Squiggle Wiggle All The Way Home
January 22nd, 2009by Lenore Zion
LOS ANGELES, CA-
When I was a kid, my mother, Irene, purchased for me a short-lived product called a Squiggle-Wiggle Writer. The Squiggle-Wiggle Writer was a pen with a little motor that spun around at the top, causing a vibration, or a wiggle. The result: instead of a straight line, the pen produced a squiggle. I used to write my name millions of times when I was younger, like girls do with the names of boys they have crushes on, only I was at the time, and continue to be, a narcissist, so I wrote only my own name. Lenore Lenore Lenore Lenore.
It’s important to point out that my cat just vomited on my foot. My goal is to ignore the barf until I finish writing what I set out to write, because…I’m not really sure why. It’s good to have goals.
With the Squiggle-Wiggle Writer, my name was textured and plump. The pen was satisfying to write with. It was good for penmanship. But more importantly for a narcissist, the Squiggle-Wiggle Writer filled a much more important function; it allowed me to fuck myself.
The Squiggle-Wiggle Writer was my very first vibrator. It was a sex toy for kids – a wildly brilliant idea, though the market apparently did not reflect the genius of the design, given its curt appearance in toy stores. I have to believe that the manufacturers of this product knew exactly what they were pumping out of their assembly lines, much in the same way the makers of those massage tools at Sharper Image know damn well what they’re selling. People just don’t need a handheld back massager, and even if the thing is purchased with the intention of massaging one’s back, eventually it will find its way downtown.
My cat is now lapping up his own vomit from my foot. Cats tend to do this for some reason. You’d think the stomach acid would act as a deterrent, but not so for felines.
Similarly, people don’t need pens that wiggle. We don’t need to write in a squiggle. We do, however, need to get off. Unless we’re really religious, and then we are filled with God orgasms. Spiritual, divine, Godgasms.
I was raised without religion, so I needed a vibrator.
My Squiggle-Wiggle Writer was not the only one in the household as I grew up. My brother had been given one as well. I’m fairly certain that he similarly employed his personal Squiggle-Wiggle Writer, something to the tune of holding it up against his balls while he beat off. While my parents are no idiots, I do sometimes wonder if they were aware of the masturbatory treasures they’d offered us.
I also sometimes wonder if, in order to protect my fragile psyche, I created the extra Squiggle-Wiggle Writer that belonged to my brother. I wonder if perhaps there was but one in the entire house, and this one Squiggle-Wiggle Writer was abused by both my brother and myself. Did I share my very first vibrator with my brother? I’ll never know.
This kitty puke is starting to get really gross. There are patches of it missing from my cat’s taste-testing, and now I’m concerned my cat’s rough tongue served as a grinding agent, really working the barf elements into my skin.
The first non-manual methods of masturbation. Sometimes you get lucky and get a vibrator disguised as a pen. Other times you don’t, and you spend the first seven years of your sexual awakening fucking an electric toothbrush or a tube sock filled with your sister’s hand lotion.
Screw it. I’m going to wash my foot.
Tags: Irene Zion
Christ Almighty! What just happened here?
I’m still trying to come down from the thrill of a double Zion Thursday, suddenly thrown by the vomit on the foot and the next thing I know an innocent child’s toy is suddenly an incestuous sex toy….
I didn’t see that coming!
I cannot tell you the level of discomfort this blog has brought me to. You are a severely disturbed blogger, missy.
Disturbed I tell you!
i suggest you blame my mom. she’s the creep who raised me.
Irene!!!!!
Josie,
I swear to you that until this past Thanksgiving of the unfortunate Pig, I had NEVER known about this.
Lenore was ALWAYS writing her name on everything. She had ALL KINDS of pens.
How could I possibly know that my little girl was doing this at all, let alone with a PEN?
Really, put yourself in my shoes. Could you have suspected, even?
Lenore you are now getting the EVIL EYE! Can you feel it? You will have a miserable day because you cannot hide from the EVIL EYE!
Hi. I liked your story and want to discuss this fetish of yours via chat or email. Please, contact me. [email protected]
Lenore, they still sell the squiggle wiggle writer and I have full intention of making sure it is in your slutty little hands as soon as possible. I just got one for Timothy. I’m keeping an eye on that future perv or hell, perhaps I should just keep it for MYSELF! MUAHAHA!
Thanks for the heads up.
I love your family. The disturbing stories are refreshing and unique.
you’re right. i googled it, and there it was. new design, too!
I swear I will fly 3000 miles and search your house and remove EVERYTHING that even so much as shakes. See you tomorrow.
you can’t get rid of the men, mom.
Matt is the only man allowed in your apartment. This is by decree.
relax, ma. i’m a virgin.
Christine, you are encouraging depravity in my children.
Well, perhaps you are further encouraging their depravity.
That’s just as bad!
I gotta get me one of those pens.
Cat puke - already got plenty of that. My Norman’s a puker. Little fuck.
Wait! did you see THIS???
I’m excited by the Spyro-gyra possibilities. Definitely sounds more interesting that the Squiggle-wiggle option.
Well, that Spyro-gyra looks like it has the girth, but does it have the right amount of weight to get you “there?” I guess you’ll have to test it for us Kimberly!
Just remember to remove the green lapel clip and I think you’ll be on your way to O town.
there’s not a clear contact surface though, on the spyro-gyra pen. trust me with the squiggle-wiggle writer.
Clearly, I shall defer to the professional!
Oh my God. Now she’s a professional masturbator.
I am now looking under my sink for lye.
I am drinking lye.
Kimberly,
My friend, Marcia, has a system for cat puke. A few years ago she had three cats and a white rug, already a mistake. She discovered that if you washed it up right away, it would leave a stain. But. If you left it there until it dried, an average of 7 to 10 days, you could just vacuum it right up. There were always many piles of cat puke in various stages of drying on her rug. You had to be careful walking in her house.
That is the most disgusting and vile thing I’ve ever heard.
Nature’s Miracle. Best investment you’ll ever make.
Kimberly,
She removed the white rug eventually and put down a wood floor. It was way easier to clean up.
It’s not “ribbed for her pleasure” is it?
it wasn’t back then. who knows what advances they’ve made.
wtf lenore, wtf?… is this the kind of craziness i work with?
don’t tell anyone. please?
The lye REALLY hurts going down, Lenore.
I showed this post to a friend of mine in MFA school and asked her to tell me what this post meant in that sort of advanced reading comprehension institute of higher learning fancy sort of theme and subcontext sort of manner.
She peered through the tops of her glasses, hmm-ed twice, chuckled once, spun the laptop and said
“Lenore loves attention.”
I for one, will provide that and ask that the rest of you, once you catch up with the TNB 3.0 anticipatory Thursday onslaught, to dole it out in spades.
By the way Lenore, I’ve been meaning to tell you this story:
Recently at church, in the foyer, two elderly gentlemen were discussing the impending senior’s trip to Israel.
“Are you going to Mount Zion?”
“No but I’d sure love to.”
Because I am an inappropriate giggler, I thought of you and did.
See what you miss when you grow up without religion?
i’ve been exposed.
i gotta be honest…i’m not sure that i see what exactly i missed without the religious stuff. at least not based on the example you provided.
James Michael Blaine,
No old man is mounting any Zion. Got it?
James Michael Blaine,
You JUST NOW cottoned to the fact that Lenore loves attention?
You obviously have not been scrutinizing her blogs carefully enough.
Was it wrong of me to know that the Squiggle-Wiggle Writer would be used as a vibrator? Well done.
PS: I liked the interweaving cat vomit and vibrator threads. I think it created a sense of urgency to finish reading the story.
why THANK you, eric. i personally thought the cat vomit interweaving was genius.
Leave it on your foot and vacuum it in a week, Lenore.
It got me hard.
New novel idea: chronicle what it was like writing a novel and juxtapose that with the unrelated fictional story.
Get to work on it. I will pay you with kudos and band candy.
My buddy’s kids did the harry potter thing for halloween a couple years back. His 4 year old daughter had a vibrating broomstick that was supposed to simulate “flying”. What kind of person designs a vibrating toy designed for young girls? American hero or pedophile? I imagine it being a man, and a mustache is most certainly involved.
it’s actually perfect! super religious people don’t let their kids read harry potter, so the kids that do don’t have godgasms. they need vibrating broomsticks.
See. Proves the point that Lenore isn’t nearly as as naughty as she seems.
Two gentlemen in their 70’s. Pants up near their armpits.
Speaking with a bit of deaconly church exuberance.
“Say are you going to mount Zion??”
“No, but I’d love to!”
Hint: It’s dirty.
James Michael Blaine, I GOT it already. I GOT it.
My stomach is really hurting from ingesting the lye. I’m going to get some Maalox.
Irene Zion,
Sigh. Very well then.
Two handsome young bucks strolled through the Synagogue foyer.
“Are you going to Mount Zion?” Dashing young lawyerly Goldberg asked.
“Ho ho!” cried Weinstein. “What a double entendre you unintentionally make!”
“Oy vey my brother! I meant the hill just outside the walls of the Old City of Jerusalem!”
Weinstein adjusted his little gold rimmed glasses and ran a hand through his thick locks of curly black hair. “Fret not friend. I know what thou meant. But, were I betrothed to a lass from the Zion clan, verily, I would mount her like Bathsheeba in the night! I would dutifully and with great joy perform my husbandly services and no Zion of mine would need a device that shook!”
The End.
James Michael Blaine,
(The Maalox did wonders. I’ll have to find a sharp instrument.)
I am not at all sure whether what you wrote was intended to make me feel better or not. I’m starting to lose my grip to reality.
I had a vibrating pen too. I thought I was the only one who used it for that supposedly unintended purpose. Who knew? Sorry Irene.
The best part about that is that it was on a side shelf on the desk next to my bed. My friend picked it up and started to play with it and my sisters and I began laughing hysterically. The poor guy had no idea.
that guy hadn’t done the tube sock trick yet.
Very likely.
Oh, but this was a fun one to read aloud amongst friends. I’ve missed you and your unapologetic sexual deviance, Lenore! As you know, I was raised religious, but I have no idea what a godgasm is. I preferred the pool jets, thank you much. And WTF with the Harry Potter broomstick? Good lord.
Erika, go NetFlix Jesus Camp poste haste. Godgasms a-plenty - right there on screen for all to see.
Right nasty stuff, too.
I’m surprised you didn’t have ‘em, Erika. What with your Power Team and the backseat of that bible-bus.
Autumn, Erika Rae and Kimberly,
You are, all three of you, encouraging deviance in my already deviant daughter.
Cease and desist, I say!
Think of your OWN mothers, for Crissake!
My own mother would be appalled but part of the fun of growing up is telling your parents all of the things you couldn’t tell them when you were a child. Also, when I was in high school we (my sisters, friends and I) used to taunt my mother by singing a song we made up about masturbation. We were just trying to open her eyes.
My mother asked for “treats” from the sex shop where I gave a lecture in Amsterdam.
I was born of a Fallen Woman.
Oh - I’ve seen that crazy film. My life wasn’t THAT Godtastic. I mean, it was - but different. I distinctly do not remember ever wearing camo and dancing unto the Lord a war dance. But, um, I won’t deny doing other crazy shenanigans.
And anyway, you’re the one who dated the Evang drummer, Kimberly…why don’t YOU tell us about a Godgasm! (snicker)
(Oh, and sorry for encouraging Lenore, Irene. I’m just, well, repressed.)
Talk about Holy wrist-action, Batgirl!
(OK - we should quit now. Irene might have a heart attack.)
i feel like all i can think about is sexual deviance because it’s my doc project topic. it’s clearly invading my thoughts in every area.
I think if more people knew they could do a doctoral study in sexual deviance, there would be more PhDs in the world.
Lucky.
As jmb would say: “duh.”
Makes you wonder what you’re getting when you purchase a used Squiggle-Wiggle Writer on eBay.
EEEWWWW! Rob! EEEWWWWW!
I spat coffee, Rob. Thanks so much. Going to send you a bill for a new powerbook.
strong point, Rob.
I want to go to Johnny Rocket’s or CPK for my birthday dinner. I think we should treat you and Matt. Let’s discuss. And let’s leave our vibrators at home.
can it be CPK? johnny rocket’s really is gross, dude.
Some daughter you are, Lenore! You kicked my Seppuku post off the page entirely and moved my Bomb post all the way to the bottom of the page where no one bothers to look.
Way to grab all the attention, hog!
who wouldn’t bother to look at your writing? everyone loves you cause you’re funny and pretty.
You people make me sick.
XOXO,
Your non-degenerate brother
what the hell makes you non-degenerate?
Not fucking props; that’s my guess.
A tube sock filled with your sister’s hand lotion? Seriously?
obviously you had a better idea when you were growing up. want to enlighten us, Listi?
ps try the sock.
When are they just gonna invent a mass market artificial vagina?
I’m sure they already have something like it for sale on the web, but I’m talking something super easy and accessible, for adolescents. Made by Nerf. Or the fine people at Nintendo.
There is the fleshlight.
And with the i-gasm there should be a male equivalent.
(yes, that’s what it sounds like)
(it vibrates in time with what music you’re playing)
Mr. Listi, they do have a mass marketed artificial vagina. It’s called the fleshlight.
I claim innocence in my knowledge, however! My good friend owns and operates an “adult store and dance club” and was the first to inform me of this thing. But since, I have heard it mentioned many times.
yes, but Listi wants a nerf vagina.
it’s a childhood nostalgia thing, i imagine. fleshlight simply doesn’t bring him back to the good old days.
Not a fan of the sock… However, I did have these silky “Aladdin” pants that were FANTASTIC!
A roughly accurate snippet from my phone conversation:
“Okay. I’m boring you.”
“No. Sorry. I was reading my friend’s new posting.”
“Should I let you go?”
“That’s not necessary. I’ve read enough.”
“Well, you could read it to me and have it both ways.”
“When she was a kid, she had a pen that vibrates. You don’t need the rest to get it, and neither do I.”
it’s the journey, not the destination. jerk.
…said the actress to the bishop.
Ask Martyn to explain that one.
SCIENCE CORNER! (in re your implication of Tim):
Anecdotal evidence shows the testicles to be approximately as erogenous a zone as an easily kicked pair of ovaries.
And you end with one more comment than your mother this round, and I’m out. Don’t feel remotely encouraged, but feel free to proceed loving me so goddamn much as per usual.
you don’t qualify for the love.
Among the amazed gasps, accusations of deviance and/or perversion, and uncomfortable guffaws, I’m missing the observation that this is, once again, an incredibly clever (albeit somewhat disturbingly candid) piece of writing.
thank you, darlin.
i don’t think i understand what people find disturbing.
That’s because you are not your mother. (As jmb would say, “duh.”)
I wish I had been so creative as a kid. Good for you.
it’s biology, sara. not creativity.
STOP THAT! There is NOTHING genetic involved here. Lenore is a mutant. Plain and simple.
Wow, I missed out. I didn’t have a Squiggle-Wiggle writer, or a vibrating broomstick, or Godgasms.
Speaking of creepy girl toys: there’s a My Little Pony, named Pinkie Pie that dances (read: vibrate), and says things like: Playing with you tickles me pink!
I think I know my goddaughter’s next birthday present.
Lenore had My Little Ponies. Go ahead. Ask her about them. I dare you, Autumn!
my little ponies were my favorites. i gave up my pacifier for them. and that’s serious business.
I still have My Little Ponies. But, none of them vibrate.
That’s what My Pet Dolphin is for.
http://evesgarden.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=514
An artificial vagina … made by Nerf? Genius, Listi, genius! I laughed so hard I think I hurt myself.
Thanks for pleasuring us, Lenore. Mmmm.
Listi always has the best ideas.
My brother had a vibrating pen, but I just liked to write my name with it. I think he had it at an age where I was too young to even be aware of the masturbation possibilities.
shame shame.
I must admit…I used my squiggle pen as a vibrator as well. Whew, feels good to get that off my chest
excellent!
i guess i was a late bloomer, or something…i didn’t really get into the whole touchy-feely thing until i was 17. Or rather…that’s when the first time it led to anything actually, you know, worth it happened.
It didn’t involve a pen, though. Still doesn’t.
Not that i’m judging.
Jesus, Psi, SOMEBODY has to judge her!
leave it to god and anyone who googles me from here on out.
1. my cats never eat their own vomit. i am satisfied with that.
2. this was my favorite part of any thanksgiving ever.
3. i only just found out you posted a story. no one tells me anything.
it was pretty much the best part of thanksgiving. no arguments here.
you were such a savvy little girl.
luckily, they make a vast array of handcrafted tools that vibrate just for the ladies.
however, i like how you get a 2 in 1 deal out of pens and toothbrushes.
yesterday chris and i stood in front of the massagers at walgreens.
you know for your “sore back.” they’re not fooling anyone!
i wouldn’t use the toothbrush for both, so technically it’s not a two in one deal. just a super cheap vibrator.
Writing and talking about childhood masturbatory experiences is always a good thing. (Is masturbatory a word?)
I actually just related the story tonight how my family got HBO when I was a kid. We had had it for about a week, until my mom walked into the living room late one night to find me watching Real Sex 9 and immediately cancelled the subscription. I was too young to masturbate, but I guess the image of her young son staring all googly-eyed at a bunch of old nudists on the television so scarred my mother that she could never risk ever having to stumble upon something so terrible again.
Old nudists destroyed an opportunity for me to watch shitty movies on a nightly basis for the duration of my childhood. Almost seems unfair.
i used to get so turned on by that show “dream on.” i can’t remember which movie channel it was on, but it always had a raunchy sex scene.
but my parents didn’t care if we watched naked people. they were perverts, too.
Plenty of people want attention. Most of the people I know, actually, and it’s always refreshing when you come across someone who both wants it and deserves it.
You hear that, Lenore? You’re awesome.
I’d be hard pressed to find something in my house that I haven’t put up to my balls at some point in time, but sadly, the whole vibration thing is more of a distraction thing for us. Pity. Though you have opened up my imagination to the perverted possibilities of other childhood toys. I had never considered it before, but it seems obvious in hindsight that when you tickle Elmo, Elmo tickles you back.
–jason
haha, you fucked up the italics. LOSER!
jk, you’re my hero. <3
I’m not sure it was the fact that the people were naked that so disgusted my mother, it was the fact that they were all twenty years older than her with pendulous boobs and elephant skin ball-sacks. I still remember the scene oh-so-clearly. When I was 13 I started getting a Playboy in the Christmas stocking, along with a box of condoms (oh, my parents always did have too much confidence in me), so I assume the simple fact of the nudity couldn’t have been what made my mom cancel the subscription. Could be wrong.
that was so nice of your parents! i always got weird shit that i didn’t want in my stocking. then again, i never really want presents. i just want big things that are too expensive to ask for, like cars and houses and laptops and monies.
then again, i think the squiggle-wiggle writer was a stocking stuffer….
elephant skin ball-sacks. weird.
YOU LIE! YOU LOVED YOUR STOCKINGS!
(I’ve had just about enough of this!)
Since Mugabe is slaughtering elephants in Zimbabwe to feed his army, perhaps when I am there I can get you your own set of elephant balls. I will try my best, short of catching cholera or being beheaded.
Love, MOM
“Did I share my very first vibrator with my brother? I’ll never know.”
It’s incredible how much we have in common, Lenore.
it’s because you are my soul brother.
Hi Lenore, I doubt you take orders well, but you must read this other thread about Missy and her experiences with the Squiggle Wiggle.
http://www.piratesporch.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=1871