The International Tom Lifetime Arts Grant
October 22nd, 2009by Tom Hansen
SEATTLE, WA
Want time to write that masterpiece? Well now there’s a solution.
The International Tom Lifetime Arts Grant
Applicants [artists, writers, etc.] from all nations should adhere to the following guidelines;
- Chop off your leg [or inflict some other significant permanent physical harm to yourself that your government classifies as a disability] Think twice before chopping off your hand—it will probably be needed for your art.
Benefits vary from nation to nation but usually include the following; A government check each month, free medical, housing subsidies, discounts on all sorts of goodies, a disabled persons parking permit, and all the time you want to write or pursue whatever artistic discipline you choose. Think about it. No more soul-destroying job to leave you too tired for your art or too drained of creative energy. No more humiliations. No more cheap polyester uniforms or silly hats.
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Regain your dignity! Apply today!
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Caution: Citizens of Third World countries are usually not eligible. Make sure to check the policies of your particular government before you apply.
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Note: International Tom is not liable for any side effects resulting from the application process
Ahem. Just in case: NOT TO BE TAKEN LITERALLY
NOW you tell me!
I’m in the emergency room with a foot in a tupperware of ice!
I was bitten by an alligator once while stranded in a Federal Emergency zone. Does that count?
Do the mental scars from reading David’s The Penis in the Mirror count?
Hey… Fuck you!
Wait, do the mental scars from being teabagged in the shoulder count?
Oh wait, I forgot… Korea kills their handicapped… Dammit.
Careful with that axe, Eugene…
I had a huge panic attack after I posted this, thinking someone would actually try it. You never know. But seriously, in essence this is what I did. After my 20 yr heroin addiction, I was quite damaged and set up with a disability check and benefits that allowed me to go to school and learn to write. Without it, and without the focus that was forced on me by my physical limitations, I would not have acquired the knowledge and discipline to write American Junkie or the novel I’m working on.
Tom,
that is the legitimate use of the law.
You should not feel at all guilty.
Matt, Simon-I’m not sure if those qualify. Do they give you more time to write?
I can do that disappearing thumb trick. As I watch myself type this I realize that I don’t really use my thumbs anyway. Although not having any would prevent me from being a musician, and that’s something I’m not ready to do. Perhaps if I part with an ass cheek it’ll all fall into place. Too many worthy causes, too few body parts.
Ah, finally, a use for my tail. I keep meaning to do something with it.
i don’t think i could qualify for this grant. for me, limb loss is a no-go. instead i’ll have to become mentally ill. they give out government money for that, too.
I think I may already qualify for the mentally-ill grant. As for the loss-of-limb thing, I very nearly had that one cornered too. Damn. I never considered the advantages when I was pleading with the paramedics to make sure my leg got saved.