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Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

Sarah Maizes

My Child Has Autism and it’s Awesome!

December 2nd, 2009
by Sarah Maizes

LOS ANGELES, CA-  As the mother of a child with autism…

I don’t have anything else to add to that, but I got your attention didn’t I?  Don’t feel like a sucker.  You’re not the only one.

It has come to my attention that whenever I say “As the mother of a child with autism…” people instantly pay attention.  They presume I’m wise and sagely, and they’ll take virtually anything I say as gospel.  It’s quite fabulous really.

The statement could be followed with something as simple as “…I like kids chewable vitamins” and people will take this into serious consideration.  “Hmmm…maybe chewables ARE better for kids than gummies.  I mean, she would know, her child has autism.”

I didn’t ask for this.  I didn’t plan on having a child with autism.  I didn’t want to have a child with autism, but lo and behold, I do.  And it sucks.  But when you have a child with special needs and you’ve put in the hours and years of dedication to the process of helping that child as I have, shouldn’t I enjoy a few of the perks?

Well, people thinking I am really smart is one of them.

When I say “As the mother of a child with autism, I buy mostly organic fruit.”  It is met with a collective “Oooooooooooo.”

When I say “As the mother of a child with autism, I have my kids ride their bikes at least twice a week.”  I hear a united “Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.”

Believe me, I don’t actually think I’m saying anything interesting or even noteworthy.  I’m usually not.  And God knows, whatever I’m yapping about is almost always unsubstantiated.  I’m a busy woman.  Sure my kid has autism, but that doesn’t mean I know any more than the average bear.

But people can’t help but think I have something valuable to say.  It appears to be a natural gut reaction to think “Oh, she’s the mother of a child with autism.  She must know a lot about child development.”  Or, “Wow, her kid has autism.  That sucks.  Even if I don’t agree with her, I feel sorry for her and I’m going to give her whatever she wants.”

I’d love to say I’m above it, but I’m not.

It’s wonderful.  If I’m at school and I want my daughter to have a better seat in class, I just say “As the mother of an autistic child, I think mine should sit in front.”  If I’m out with friends at a movie I can say with great authority, “As the mother of an autistic child, I think the characters were extremely well-drawn.”  Or, let’s say we’re driving to the valley and I just don’t want to be stuck on side streets.  I’ll say “As the mother of an autistic child, I think we should take the highway.”

I suppose I shouldn’t expose myself to the world and tell people I’ve figured this out, and I certainly shouldn’t use my own family’s misfortune to take advantage of others when I can get away with it.

But I did, and I do.  And now, I’m headed out to dinner with some friends.  I’d like to have a couple of cocktails, so I’m thinking I’ll casually ask “who wants to be the designated driver?”  We’ll all look at each other and then I’ll point to one of them and say “As the mother of an autistic child, I really think you should be the one driving.”

And it will work.

At long last, I’ve found my silver lining.


Adam Cushman

Film Review: Funny Guy

October 27th, 2009
by Adam Cushman

LOS ANGELES-

A light bulb dangles in a Northridge, California motel room. Streetlights glow through cracks in the blinds. Trembling hands dump a bottle of Bacardi 151 on the head of a shirtless Philip Seymour Hoffman. Said hands strike a match. Enter the flames. The screams.

A revolutionary comedian’s head has just caught fire.

(more…)


James D. Irwin

Brian Posehn Was Too Late To Help

May 22nd, 2009
by James D. Irwin

SOUTH COAST, ENGLAND-

This is my tenth post on TNB, which I’m treating as some sort of milestone. And as with all milestones, I’m going to take this moment to look back and reflect on what a crazy journey it’s been… (Imagine some sort of bubble effect or that wibbly-wobbly screen wipe with harp music at this point.)

As far back as I can remember I’ve always wanted to be a gangster writer. Or kind of. I’ve always wanted to be a writer when I haven’t had crazy schemes of what I was going to be.

A memory that haunts and embarrasses me to this day is standing up in class at the age of about five, wearing glasses and no doubt a zany waistcoat. I was a nerd as a kid, I dressed like a fucking magician. I was standing in front of a class with a list of books I was going to write (most of them about dinosaurs) and how much they would retail for.

(more…)


Slade Ham

Inside the Wire (Part 2)

October 16th, 2008
by Slade Ham

BAGHDAD, IRAQ -

I’ve tried. Several times actually. I’ve tried to figure out a way to put the last week or so into words, and every time I do I end up deleting it. I’m not deleting this attempt I’ve decided. When I started this trip, my only concept of the war in Iraq and our soldiers fighting over there was the fuzzy image I had in my head created by television reports and conversations with a handful of friends that have served. I, like most people, was pretty ignorant of the actual realities of our involvement in the Middle East.

It’s such a pushbutton issue. “Iraq“. In the States, when you say that word, it immediately draws one of a handful of responses. “We never should have invaded Iraq“, or “bring our troops home“, or “I’m not for the war, but I support the troops.” Regular people on the street debating whether or not “the surge” worked, normally using regurgitated sound bites from Sean Hannity or Keith Olberman to defend their side. Even for me, and this was my eighth trip overseas, it was a total departure from what I expected. (more…)


Slade Ham

Inside the Wire (Part. 1)

October 14th, 2008
by Slade Ham

BAGHDAD, IRAQ -

Rarely do I know so little beforehand about what to expect from a trip.  I’ve left the States enough times now that I don’t even think about it the night before.  I know what to expect… a different country, different cultures, different languages… but at the end of the day I still get to deal predominantly with Americans and outside of the scenery, my regular life doesn’t change all that much.

Not this time.

To begin with, we have flown into the middle of history, happening right now.  (more…)


N.L. Belardes

Michael Phelps Swim Cap Stolen? (And Other True Olympic News Oddities)

August 19th, 2008
by N.L. Belardes

Maybe Michael Phelps swim cap was stolen. You’ll have to read on to find out in these Olympic comedy re-posts from Twitter.com. Most of them are dumb, but it’s just random fun I send out via my cell phone to the world…

These are all true I swear:

Chinese weightlifter banned after caught rolling in butter and cinnamon and offering self as delicacy to hungry Armenian bicyclist.

Phelp’s swim cap stolen? Phelps last seen wearing swim cap to bed. Beijing Police: “Luckily we invested $8 million in cap-sniffing dogs.” (more…)


Rob Bloom

Statler and Waldorf Get Evicted From Their Retirement Home

August 12th, 2008
by Rob Bloom

PHILADELPHIA, PA-

August 12, 2008

Mr. Statler and Mr. Waldorf

Shady Sunrise Retirement Home & Gardens
Room 22
Terrace Pass Road
Naples, Florida 34102

Dear Mr. Statler and Mr. Waldorf:

This letter is to serve notice of your eviction as residents of Shady Sunrise Retirement Home & Gardens.

In the past 18 months, you are guilty of:

i. Having a variety of items delivered to the manager’s office, then hiding behind the ficus in the lobby (and laughing) as the manager explained to the delivery person that he did not order a pizza, call for a taxi, or request a male Strip-A-Gram.

(more…)