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Litsa Dremousis

Suggestions, Verities, and Such:

October 5th, 2009
by Litsa Dremousis


Historians assuredly will view this epoch and, among other things, conclude we fussed and churned way too much over pubic hair.

We elected a president, not Santa Claus. We’re not going to get everything we want in the first three fourths of the first year of the first term.

While I know otherwise, I prefer to think ships float by magic: the water displacement theory strikes me as kind of sketchy.

Ladies, we’re nearly 52% of the population. Perhaps more of us could act accordingly?

Also, might a tiny but attention-grabbing portion of us stop writing to and marrying serial killers?

And fellas, might a tiny but attention-grabbing portion of you stop serial killing?

Is anything more resplendent than a lilac tree in spring?

Nutella, while medicinal, is extremely potent and should be handled as such: the combination of spoon and jar seems to hurl one into a time lapse and next thing you know, your evening is shot to hell and your shirt looks like an eight year-old’s.

Some babies are utterly divine, miracles even, but not all are cute or even engaging and it doesn’t make you an asshole for noting such. Internally, that is.

While many writers have blogs, a blog in itself won’t connote talent.

My best friend appreciates neither Joan Didion nor Bob Dylan. I love him in spite, not because, of these facts.

Hey, a certain segment of white uneducated citizens, I know you’ve got a lot of public yelling to do today, but if I may have a bit of your time: this is a spectacularly inopportune point in history for the U.S. to field numbskulls who hate things like health care access and learning. So how ’bout if the rest of us supply free beer and pie for life and you cease with the “He’s a socialist/Nazi/foreigner!” crap? Deal?

I want to live long enough for a woman of David Letterman’s stature to announce she nailed half her staff and be greeted with a hearty round of applause. Then we’ll know we’ve achieved true gender parity.

I love him anyway, though. Color me conflicted.

Gray’s Papaya hotdogs, an iced soy mocha from Joe, and people-watching on a 75 degree day in Washington Square Park. Perfection.

After the atom and neutrons bombs, surely Tevas sandles are among history’s most pernicious inventions.

I often walk with a cane and last week at Seattle’s SeaTac airport, accidentally traipsed through the metal detector with it, rendering the TSA employee apoplectic. Three days later, departing Portland’s PDX, a TSA worker offered me one of two wooden canes they keep on hand for said purpose. Can we please nominate for a Nobel the person who concocted the latter idea?

My novel is a motherfucking pugilist, but I am upright because I can take and throw a punch.

I recommend Patton Oswalt’s latest disc, My Weakness is Strong, to everyone currently drawing breath. Unless, say, you have a nail wedged in your cerebral cortex and no longer find funny things funny. In which case, skip it.

Mom to me, several years ago when someone in Seattle’s Greek community erroneously concluded I was a lesbian, “You know how I know you’re not gay? Because if you were, we’d have to march in all the parades.”

Due to aforementioned cane, my balance is presently not great. But if any of you opt to kick Glenn Beck in the balls eight or nine times, I swear I’ll provide your alibi. Pecan sandies, too.

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Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-05 21:41:39

I’d happily kick Glenn back in the nuts, but sadly, I don’t think my legs will reach from NZ.
I enjoyed this, Litsa. And I related.
But what about Crocs? You must have something to say about them? I know they are comfortable, but they raise my ire. The NZ Olympic team wore them as its official footwear. I nearly handed my passport in when I heard that.
Oh and pubic hair. What is with that? When did that become such a hairy issue?

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-05 21:54:59

Thanks, Zara, on all counts! And I’m completely w/ you re Crocs. One of my best friends started wearing them after she had her first child and, as I told her, I know parenthood is a singular experience and I can’t know what it’s like, but that it is still not a valid excuse to forgo laces and don plastic. (Side note: at this juncture, my Gravatar is doing wonky things. Alas.)

Comment by Matt
2009-10-06 07:31:28

Crocs as official Olympic Footwear?! I’m astonished the Olympic Committee didn’t bar NZ from participating on grounds of bad taste!

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 07:33:32

Hey, Matt! Your comment appeared–as if by magic!–a couple hours after the fact. And I agree w/ assessment, especially as NZ itself is so goddamned gorgeous.

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Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-06 08:54:36

NZ is a gorgeous country, it’s true. But we have shocking taste in footwear.

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 09:10:23

Blame it on all those Hobbits.

Comment by Matt
2009-10-06 09:01:23

“Oh and pubic hair. What is with that? When did that become such a hairy issue?”


Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 10:16:19

“And don’t forget to tip your waitress on your way out!”

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Comment by Zara
2009-10-06 10:54:43

Sorry. Couldn’t resist. I’m so juvenile.

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 11:07:46

I’m w/ you, though. I’m condo secretary in my home dwelling and made a few similarly goofy but benign comments at the last board meeting and subsequently there have been some awkward encounters in the elevator.

Comment by Irene Zion
2009-10-06 03:39:33

I have to say that I have barely ever even considered pubic hair.
Just saying.

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 05:44:18

You have to say that you’re just saying?

For sexually active members of subsequent generations, it’s become a de rigueur topic, regardless of one’s (mutable) decision. As such, it’s been a multimillion dollar industry in this country and several others for at least a decade. And TNB’s estimable and full-tilt awesome Kim Wetherell made a documentary in part, on said topic earlier this year: It hasn’t played Seattle yet, but I very much look forward to throwing my popcorn in the air on her behalf.

Comment by Mary
2009-10-06 06:28:51


Also, yes to the entire rest of this piece.

Glenn Beck is one of those people who are so mystifyingly idiotic that I cannot come up with the words to mock him.

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 06:45:32

Thanks, Mary! I live w/in six blocks of three of Seattle’s best bakeries, so I will gladly provide pecan sandies for everyone who repeatedly blasts Glenn Beck in the nuts. Count yourself in. Also, I just checked out your creative non-fiction site, No Titles: nicely done! Compelling stuff, M.

Comment by Mary
2009-10-06 08:51:11

Aww, thanks. It nice of you to check it out. :-)

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 10:17:36

Genuinely enjoyed it, Mary! Full speed ahead!

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Comment by Matt
2009-10-06 07:34:54

Moment he’s in range I’ll kick Glenn Beck in the nards so hard he gains vertical liftoff. With luck that’ll sterilize him, too. I really don’t think we need that sort of stupidity polluting our gene pool.

Nutella is heavenly.

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 07:51:22

Hey again, Matt! Good work on the vertical liftoff and sterilization thing. Perfectly fitting for a pundit (and I use that term loosely) who insists access to health care is a coded hatred of whites and a smokescreen for reparations. If you have a bit of free time, could you also douse his crotch in honey and unleash a swarm of fire ants? I live across the street from Top Pot Donuts and I’ll see you get some of those, too.

Comment by Matt
2009-10-06 08:34:59

Done and done. I’ll also rub his knees with really coarse sandpaper, then force him to kneel in a bathtub full of vinegar and rock salt.

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 10:21:13

Are you part Greek? Because the depth and creativity of your punishments lead me to conclude we might share an ancestor or two way back. Either way, re Beck, I’ll happily be providing you w/ baked goods for the foreseeable future.

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Comment by Matt
2009-10-06 16:23:25

No, no Greek (that I know of), but I am part Cheyenne and part Spanish, and we all know how good the Spanish are with torture.

Also, I’m generally kind of an ornery, mean-spirited bastard.

Comment by Will Entrekin
2009-10-06 08:35:52

Well said all around, and good advice. Love the blogs not connoting talent bit.

And is it just me, or does Beck seem to act like he’s always just post-kick-to-the-nuts? He’s always either apoplectic or crying.

Well. I base this on the entire five minutes I’ve devoted to him and his show. I was interested in finding out what everyone was talking about, but my brain cells told me I could kill them all I liked but had to choose between either alcohol or Beck. So the only Beck I’m allowed to consume now is the beer. I’m not upset about this.

Would that all uneducated citizens would stfu and leave the country-running to the rest of us.

Comment by Matt
2009-10-06 09:02:32

Your brain’s got smarts. It’ll go far.

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 10:33:06

I think you’re talking about Will, in which case I second you. If you’re referring to me, aw, thanks, dude.

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Comment by Matt
2009-10-06 16:23:52

I was specifically replying to Will, but it certainly applies to you as well.

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 10:31:14

Thank you, Will, for your detailed and hilarious feedback! I confess it took me a sec to remember Beck’s is also a beer, but that’s b/c I imbibe ridiculous foo-foo drinks like grasshoppers and white Russians, much to the consternation of my friends.

And I hear you: in a democracy, we want everyone to have a voice. But the LaRouche assholes (who have infested my neighborhood and whom I have confronted more than once) and their ilk aren’t part of any reasoned political discourse. I lean toward the left on my most issues, but I have friends and family who are moderate Republicans and we debate issues on their merits and, most often, agree to disagree. But when groups like the aforementioned slap a Hitler mustache on the president’s visage and then call you “a fascist” for pointing out it’s mordantly offensive to those of us who had family live under Nazi occupation, well, you can’t help but wish they’d get the fuck out of the way and leave grown-up work to the grown-ups.

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 10:50:18

^ And for some reason (poltergeists!), try as I might, my response to Will absolutely refused to perch under Will’s comment and insisted on nestling under Matt’s.

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Comment by Will Entrekin
2009-10-06 11:20:15

I’m of the mind that we should require a test for voting, just like we require one for citizenship. Which I suppose is elitist, but I’ve been called worse.

I love those signs. I love the rhetoric. I love that people call Obama, alternately, “fascist,” and “socialist,” and imply Nazism. Judging by those signs, Obama has so bad a case of political multiple personality disorder he’d be Sybil’s candidate of choice. It’s like they don’t realize that fascism and socialism are not actually the same thing.

One of the highlights of my Internet experience so far was when Mike Godwin, of Godwin’s law fame, flamed me in an online forum. For anyone who doesn’t know, Godwin’s law is the meme that, given a long enough timeline, any inflammatory discussion will eventually feature a reference to Nazism, after which no intelligent discourse can be achieved. I think of that every time I see an Obama poster with a Hitlerstache Sharpied in.

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Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 16:51:02

First off, Will, it’s inadvertently hilarious that you got flamed by Godwin. Wear it like a badge, man.

Underscoring your point, and it’s essentially the one I’ve made w/ the LaRouche supporters, they *don’t even know the meaning of the words and symbols they toss about.* (I actually asked the most recent group what went so wrong in their childhoods that they are desperate to belong, essentially, anywhere? Even to a group that compares a president trying to get them health care to the 20th century’s most lethal genocidal dictator?)

Re the voter registration test, I’m w/ you in theory. In practice, I fear it would be implemented as it was in the first 60 years of the previous century, i.e. that certain individuals would be asked to spell “cat” and others would have to translate the Gettysburg Address into Esperanto. But if there were an equitable and closely regulated exam that required participants to clear a few basic but pertinent hurdles, that would be swell.

Comment by Tom Hansen
2009-10-06 11:35:53

You should get yourself a nice wooden cane. I use one too, because of all the punishment I inflicted upon myself and didn’t have a problem when I went to France in 05. Go to a medical supply store and ask for their catalog and check out the cane tops. All they usually have in stock are the usual dumb stuff, ducks and horsies, but I got myself a cool panther. Which bakery? I think Le Panier down in the Market is the best. Oooh those sandwiches. $5.50? Can’t beat that

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 16:40:27

Oh, Le Panier is lovely. Now you’ve made me hungry. I live near the B & O, Dilletante, and Top Pot Donuts, so whenever I’m invited to a dinner party or holiday, I volunteer to bring dessert. I’m a talented cook, but sometimes it’s just easier to pick out something everyone loves and be done w/ it.

Re the wooden cane, pardon my total chick response, but here goes: when I’m in periods wherein a cane is necessary, I use the metal, adjustable ones b/c I must adjust it based on my shoes. I.e. ballet flats = lower. Frye boots (which only have an inch and a half heel, but anyway) = slightly higher. Otherwise, I find my shoulder gets all out of whack. Your idea is a great one, though!

Comment by Simon Smithson
2009-10-06 12:44:25

Oh, Glenn Beck. Sometimes I think that guy just needs a great big hug from some kind of giant animal mascot.

Of course, that feeling isn’t mutually exclusive to the little voice that’s coming from the tip of my right shoe right now, the one saying It’s time! We’ve got an alibi now!.

Also, wait, what? Free health care and learning? Those things are for Commies, man.

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 16:34:17

Totally. Only those who long to *bring this country down* want health care access for all and improved schools for its citizens. Next thing you know, the third woman in U.S. history will get appointed to the Supreme Court and usher in the apocalypse, replete w/ Judas Priest lyrics and soy milk.

Comment by Tom Hansen
2009-10-06 14:55:59

Who is Glenn Beck? (I’m ignoring all idiots from this point on. They do not exist. I cannot hear them)

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 16:29:30

GB is a FOX News commentator who was a wee bit more moderate previously (in relative terms, of course) but has recently gone so far off the rails that dozens of sponsors have dropped his Fox show and his syndicated radio program. Among other totally batshit transgressions, he recently announced that he believes President Obama is a racist who hates all white people (no, that’s not an exaggeration) and that O’s health care reform is a secret and coded plan for slavery reparations. Hence, the enthusiasm ’round these parts for his repeated cock-punching.

Comment by Greg Olear
2009-10-06 15:11:18

The best place to people watch in NYC is St Marks Place between Second and Third Avenues, although Washington Square does have its moments.

The underlying philosophy of socialism is, “Let’s help one another.” The underlying philosophy of libertarianism is, “Fuck everyone else.” And yet the former is the one more reviled. Odd.

(I shall now duck out of here before Irene sees what I just wrote…)

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 16:24:40

Hey, Greg! I know that area of St. Mark’s Place quite well and you’re right: it’s a divine parade. I’ve had some wonderful conversations w/ patrons and shop owners and I also stumbled upon a bathroom stall *coated* in (presumably) human shit. Unquestionably, never dull. I give a slight edge to Washington Square Park b/c of the benches (useful for hot dog eating), the fountain, the arch (of course), and the way the light dapples through the trees. I know it’s sometimes overrun w/ NYU kids, but what are ya gonna do?

Re the socialism/libertarianism paradox: agreed. I revel in healthy competition and find aspects of capitalism massively useful, but a moral society has a safety net for its most vulnerable. This is a whole other tangent and I’m sure you’re well acquainted w/ the bigger picture, but when I used to volunteer for King County’s Crisis Clinic years ago, the cases that absolutely ripped me open were the ones wherein someone was poor and mentally ill. They had little or no resources and it was, and remains, deeply tragic.

Comment by Joshua
2009-10-13 06:05:58

Um, actually, the underlying philosophy of socialism is, “You will “help” others, whether you want to or not, whether they deserve it or not.”

So I’ll keep my liberty, thanks. And I’ll keep as many of my dollars out of the hands of corrupt politicians as I can, and maintain some semblance of control over my life. And I’ll help the people I choose to help.

Comment by Lenore
2009-10-06 17:43:07

i have a lot of trouble liking people who don’t like bob dylan.
those people are missing something. they really are.

Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-06 21:39:26

That’s precisely it: they’re missing out on something essential. (Or did you mean they’re lacking something internally? B/c a case could be made many of them are.) The friend in question, however, is intelligent and attuned in most other respects, which just makes the Dylan/Didion thing weirder. But he makes me homemade chicken soup and delectable stir-fry and sometimes grocery shops for me when I’m on deadline or ill or both. So I overlook his Dylan impairment. (Most of the time. Truth be told, I did throw it up to him once in a fight, i.e. “What do you know? You don’t even like Bob Dylan!” Which is not the most mature point I’ve ever articulated, but there you have it.)

Comment by D.R. Haney
2009-10-07 00:46:31

I have to admit to mixed feelings about Dylan. I appreciate him more than I like him, though “Positively 4th Street” is one of my favorite songs ever. (And the book of the same name is pretty fascinating.)

I love Didion, however.

I’m sorry that you’re currently using a cane. I always trip metal alarms at airports because of the steel in my arm and leg, both of which were fused back together with steel after being crushed in a horrific accident.

But aren’t serial killings down now? It seems like I don’t read about them as much as I used to in the days of, say, Jeffrey Dahmer. Schoolyard and workplace shootings seem to have eclipsed serial killings as the American murders of choice.

Oh, and please call me Duke, Litsa. Nice to meet you.

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Comment by Litsa Dremousis
2009-10-07 08:23:14

Duke, your views on Dylan are word-for-word my friend’s on Lauryn Hill’s. And obviously, all of this is subjective. But if you ever get a chance to really submerge yourself in BD’s Blond on Blond, maybe you’ll be swayed. (Oh, and re Didion, as another friend puts it, “Joan Didion is a super-hero.”

Thanks for the kind words re the cane. Really sorry to hear about your horrific car accident and its ensuing and painful complications. Fuck fucking fuck. But very glad you’re among the living.

Comment by D.R. Haney
2009-10-07 19:08:51

Thanks. And I hope you’re on the mend. I hope it wasn’t the novel that caused the cane — highly understandable, if so. My novel kicked my ass, though I ultimately prevailed.

At the risk of appearing contrary, which isn’t the case at all, Blonde on Blonde is my least favorite of the early “masterpiece” albums by Dylan. I much prefer Bringing It All Back Home, Highway 61 Revisited, and The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan, in that order. The cover of the last is one of my all-time favorites, though I’d hardly be unique on that account.

Comment by Marni Grossman
2009-10-07 21:38:56

Serial deserve love, too, I suppose. Different strokes and all that, right?

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