Hiking In Neon Crotchless Fishnet Bodystockings Should be Mandatory Therapy for the Fearful Among us - a Pictorial
August 18th, 2008by Zoe Brock
MARIN COUNTY, CA-
I’m going to Burning Man this year.
Ten days in the dust and the wind and the heat and the cold and the chaos. Ten days of thumping base and lunacy and love. Ten days of…. I have no idea what.
Many conflicting words and feelings spring to mind- solitude, isolation, adventure, companionship, evolution, degeneration, transcendence, freedom, inhibition, self-consciousness, self-expression… the list goes on.
I’m a Burning man virgin and (due to a recent compulsion to drive myself completely mad) over the last few weeks my excitement levels have waxed, waned, teetered, tottered, disappeared entirely into a pit of anxious fear and then returned, tentatively, dressed up as clowns and hookers.
Perhaps I need to explain…
Several years ago I had a depression that almost beat me. It’s a long and arduous tale and something I try to make light of as much as possible even if the residue is sometimes sticky and dark. The illness changed me. When the hopelessness receded I was a nicer, more empathetic and gentle person, but I was also more timid, I had become frightened of putting myself in situations that I would once have embraced without caution. Now I sometimes have The Fear. Adventures that I would never have thought twice about have become things I have to consider. Plans have to be made, things have to be clear and understood and there is little room for spontaneity in case I am ill-equipped to cope.
Or so I imagine.
So I let myself believe.
At some point in the last few months my Burning Man adventure turned dark. The Fear crept into me and the over-thinking began. I rationalized my over-thinking as ‘being responsible’ and, as a consequence, thought longer and harder about the myriad possibilities for disaster and became more and more tormented. Should I go? Could I go? Where will I camp? What about this? What about that? But, but, but……..
A few days ago I decided to put a stop to it.
Enough already.
A wise woman I know gave me the gift of a beautiful and clear metaphor “…If you were planning a trip to, say… Thailand… would you spend the whole time worrying about getting home safe? Or would you just go and enjoy the adventure?”
The answer was easy and it applies to everything in my life. My love, my work, my creativity, my soul.
In the last year, despite my worried efforts, locks and bolts (or perhaps because of them) The Fear has crept with insidious stealth through the bedroom window of my heart and left a big steamy poo on the fluffy white flokati rug of my soul.
It’s time to clean it up.
How do you clean up a metaphorical dump on an imaginary carpet?
Why that’s simple, boys and girls, you just… relax.
And so I went to Shmoo’s house.
And together we went hiking up Mount Tam in Marin County… in our Burning Man outfits.
What follows is a pictorial of our adventures. I hope you enjoy.
THE DAY SHMOO AND LADY BANDIT CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN AND LET IT ALL HANG OUT. A NINE STEP PROGRAM WITH GUARANTEED RESULTS-
STEP ONE. Find the perfect hiking outfit. Take your time. Be adventurous.
STEP TWO. Get in the car and put on some thumping beats.
STEP THREE. Get thee to a place with really big trees….
… and beautiful trails.
STEP FOUR. Look at the magic that surrounds you.
Soak it up.
STEP FIVE. After an hour of happy meandering reach the bottom of the trail. Think “that was easy!” and sit down for a minute….
… then start to climb back up.
STEP SIX. Stop a lot to catch your breath. Feel free to use the excuse ‘I’m just looking at the view’, it is, after all, a really nice view. It’s hard to see views if you’re always climbing up and puffing a lot.
STEP SEVEN. Admire yourself along the way. You’re doing good!
(Even if you are feeling like an old lady with lungs the size of pine nuts).
STEP EIGHT. Get to the top. Realize that for all your huffing and puffing and sweating and wondering if you were going to make it…. that you actually did. Celebrate it.
STEP NINE. Keep on walking. One foot in front of the other. Alone or together. On different paths or shared tracks. In bare legs or crotchless fishnet stockings…. just keep on walking.
It’s good for you.
But always remember this cautionary word from your sponsor.
When trees attack…
… just hug them.
THE END. x
Zoë Brock is six-feet of fairy with the self-confidence of a warty toad. Zoë writes for this site in between posing for money and arguing with people. She has just learned how to make coconut ice-cream with chocolate chunks and doesn’t want to share any. She also wants to know ‘when was the last time you dressed up in something completely silly and went out in public?’ Please feel free to go berserk in the comment section below. Everyone else does…
Tags: burning man, hiking, mount tam, shmoo, trail, trees, zoe brock
I’m a burning man virgin too. Except for that one time I peed glass.
that’ll teach you to dip your wick in dirty jam jars.
They said it was grape.
I prefer vegemite.
You’re fired
Marmite all the way. Next blogger please…
By the way, I’m #1! I’m #1! I’m #1!
I really like a touch of pink in nature. Too much and it would have looked like the 6-year-old princess section in a wood elf toy store.
thank fuck we didn’t have snipers after us….
Just old men with fishnet-radar binoculars.
and bees. we got chased by a big bee.
This post is genius.
You do realize, Zoe, that you are going to have a life-altering experience out in the desert.
And you do realize that there are internet cafes in Black Rock City.
We demand live reports on TNB.
With photos.
SHUT UP!????? Internet cafes????
My first inclination was utter excitement.
Then I got mad. I’m supposed to be off line for ten days.
Then I got excited again.
Now I just hate you.
sigh
oh. and THANKS! I’ll take genius and run with it. fer sure. x
I think you should bring a laptop—but only for the purposes of reporting for TNB. Giving the rest of us poor schmucks a window onto your epic desert experience is only fair. It’ll be a grand entertainment, a dose of sweet relief to the office-bound, and it’s a really cool way to keep a diary of your times in Black Rock in close to real time. Something you can always look back on going forward.
Worth doing.
Totally noble.
Word to the wise: Check out BurningMan.com and see how it works. You might need an air card for your laptop to pick up a cell signal. Air cards cost, like, $50–and then you have to sign up for a monthly plan, which is like $60 per month. It allows you to be online wherever you get a cell signal. If you only want to use the air card for Burning Man, just return it when you get back. Full refund.
And who knows how it works out there? Not sure if it’s an air card or if some tech guru from Silicon Valley has another method of providing service. Either way, you gotta do it. Pretty please.
ooooooo. you are a task master.
if there are other computers there I promise to try and post from one, but there is no way in hell I am taking my precious lappy out to that dust bowl.
you must be insane!
unless you want to buy me another Apple upon my return…. then we can totally negotiate.
I shall indeed try to write from there.
you have my word. x
Fair enough. That works.
And you’re right—Black Rock City is no place for a computer. The dust out there is spectacular. Bring Wet Ones. And chapstick. And plenty of lube.
lube.
don’t come in here and say “lube” and then leave without explaining yourself. or does it not need explaining???
Embracing the bubble gum pink heart of darkness.
Crotchless no less.
Aiighttt.
chew THAT! but don’t try and blow bubbles….
Erm… bubbles? That don’t sound like no fun.
Masticated macerated and swallowed!
cud.
I find these picturs to be merely suggestive, and the promise of “slutty” pictures has breached the trades description act.
NO SOUP!! NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!
If you check my myspazz friends list, LaLindaLoca is a Burning Man veteran, and can probably answer any questions that you may have.
Myspace? what is Myspace???
girl.
For the love of God, Zoe, HARDEN THE FUCK UP!!!
Great Post Zoe!
Leave the depression and devastating trepidation to those of us who’s lives are not as much fun as yours! We need your recounts in order to live more fully (though enjoyed vicariously, your adventures help many of us escape our daily drudgery). Burning Man sounds like the a great escape and if your posts were a “chose your own adventure” book, i would pick, a) Throw caution to the wind and head to Black Rock City, without a second thought.
I don’t mean to discount or trivalize the responsibilties that you undoubtedly have, but this IS what you do, and you are great at it…don’t overthink it.
All my best,
kino
Is this the same Kino musician from NY? I did a little story on his music once for ABC23.
Thank you gorgeous. lovely to hear from you and sorry to hear you have drudgery any where near you. xoxoxoxoxoxxo
if you can find the people selling pee funnels, give them big hugs and trade something for one. you’ll love it.
I used to know a guy who WAS a pee funnel at Mardi Gras.
thanks for the advice. lend me your gloves?
I had never even heard of burning man until I read Attention. Deficit. Disorder.
Now it sounds like the most fun any person can have. Have you read Brad’s book? (You must have done, right?) Will you compare the fiction to the reality for us?
And the last time I went out in public in a silly costume was dressed as a faery, complete with homemade wings and garland. And a miniskirt.
yes I have read The Book of Brad.
it’s a good ‘un, hey?
BM is something I’ve been dreaming of for nearly a decade it seems…… crazy considering how many friends go every year and how I always get foiled. NOT THIS TIME!!!!! mwahahahah
I will compare for you. promise. x
This post made me happy. Really, really happy. Now I want to try my hand at being a carefree nature fairy.
HA! happy fairies are contagious little buggers….
Sometimes it takes some of us a little time to wrap our heads around a new concept and to be ok with it….
and that’s pretty cool i reckon.
Like stepping off into a new adventure that no fucker can give you a straight answer about…like Burning man.
No need to see the whole stair case just take the first step with faith…. in crotchless pink fishnet stockings.
I can’t wait to see you babe!!!!! TWO MORE SLEEPS!
I wish I could to go to Burning Man.
Well, I could. But there’s this whole job thing. (So stupid!)
Anyway, may you have safe travels and enjoy yourself. I look forward to reading your updates — either live from the event or when you get back (if you feel so inclined).
Cheers!
thank you (new reader?)!!
I will update… and if you decide to run away I’ll be the tall girl with her boobs out and a dildo strapped to my head handing out toy koalas.
heh.
Zoe,
Fabulous post. I think you’ve stumbled upon a whole new form of “nature” therapy. With really good outfits.
thanks beautiful girl. xx
Fear is such an awful beast. Way to conquer that mother! Keep rollin’.
On a certain birthday, I drank tequila and ran naked through my neighborhood at midnight. Talk about naked fear….
thank you!!! you can come and drink at my house any time!
burning man’s not that big a deal. if you go into it pensive, feeling out of sorts and looking at people as a sideshow, you’ll probably feel like an outsider. if you go into it just expecting to experience something new and knowing that they’re just people, out to have a good time, like you, then you’ll enjoy it a lot more. take a few tabs, eat some shrooms and chill the fuck out. it’ll be fun. promise.
woops. meant to type APPREHENSIVE, not pensive. shouldn’t be watching the giants obliterate the browns while typing/reading.
tomato tomato.
ooooh i love it all of it. all of it. if i were not in maine right now i might still be thinking of ways to go but i like plumbing and modern convenience, like two ply toilet paper. please do as brad has instructed and give a streaming report,and it will be like i did go.
no way. I’m going to have some damn fun!!!!!!! love to you sugar.
Zoe,
Your nine step plan is now being transcribed and printed out for future use should (when) my over-thinking and fear get the best of me. Tee-rific. Thank you for writing it! Have a wonderful time. Enjoy, enjoy.
use it!!!! and thank you bella. have an amazing day.
Way to embrace the fear and then strangle the fuck out of it! Brava!
thanks hun…… from one fearless (sometimes) film-maker to another… WOOHOOOOOOO!!!
Ah, one thinks he/she is getting slightly slutty pics by big trees when the subtle subtexts are of the Taoist nature.
Daft as Rick Springfield dearest.
Burning, mon.
morning mon. pass the doobie to the lef’ han’ side.
I am trying to be more Taoist. I read The Tao of Pooh and everything!
I don’t know if I’ll ever make it out to Burning Man (almost went 10 years ago) but wherever you went on your “test run” looks GREAT!
That said, I think I’m moving back to Austin, not the bay area or the Pacific Northwest.
if you are happy about it….. then WOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!! that’s awesome!
if not….. come up here where the human climes are warmer even if the weather is a bitch ass hooker with vinegar tits.
I’m thinking that if I do bolt back to Austin, I will have to make a trip up that way before doing so. I really love that area and have some friends up there that I haven’t seen in a while…or have never met.
you have friends you’ve never met??? how moderne!
I’m approaching becoming physically sick with jealousy. You’re going to have a great time, try and remember/communicate some for those of us less fortunate. Send help, and cookies.
xS
Everytime I click on a Zoe post I keep hoping it will be the one where she shows her poontang…
Am I the only one?
Tease.
errrr.
three posts from now I’ll flash my taint, how’s that?
I thought I had seen it all. Clearly I was wrong.
I can only imagine what some trail Johnny might think when he turned a corner and saw you two. Hahaha.
Hi Z!
I thought you’d done it all! clearly I was wrong.
Hi BB!!
never been to burning man, but i always wanted to go. life is a fantastic journey, and i’ve had a wild ride so far. i should just go for it.
going!! x
When was the last time I did that? Um… let me see, I think it was… Yes, it was about 8 lifetimes ago - at the very first Burning Man, which was in Budapest circa 1442, I went dressed as a pirate. Interestingly enough I looked a lot like you do in those photos but my crotchless stockings were really made of fishnets and I had a parrot on my arm…
Zoe - it’ll be wonderful. Wear lots of wild outfits and take lots of pics.
You rock the Lolita shades btw. xxx
the man that burns might have met his match…
he trembles at your ’so you call yourself the man’ arrival…..
Hey Zoe
I have missed your writing…you have a unique style that I have grown addicted to…please post more often…I hate the cramping and shakes…
(I am sorry for your past depression) … but I love this post, and your writing is getting even better.
Now that know you are back in the saddle I will check more often
for what it is worth I have followed you for years and I think your style is intoxicating.
You are my favorite writer
Hey Zoe,
It’s been almost a whole month…please please please write
write Zoe