Redheads and Steroids: D-List Chingasos in the Land of Amish Ovens and Jack Lambert
January 22nd, 2009by Reno J. Romero
LAS VEGAS, NV -
Boxing is a manly sport.
It’s not the meek tea party scene of golf.
Theogenes – a Greek badass - won over 1300 fights and never lost a battle in over twenty years. He pummeled his competition. He smashed in their heads. He broke their will. He made them his bitch. He didn’t give a shit otherwise.
For hundreds of years men have been beating each other up. Doesn’t take much to make it happen. Get a couple of dudes. Strap them up with gloves and anger and see what happens.
We’ve seen some real mean bastards over the years. Max Baer. Joe Louis. George Foreman. Ali. Julio Cesar Chavez. “Iron” Mike Tyson.
How about Roberto Duran? Sure, he will be remembered as the man who said “no mas” in his second fight with Sugar Ray Leonard. But who remembers their first fight? The one where he beat Leonard to a pulp and won in a unanimous decision?
It was a thorough ass-whopping.
Duran had guts. Fought in five decades. Went into the ring over a hundred times and retired at age fifty. The man was/is one tough mofo. A pugilist of the first kind.
But today, boxing is not what it used to be. It’s still popular but the crowds have left for MMA fighting.
Cage fighting.
The octagon.
Men throwing punches and snapping kicks. Blood and broken noses. Rear naked chokes. Dudes passing out cold.
People eat it up.
It’s big time.
Names like Chuck Liddell, Anderson Silva, and Dan Henderson (I used to wrestle with Dan on his father’s wrestling team back in the day) have taken the stage.
But this weekend there’s no title bouts coming from the boxing arena. No big-draw MMA battles going down.
But what you can get is the Danny Bonaduce/Jose Canseco fight at the Ice Works Skating Complex in Aston, PA. Oh, yes. Celebrity boxing. D-List celebrity boxing.
Danny Bonaduce: Bitter child star. Small dude. Crazy redhead with scars all over his mug. Loves pills, lifting weights and generally being a dick wherever he goes. Bonaduce is no stranger to the celebrity boxing ring.
He beat up Greg Brady (Barry Williams) in two rounds. He took out Bob Levy as well.
Jose Canseco: Ex professional baseball player who wrote a tell-all book about steroids in baseball. He named names. He threw people under the proverbial bus and thousands of people now hate him. Maybe even millions.
The roids sucked up his cock and balls and turned his body into tapioca. A few months back he got busted at the Tijuana/San Diego border for bringing back some illegal hormone dope he needs to get his damaged testosterone levels back to normal.
(Kids, don’t do roids.)
He towers over Bonaduce (5′6″) at 6′5″ and said he’s going to knock him out.
Dem ders fighting words.
Tickets will be sold at the door.
If you can’t fly into Pennsylvania then you can order the fight on PPV for $12.99.
$9.99 if you order early.
Good cheap entertainment.
Sure, it’s not the Thrilla in Manila, the Rumble in the Jungle.
But it’s a fight nonetheless.
The ghost of Theogenes takes the ring once again.
Tags: Chuck Liddell, Dan Henderson, Danny Bonaduce, Dope, Hormones, Jose Canseco, Mix Martial Arts, Redheads, Reno J. Romero, Roberto Duran, Steroids, The Nervous Breakdown, Theogenes, Tijuana, UFC
Reno,
Please God tell me that that is a doctored photograph.
It is burned into my retinas, stuck in my head now until the end of time.
Come on.
I’m waiting.
Tell me it is NOT a real picture of a human being.
I’m still waiting.
Yup. Still here waiting.
okay, it’s a fake pic. but it’s been touched up a tad.
what - victor doesn’t have guns like this?
my money’s on Bonaduce.
he may not have any skills but that man is passionate and perpetually pissed off.
bet on him in a fight, any day.
that pic is sic.
(best sports blog to date, amigo)
bonaduce is a dick. well, actually he could be entertaining. anyhow, he’s a vicious redhead w/ issues. kinda like lucy. have a great weekend.
Danny Bonaduce is the equivilent of Mark Maguire in his weeny, shriveled up, post-steroid state, so maybe it’s an even match-up. That fight is a good gimmick though. Who wouldn’t tune in to see someone beat the crap out of that over-cooked wingless partridge. He sucks. I hate him.
danny does suck and don’t blame you for hating him.
no, i will not be watching the fight. see, i went to the library and found some literature lectures (DVDs) on conrad, proust, faulkner, and in the very dee-licious gabrial garcia marquez.
saturday night lectures (the prof is from brown–hey…).
no whiskey.
no women.
just lit.
ahh.
thanks for reading, beat.
interesting name.
That’s a doctored pic of Markus Rheul but it need not be - google him and you’ll find the real thing crazy enough.
Reno - you wrestled too? Dude. I gotta get my wrestling story up.
You’re one of the few guys who can write about sports and hold my interest.
If the fights a shoot it might be decent. Those usually go to lucky blows though.
Canseco’s much bigger and stronger than Bonaduce but Jose’s lazy.
Bonaduce’s legit tough and legit crazy. So we’ll see.
Thank you, James Michael Blaine. Maybe I can release it from my memory now. (Not looking at the real picture. nuh uh.)
wait! i took you for the body-building type! no? i figured if you were given the choice between lance armstrong or the incredible hulk you’d go green in a heartbeat!
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
yes, i used to wrestle. even took second in a CA regional tourney and went up to oregon and got my ass handed to me. ahh, those were the days. fireman’s carry. shoot for a single leg!
Heel Hook Heel Hook!
Man, those boys in the corn fed states - you couldn ‘t hurt em.
I saw an old movie reel of Max Baer kicking the hell out of some fighter back in the 30’s. The guy was one of the meanest fighters ever. He went on to have a son, Jethro, who lived in a house in Beverly with a C-Ment pond. Yes, Max Baer Jr.
That picture is hilarious. Wish we could all look like that.
Have a great Super Bowl week, Reno!
max baer was an ass-kicking maniac. yes, i’ve seen him in action. i loved boxing as a kid. still watch it when i get the chance.
(probably one of them macho mexican things, i assume.)
i saw de la hoya get his ass beat down against manny pacquiao a few weeks back. vegas was giving oscar the nod and i thought bullshit, manny’s gonna destroy his pretty ass. sure enough when the smoke cleared manny looked like he was ready for church and oscar looked like he was reay to be grinded up for burgers. or meatballs.
check out manny. tough motherfucker. i wouldn’t want any of that…
So…which one are you thinking is more like Theogenes: Bonaduce or Canseco?
You see, while football ain’t my shtick, I used to compete in kickboxing and grappling. So, yeah…I guess I’m sort of a retired wrestler and boxer now…kids and all. (Ha!) Love that stuff, though - although I didn’t really appreciate it all until my late 20s. Bonaduce and Canseco, huh? That would be a fight worth watching. Hunh. Can’t believe I just said that.
hmm. in theory i say bonaduce. only because i think he’s a bit crazy and theogenes had to be a little touched, too. but theogenes was a man not like these two-bit jerk offs. he’d smack them around and then throw them to the lions.
have a great weekend, sis. next week: the super bowl.
who do you have?
“No big-draw MMA battles going down.”
Wrong. The number one heavyweight in the history of MMA is fighting a former UFC champion this weekend on a card filled with former champions and big names. That’s Saturday. On Sunday, the WEC has a live card which will air on versus featuring a lightweight title fight and a rematch of the highest rated TV fight in WEC history between Urijah Faber and Jens Pulver.
Both events will outdraw that ridiculous sideshow. Last time Canseco “fought” he was KO’d by an ex-football player in under two minutes. The event drew 1200 people. Yawn.
mma writer-
sorry, mma writer. maybe that’s why you’re a mma writer and i’m not. i guess i was looking at next weekend’s fight. but hey more fights, the better.
i heard about canseco getting his ass beat by the pro football player. in fact i heard canseco tell the story on the howard stern show.
anyhow, have fun watching the fights. i’ll be watching a literature lecture on “one hundred years of solitude.”
great book. you should read it. there’s no MMA fights in the book but there’s a guy who fucks his aunt. sweet.
boxing isn’t THAT manly. all the dudes who box professionally do it because of severe insecurities and need for validation for their penises. by definition, these are men who are concerned that they are not manly enough.
and totally, mom, that picture is yucko.
okay, zion, you have a point. perhaps, it isn’t manly. but what is? a dude that plays checkers? guitar (longhair sensitive ponytail guy)? the dude that buys his girlfriend’s tampons?
good to see you goofing around again, toots. we’ve missed you. now, quit fucking around and entertain us.
right?
your pal,
the manly reno
PS-i stopped validated my penis when it stopped talking to me. we were once partners in crime. go figure.
Ever seen real Indian strap wrestling? I grew up watching it in the backwoods of the Indian Territory as a child. I once saw Wahoo McDaniel strap wrestle in a backwood match, they had to mop blood off the canvas afterwards!
I’m fully prepared to lose a fiver on the redhead with attitude.
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