Redheads and Steroids: D-List Chingasos in the Land of Amish Ovens and Jack LambertJanuary 22nd, 2009
by Reno J. Romero
LAS VEGAS, NV -
Boxing is a manly sport.
It’s not the meek tea party scene of golf.
Theogenes – a Greek badass - won over 1300 fights and never lost a battle in over twenty years. He pummeled his competition. He smashed in their heads. He broke their will. He made them his bitch. He didn’t give a shit otherwise.
For hundreds of years men have been beating each other up. Doesn’t take much to make it happen. Get a couple of dudes. Strap them up with gloves and anger and see what happens.
We’ve seen some real mean bastards over the years. Max Baer. Joe Louis. George Foreman. Ali. Julio Cesar Chavez. “Iron” Mike Tyson.
How about Roberto Duran? Sure, he will be remembered as the man who said “no mas” in his second fight with Sugar Ray Leonard. But who remembers their first fight? The one where he beat Leonard to a pulp and won in a unanimous decision?
It was a thorough ass-whopping.
Duran had guts. Fought in five decades. Went into the ring over a hundred times and retired at age fifty. The man was/is one tough mofo. A pugilist of the first kind.
But today, boxing is not what it used to be. It’s still popular but the crowds have left for MMA fighting.
Men throwing punches and snapping kicks. Blood and broken noses. Rear naked chokes. Dudes passing out cold.
People eat it up.
It’s big time.
Names like Chuck Liddell, Anderson Silva, and Dan Henderson (I used to wrestle with Dan on his father’s wrestling team back in the day) have taken the stage.
But this weekend there’s no title bouts coming from the boxing arena. No big-draw MMA battles going down.
But what you can get is the Danny Bonaduce/Jose Canseco fight at the Ice Works Skating Complex in Aston, PA. Oh, yes. Celebrity boxing. D-List celebrity boxing.
Danny Bonaduce: Bitter child star. Small dude. Crazy redhead with scars all over his mug. Loves pills, lifting weights and generally being a dick wherever he goes. Bonaduce is no stranger to the celebrity boxing ring.
He beat up Greg Brady (Barry Williams) in two rounds. He took out Bob Levy as well.
Jose Canseco: Ex professional baseball player who wrote a tell-all book about steroids in baseball. He named names. He threw people under the proverbial bus and thousands of people now hate him. Maybe even millions.
The roids sucked up his cock and balls and turned his body into tapioca. A few months back he got busted at the Tijuana/San Diego border for bringing back some illegal hormone dope he needs to get his damaged testosterone levels back to normal.
(Kids, don’t do roids.)
He towers over Bonaduce (5′6″) at 6′5″ and said he’s going to knock him out.
Dem ders fighting words.
Tickets will be sold at the door.
If you can’t fly into Pennsylvania then you can order the fight on PPV for $12.99.
$9.99 if you order early.
Good cheap entertainment.
Sure, it’s not the Thrilla in Manila, the Rumble in the Jungle.
But it’s a fight nonetheless.
The ghost of Theogenes takes the ring once again.