BIRMINGHAM, AL -

First, let me make one thing clear. I don’t purport to know at what time THE END will come, or in what manner — for either myself or the human race. For your sake, let’s hope they come in this order …

Okay, so I used to make all sorts of resolutions about doing some things less, other things more, and generally becoming a better person. Sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I failed, but most times I had no idea because I forgot my resolutions within mere weeks, if not days, after the hangover fog of New Year’s Day had lifted.

Well, starting in 2008 I decided to simplify the process. From now on, I will have one resolution every year — the same one — and I’m sure to remember it:

DO NOT DIE.

In other words, I am resolved to continue living.

You dig?

Good. Cause if you didn’t, I’d have to wish an untimely death for you. Few deaths are timely, granted, but let’s not get bogged down in semantics.

Now, just because I’m streamlining the resolution process, that’s not to say I won’t make some goals every year. Not resolutions, but goals. Big difference. Largely semantic, but nevertheless.

See, resolutions are annoying and overrated. Kind of like …

Yes! Exactly like that, in fact. (I don’t fucking like the show, okay?! You wanna fight?)

But goals on the other hand — goals are like the local TV news. There’s no pressure whatsoever to watch, and you know you’re not missing anything if you don’t.

Great metaphor for the local TV news, this picture, doncha think! Ha ha!

Anyway, instead of writing down my goals on a sticky note, which could easily become unaccounted for, I’m going document them here on TNB, for all to behold and the Hong Kong superservers to retain for future reference.

1) Parlay something. Anything. Into something else. Anything. But preferably better than the first thing (which I believe is construed by the very definition of parlay). This, on account of having accomplished things in 2007, namely completing two books, but NOT having parlayed those accomplishments into much of anything.

2) Curse less often. This, on account of having a toddler around.

3) Write more. Specifically stuff I want to write, not what other people want or expect or pay me to write. That includes stuff for TNB. I don’t have any illusions of crowding the ubiquitous Dawn Corrigan off the front page anytime soon (nor do I think many TNB readers would want me to), I just want to do a little better. Unfortunately, this may have detrimental side effects for you, the TNB reader. For example, first thing I’m going to do is dump all my old, unfinished drafts in here. Virtually unedited. Why? Because this will make me feel better. ME! You understand? This goal is all about me, so just deal with it.

Or else make a resolution not to read my posts ever again. See what I care you Larry David-loving motherf#@!er.

STEVE DUPONT is the author of Therein Lies the Probem , a novel, and Alabama Sports, a work of non-fiction due to be published very soon. His official Internet headquarters is at SteveDupont.com.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008 at 11:07 am and is filed under Death, Holidays, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.