An Extraordinary Thing Just Happened, Which I Feel Compelled to Describe for You
July 29th, 2007by Steve Dupont
BIRMINGHAM, AL -
So I go to the farmer’s market this morning and get a big ‘ole basket of Chilton County, Alabama peaches. If you can find a sweeter, juicier more pleasurable peach to eat, well, congratulations.
That’s one peach of a peach you’ve got there.
So just now I decide to eat a peach. I choose the biggest, ripest one – so soft and ripe it’s just on the verge of beginning to turn rotten. The skin is burgeoning under the pressure from all the juice inside.
Eagerly I wash the peach and slice it all the way around. This is what they call a “free stone” peach, which means you can easily twist the peach in half and remove the stone, or pit, which is about the size of a walnut.
Like a suave Latin lover I sniff the peach flesh. (Ladies, this one’s for you!)
(It kinda looks like Eric Bana, but it’s Ricky Martin! Eeeeeee!)
Anyway, the peach: she smells peachy and delicious.
So I take one half of the fruit and like a starved baboon I chomp down on it. An ambitions bite, even by baboon standards.
And what happens next is the extraordinary part. The violent force exerted by my mandibles causes a jet of juice to explode from the peach.
This juice hits my tonsils and the esophageal regions beyond with terrifying force and causes me to begin choking.
I struggle to cough as my throat closes up like a homophobic sphincter. Next the wheezing begins. I literally become Wheezy.
Okay, not literally. But whatever …
I wheeze and cough for about 30 seconds, although it seems like 10 minutes, drink some water and finally recompose myself.
Only now, however, more than 10 minutes later, have I finally suppressed the inclination to cough. This data is very important, I’m just not quite sure why.
Yet.
Needless to say, Scurvy is involved.
STEVE DUPONT is the author of Therein Lies the Probem , a novel. His official Internet headquarters is at SteveDupont.com.
Steve - I like when someone can parse out the ordinary, unpack it and make it interesting which is what you’ve done for the most part here. (not too sure about the homo sphinx thing)
It’s a trick I’m still working on and it’s nice to see a bit of a different side of your writing. Well done.
Yes, I’ve had ‘bama peaches.
Keep collecting data, Steve. Clearly you’re on to something.
Have you ever eaten one of those flat peaches? They seem awfully suspicious. Maybe you ought to collect some data about them next.
Esophogeal regions was my favorite part. And I have to say I am a big fan of the shorter post. more please
You have made me want to eat a peach, even if it means choking on the juice.
‘Homophobic sphincter’ maybe be the most amusing combination of words I’ve heard in awhile.
I loved it.
Steve, you make fruit consumption into a bizarre and dangerous sport. Well played.
If you’re truly “doubly entertaining when drunk” I’m looking forward to getting a taste of that, and to seeing what you can really do with a mango.
Here’s to avoiding “grisly highway death” AND death by peach.
Keep up the fight against scurvy fella.
i loved the homo sphinct part as well
funny. peaches.
a free stone.
wheezy…ha!
thanks, steve