Janus’ Curse: Cigarettes and Doubt in the New Year’s Resolution
December 28th, 2008by Reno J. Romero
LAS VEGAS, NV-
2009.
It’s around this time of the year that we reflect on the year that was. We look back at the months, the days - mind pushed in reverse, remembering things, conversations, people.
We do this. Every year like clockwork. Looking over our shoulder then looking straight. One foot inside the door, one foot out. It’s part of the deal.
Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows put his end-of-the-year-thoughts to song in “A Long December.” A beautiful tune loaded with nostalgia and hope.
A long December and there’s reason to believe/ Maybe this year will be better than the last
See. Even Adam does it. Dreads and all.
But after we realize that the year is over, that it’s the past, and there’s not a thing we can do about it we move on. We clean up our armour, put on our game face, and go into the Forum once again.
“Happy New Year,” we say.
“I hope it’s a good one,” we say.
Hope.
But the real fun starts when we start making New Year’s resolutions. In Roman mythology, Janus, is the god of gates and doors, beginnings and endings.
He’s the bastard that started all of this craziness - the one that pressures us into making these promises we announce over dinner, on the phone in traffic.
“This year, man. I’m telling you. I’m gonna do it.”
Now, I don’t want to be a downer.
(Okay, here’s the part when I say that I don’t want to be a downer and yet I become a downer. Pretty fucked up, huh?)
But hear me out.
The numbers say that most of us will not fulfill our New Year’s resolution. No. Somewhere down the line we’ll break the contract. Somewhere down the line we won’t keep our agreement. Could be three days. Three months. Doesn’t matter.
I don’t know why it happens this way, but it just does. I mean, the numbers can easily be flipped. Right? Maybe it’s not so easy. Well, obviously it’s not. Still, the answer is simple: follow through. Finish what you started. Keep your agreement.
So, why invite the stress? The guilt of failure? Why have our friends and family watching us like turkey vultures, waiting for us to break into the bottle, sneak off to Roberto’s Taco Shop for a #7 and a carne asada burrito?
“See. Fat ass. Just like his mother.”
So, all that gum-flapping was all for not. Probably would have been better off piping down. But we don’t pipe down. We can’t.
Maybe that’s why when we announce our New Year’s resolution faces screw up. Heads shake. The voice inside their head says, This asshole is lying through his big teeth. Last year it was cigarettes. This year it’s V-neck T-shirts and Valium.
It’s true. This is what happens. We shouldn’t have to lie. Right? The other day at work I overheard two women talking about Janus’ Curse. One of them told the other that she was going to stop smoking.
“Bullshit,” the other one said, laughing and blowing a hit out of the side of her mouth like a muffler. “You’ll be jonesing and bumming smokes from me. I ain’t paying for your ass to smoke. Shit.”
We’ve all heard this kind of talk before. At home. At the store. Everywhere.
But why all the skepticism? The doubt? Is it because we already know how this movie ends? What a bummer. I’m telling you. Makes you wonder why we make New Year’s resolutions in the first place.
Maybe it’s just something to say, something to do. Keep us busy. At least for a little while.
I once had a roommate that claimed she was going to write a book. So, by the end of the year she’d have it bagged and tagged. A done deal. Real simple.
She didn’t write three pages that year. All she did was get drunk, eat my food, and get boned by Billy Limp Dick. Yes, you read it right. Billy Limp Dick. That’s what she called him. She told me he’d go limp on her.
“Sorry,” I said not knowing what else to say. “He should see a doctor.”
Then I thought, How would she know, she’s always tanked on tequila?
Anyhow, from her hyena-like yelps and grunts it seemed like to me and Eric (the other roommate) that he was hard as petrified wood and hung like a donkey.
Mr. Limp Dick didn’t make it through the summer. Some other guy took his place. I forgot what she called him.
I had another friend say that he was going to give up gambling. I worked with the guy. He was a wreck, shaking and rattling on the job site. His work suffered. Two weeks into it he was back at the tables and his work picked up.
Life is weird that way.
Of course, I’ve heard my share of giving up smokes and booze, the I’m-losing-weight-going-to-the-gym announcements. These are popular resolutions. We like these.
I’ve actually had some friends kick the bottle and the cigarettes. But the I’m-losing-weight-going-to-the-gym announcement always fails. Sure, I’ve seen some pounds go away. A few sodas off the waist.
The first month is always a good month. Fuckers are pumped up! Wearing their brand-new Nikes to the grocery store, to church. Pizza suddenly smells like ass. So do sugar cookies. You pass by a table full of meat-eating animals devouring triple cheeseburgers and hot crispy fries and washing them down with cold beer and Mountain Dew.
Pooh!
You frown at them! Dogs! They disgust you! Why? Because you’ve seen the light! You know better! You’re above it all! Triple cheeseburgers are sickening! And fattening! Bring on the rowdiness of rice cakes, fuckeen tofu!
One, two, three, charge!
Then, life sets in. The fight starts bogging down. January is now over your shoulder. March is about done.
The job is killing you. The diet is killing you. Your ankles are killing you. The person sleeping next to you wants to kill you. Your friends couldn’t give a rat’s ass either way.
And now it’s on. You’re seeing the other side of the light. The sweet salty side. In a snap, a delicious blink: frothy root beer and sarsaparilla come into view. Cake and KFC. Oh, god. Mama’s damn lasagna! Those lip-smacking truffles from Trader Joe’s!
Oh, the joy! Oh, the misery!
Who was it that said, “Life is suffering.”?
Hegel? Danny Bonaduce?
I’ve seen it a thousand times.
But regardless of the ugly odds and doubt that hovers over our New Year’s resolution, this year we will again make one. Or two.
(Hey, baby, can’t win if you don’t play.)
We’ll say that this year we’ll enjoy life more, have the patience to stop and smell the roses.
Kick the fat, take a clear ride on the wagon.
Take control of our debt, learn another language like Spanish or Jive.
“Hola, Paco.”
“Cut me some slack, Jack.”
That’s what we’ll do.
Just like Janus said so.
Good luck.
Prove them (and yourself?) wrong.
Me, I don’t think I’ll be making a New Year’s resolution. I never have. But who knows. The New Year is still a few days away. Maybe I’ll stew on it a while, see what bubbles up. But who we fooling? Hell, I can always use some change, a little tweaking.
Why not?
You?
Happy New Year.
(Let’s hope it’s a good one.)
Tags: Adam Duritz, Cigarettes, Cookies, Doubt, drunk, Mountain Dew, New Year's, Nikes, Reno J. Romero, Roberto's Taco Shop, Valium
your friends couldn’t give a rat’s ass either way
oh how we wish but that isn’t true at all.
we divulge our intentions in order to attain assistance or at the very lease prevent undue temptation and on some level to request forgiveness for our future shitty attitudes because they’re the path to a good goal.
trouble is most folks don’t want you to succeed.
you go having a bunch of success and that’ll make them look bad.
you go getting all fit and sexified and your mate is gonna have to wonder if you really just went out for tacos and beers with your pals again.
in a perfect world you’d tell your goals and loved ones would break back to see you through to the end.
but this is an imperfect world where we’re damned if we tell anyone our new year’s resolutions.
happy new year, sugar(-substitute)
yes, i see.
well, jos, you have a great year. if you make a new year’s resolution good luck. flip them numbers, sister!
see you next year.
thanks for reading.
truffles,
j
Josie, that was deep. ( :
Reno,
I never made a New Year’s resolution. Seemed pointless. I guess I accept myself as I am. I try to do good things. I pretend there is a TV camera on me. Then I can be a nicer person. Besides, I go to the gym religiously and I’m still kinda chunky. So, again, what’s the point?
i dunno what the point is. like i said, it’s just one of those things we do. today i heard another resolution while in line at ace hardware. another diet/gym announcement.
unfortunately, i didn’t hear the voice inside her friend’s head. too much white noise. okay, irene, have a good week.
r
Did the God Janus put a time line on how long doors and gates would remain open? Did the Roman citizens put a time limit on the resolution in order to create a base of gambling?
My grandmother made a resolution in 1969 that if her only son made it back from Nam she’d quit drinking. In 1972 not only did my grandmother quit drinking, she did it while working as a bar maid in the evenings.
I think resolutions are meant to be made in practical terms. My grandmother began immediately cutting back on her consumption of liquid spirits in the belief that her son would return from Nam. By the time he was safely home from Nam she was able to make the final transition without much effort.
Great Post! I always enjoy your writing! Happy Holy Days!
i don’t know of any timeline. good Q.
happy to hear about your granny. people do beat the bottle. but can you beat root beer and carne asada burritos?
now, that’s REAL addiction. lord have mercy!
may all your days be holy. or wholly. or guacamole.
posoli,
r
Where were you New Years Eve 1997? I don’t recall us making any damn resolutions!
This year, I resolve to give up on the Lions. That one will last until draft day-a little over 3 months. Shit, resolutions are not for me!
Damn Eagles, snuck in at the very end with lots of help, but they won.
i don’t think we did. if we did we were slurring so it doen’t count.
no slurring on major dedications.
you know, lyons, i think you should give up on the lions. at least for a while. let the HISTORICAL achievement simmer down.
then quietly slip on your kitna jersey and hope for the next season.
they’re bound to win ONE game next year, right?
sheesh…
So that’s where new years resolutions come from. Interesting. I personally gave up new years resolutions when I was 13 after I failed to think of something worth wild to do the following year.
janus, yes sir. he’s the man. i hear you about the new year’s resolution. perhaps the whole thing should be scrapped. i don’t think it’ll be missed. but you never know. okay, colin, thanks for reading. take care.
r
#1 - Why would ANYONE want to give up carne asada burritos? i don’t think that should count as a valid New Year’s res.
#2 - I can see why you’d get Hegel and Bonaduce confused. Bonaduce was a child actor; Hegel knew the first latin declension by age 5. Bonaduce spent his late teens succumbing to peer pressure and strung out on drugs; Hegel spent his late teens with an influential pack of hooligans who watched and wrote about the French Revoution. Both had hair… Common mixup, I’ll bet.
#3 - I think it’s nice that you suggested Billy LD should go see a doctor rather than join in making fun of him. That was very considerate.
#4 - You had me at “See. Fat ass. Just like his mother.” Couldn’t stop chuckling from that point on.
Happy Same Old-Same Old New Year.
-E
erika-
say, there. okay, i for one will never give up carne asada burritos. or tacos for that matter. some things will never be broken. some things shouldn’t be given up. right?
well, now i see the bonaduce/hegel thread. i didn’t know that but it makes perfect sense now. bonaduce is an asshole. well, at least the times i saw him on tv. muscles. foul mouth.
did hegel lift weights?
some dead lifts. arm curls.
mr. LD wasn’t a bad feller. i don’t know what he was doing w/ that girl. she was wild and he rather tame. anyhow, another roommate story. did i mention that she ate my food? all of it! like if I was boning her! wtf?
thanks for reading, erika. have a pleasant week and happy new year.
all right,
r
You made me feel better about liking the Counting Crows. Why was I bothered by the fact that I like them? Weird.
BL-
i always thought they were a good band. mind you, i stopped buying their stuff years ago. so i can’t say what they’re doing now.
their first album is a great example of solid songwriting. from end to end. one of my favorites. one of those “magical” first albums some bands experience. i bet they’re still writing good tunes. duritz has talent. perhaps a bit somber, but the guy can write. no doubt.
so don’t feel bad, brad. wave your freak flag high! c’mon, mr. jones!
I adore Counting Crows. I still listen to them, too. The old stuff, anyway. I’m waving my freak flag with you guys.
Hey Reno - I looked it up and couldn’t determine whether Hegel ever lifted weights. The “Master/Slave” dialectic looks fairly weighty, though. I don’t know. Just throwing that out there.
Peace.
How many cigs do you think that man is smoking all at once? What a twisted resolution. HA! Turn that into beers chugged at once and you’ve got every college freshman’s party resolution.
the guy’s gotta be smoking dozens. very cool device, don’t you say. thanks for reading.
r
V-necks and Valium
Cake & KFC
Tanked on Tequila
See, this man is a poet of Vice.
And he makes it all sound so succulent……
The root of all evils.
v-necks and valium= pure addiction.
hey check your email , 11. i have some Qs regarding the mfa stuff.
r
I ate four pieces of Mama’s lasagna this Christmas.
Resolutions are better when they are kept silent, and when they are employed before the holidays.
I made a resolution to walk to and from work at least 4 days a week. I made this commitment back in October.
I’ve been doing good so far. Even when it was -6 outside, I walked 4 miles that day. Because I like to walk through Midtown, and I like to listen to books on CD while I walk. That time, walking to and from work to Grand Central, is my time, and I cherish it.
Good luck to all of you on your resolutions, be they New Year’s or other.
hey, great! keep walking. i always wished i lived in a place where i can walk to work, walk to the grocery store, etc. anyhow, happy new year, autumn. hope it’s a good one.
mama’s lasagna,
r