I Have Become a Cranky Old Fart
October 16th, 2009by David Breithaupt
COLUMBUS, OH-
It’s been a slow encroachment, subtle, like the onset of age or the shot that divides the casual user from confirmed addict. Perhaps it has been ticking inside me, like some DNA time-bomb waiting to release its gas, infecting me in increments until finally, I awake one day to realize: I have become a cranky old fart.
It comes with age. At least in my case it has as I look down the pot-holed road of my fifth decade. I am becoming one of those old codgers I remember from my youth, disdainful, angry old cranks, resentful of youth and its waste on the young. I never understood them then but now I might have an inkling. Perhaps they were angry about the poon tang they couldn’t have anymore, the vaporous co-eds that cooed beyond their shaky reach. It was as if they’d been sentenced to Super-Man’s Phantom Zone.
I’ve noticed my crank-syndrome (CS) at work. I’m employed by a sports newspaper, part of which entails the coverage of OSU football recruits. Without exception, the stats of these recruits which includes their free time activities, sound like a piece of old vinyl with a stuck needle. Under hobbies, the list is always the same; “likes Lil Wayne, hanging out with friends, playing with the X Box.”
I’m sick of Lil Wayne.
Christ, what the hell is an X Box? And is there some un-written law that all recruits must listen to Lil Wayne? I’d be happy to see Def Jam listed once or Public Enemy or even Kanye West. Anything but Lil Fuckin’ Wayne! When am I going to see recruit interested say, in translating the Hebrew bible into ancient Greek, constructing a scale model with tooth picks of Chartres or even boosting Jaguars from the parking garage downtown? Anything but Lil Wayne and X Boxes!
Hanging out with friends though, is OK.
In fairness, I must examine my own youth if I can remember back that far. What was I doing at their age? Probably listening to Pink Floyd like every other white boy in the midwest. I probably dressed like every other kid my age and certainly drank beer and smoked pot like my peers. Still, I like to think I lurked outside the box at times. I went to art school where outside box lurking was the norm. Lil Wayne wasn’t born yet and X Boxes were far from being invented. Joggers were just starting to wear Walkmans. It was that beautiful time before we became a nation of cell phone idiots. The good old days, right? We were almost Amish back then.
Alas, it’s only another symptom of CS, romanticized nostalgia of one’s youth. The sixties were too violent and the 70s were full of polyester. These decades piss me off. But back then I wasn’t. I was too busy being young.
Perhaps I should nurture my crankiness, treat it like an old aunt or uncle that needed to move in. Make piece with it, accept and welcome it to the layers of my personality. But if I did that I wouldn’t be cranky anymore and what’s the fun of growing old if you can’t be a crank, like some Robert Crumb character?
Damn straight. I hate Lil Wayne and X Boxes. Not even yoga can save me.
Tags: Cranky Frats, Growing old ungracefully, Lil Wayne, Lost Youth
Hey, two Crumb characters have the question and the answer for you, straight from the sixties:
Flakey Foont: “Mr. Natural! What does it all mean?”
Mr. Natural: “It don’t mean sheeit.”
You just have to decide whether you want to channel Flakey or Mr. Natural. I recommend Mr. Natural.
And the sixties weren’t all violent. But you knew that.
I know, there was more to the sixties than violence, its just that one of my earliest memories is of JFK getting blown away then Jack Ruby. I prefer to think of Ed Sanders and the Yippies trying to levitate the Pentagon.
Jesus, I’m only 20 and I’m a cranky old fart. Pink Floyd fucking rule.
When I was at my last university I lived with 15 students who all loved Lil FUCKING Wayne. They played the same album on loop for about two months.
I know what an X Box is, but it doesn’t mean I like ‘em.
I guess it’s not so much disliking Lil Wayne or X Boxes, I would just like to see some variety in popular culture tastes. What if everyone only read John Grisham, wouldn’t you go nuts? Sometimes I wish people were a bit more curious and dug beneath the surface. Does this make me a crank?
Not at all. I totally agree.
Little annoys me more than pop culture ubiquity. I have nothing against the ‘mainstream’— hell, I love a lot of what are now mainstream tv shows and movies.
The house I live in now is much better, although the ubiquitious pop culture is the same. I live with six girls. The faces on the magazines, the songs on the iPods and the pictures on the TV… they’re always the same.
It’s not like I’m a snob either. My favourite TV show is Magnum P.I, I’m in the middle of reading a comic book and Greg Olear’s Totally Killer. The CDs littered around my stereo include more than one Rush album. The last two movies I watched : Good Will Hunting and Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
I feel very isolated from a lot of people my age, because my interests are hard to pigeonhole. They don’t conform to a social stereotype.
The pop culture you immerse yourself in shapes you to an extent. Your interests help define who you are as a person. There are an awful lot of people who are barely distinguishable from each other because they’re all reading, watching, wearing, listening to what people tell them they should.
I started reading comics on the recommendation of a friend and out of a long curiosity. BAM. New interest. A new part of me.
People limit themselves so much— caged in my unwritten social rules and whatnot. It’s all bullshit. The pop culture I revel in is a huge, huge part of who I am. It affects the way I think, my lifestyle, my writing and my clothes. If it wasn’t for discovering grunge and watching a lot of 90s movies I probably wouldn’t be wearing converse trainers, jeans and flannel shirt.
And I look at the cool people and see them dressed pretty much identically— identical even to the perfectly turned out manakin in the high street shop window and get annoyed at them all.
The lowest point in pop culture for me was the whole goth/emo thing a few years ago. Fucking herds of kids in identical clothing going on about how ‘induvidual’ they were.
Christ, I hate young people. I told you I was a cranky old fart.
I slug down my share of the mainstream, hell I grew up on Warhol soup cans. But I don’t eat at McDonalds everyday if you know what I mean. Maybe I am a cranky snob? I’m shaped by pop culture certainly. When I die and my synapses start misfiring, I’ll probably hear the theme song to My Three Sons or an old cigarette commercial. But like you, I am a bit self isolated, which is easy to do in Ohio because few people I know share my interests. Trust me, if you’d read 200 recruiting reports that all liked Lil Wayne, you’d go buggy too. I want people to amaze me every now and then. Or amaze myself. Both are rare. I am shaped by my crankdom.
Jedi — Reading my book is proof that you’re not a snob? I’m crushed. ; )
Only because Totally Killer isn’t as revered as Shakespeare or Dickens.
Yet.
Yep, athletes have bad taste. Dumb, too, most of them.
I enjoyed this piece. What I like most is you didn’t fall into that baby boomer trap, wherein they get all bleary-eyed about how great the 60s were. Blech.
OK, forget “Lollipop”. Tha Carter III is a terrific record. The ubiquity of Lil Wayne is sorta annoying, and Autotune is well beyond grating, but the dude does some incredible things on that album. (Think about it this way: “Lollipop” is the “My Ding-A-Ling” of our generation.) I hear he doesn’t write lyrics; it’s all off the top of his head, which I have a hard to believing. But I’m always willing to suspend my disbelief for hip-hop.
Do you care about hip-hop? Doesn’t sound like it. I don’t imagine most TNBers care about, er, flow…
I hate to say it, with all due respect, but one of the pleasures of being under 30 is watching baby boomers go obsolete. Or, what you call CS. If there’s anything I can do to help, lemme know.
Cheers,
JB
I care about hip hop, I like to watch its influence on other musical venues. It’s just not my particular sound track. One day I might listen to Swan Lake, the next Lou Reed, It’s funny now to see how the Beatles, so big in my own youth, are popular with younger generations. I like the context you put it in, Lil is this generations Sgt. Pepper. Or something like that. I’d just like to see kids listening to Lightning Hopkins or Howling WOlf or Gershwin. Try some Mahler. But that’s just me, the crankster. Thanks JB.
I’d like to see kids listening to a wider range of music, too. But I’d also like to see people interested in “classical” music get a wider range, too. I was always interested in new music (but, I confess, not so much pop) and followed people like Steve Reich, George Crumb, Arvo Part, Gorecki, Tan Dun, John Adams, Terry Riley, Philip Glass — people not too often heard in the concert hall. There’s a shitload of new music that’s not pop, and it’s a shame more people aren’t listening to it, just to see what it’s all about.
I agree with what you’re saying. I don’t like to blame kids for their bad taste and for their even worse learning behaviors. Parents aren’t modeling reading/good music past age ten. So, these kids go with the flow, which is to listen to MTV-pop and, well, not read.
As a teen, open-minded and eager to know my history, I got several early blues records and experienced deep boredom and disappointment. I mean, I knew they were relevant, that the records mattered, but that didn’t help my listening experience. What did Ed Abbey say about literature? “Best when fresh”. I’d agree.
JB, you make a good point about getting all bleary-eyed about the sixties. I try hard to resist it, but sometimes I succumb, especially with music. I hate it when people my age start in on how everything nowadays sucks, compared to the sixties. That’s crazy, but yeah — people do it. Fuck them. Being mired in one time period is bad, no matter when it was.
I think one of the core reasons that people like me feel as though the sixties were transformational was, to put it simply, because of the fifties. The fifties really and truly sucked. Everything opened up in the sixties, and it’s pretty much stayed open since then.
The sixties weren’t a paradise, as David notes, and it wasn’t just the violence. Gender relations were pretty fucked up, too. I like R Crumb, but it’s not easy to look past his sexism. I have a friend who was the publisher of The Oracle, the main hippie publication in SF, and he told me that one time he suggested running an all-women issue (features, art, editorial, etc.) and almost his entire staff of men walked out on him. Then there was the “chicks up front” stuff from later on.
Anyway, try not to judge us too harshly. All the people of my generation (and older) that I admire and respect are totally aware of modern times and what’s going on. Just Wednesday I spent hours with a well-known 81 year old poet who needed to learn Pro Tools basics so he could record himself reading his poems.
I don’t want any more to do with the “sixties rule, everything else sucks” boomers than you do.
Yeah. If you really want something to get cranky over, think about how few paper books, newspapers, and magazines they’re reading. It might be a post-literate world we’re living in.
Now, that sounds harsh and easy-to-question, but it’s true. I see two, three groups of 25 18-year-old kids every semester and 99% of them don’t read ANYTHING on a daily basis–including text on the Internet. I take careful record of this fact, through journals and other assignments. They’re open about about it. They don’t care.
Now that’s something to get cranky about.
I too am alarmed by this fact that young people, mostly guys, don’t read anything. Kind of makes you wonder about the kind of world we’ll be living in in ten, twenty years. Is it intentional, this dumbing down of the populace? Don’t know. I think I read something once that said that Democracy depended on an informed, educated electorate. Well, I think the best of that is long behind us. What kind of decisions are these people (who don’t read) gonna make in the voting booth? And by the time we get to that booth, the deck has been so stacked. Hey, I better shut up. This is bringing out a whole lot of grumpy old fart stuff. Lemme jump in my short and share some rap with the world. Good piece fellow old guy!
There’s a great line from The Office where Ryan the temp is being given the are-you-good-enough-for-our-daughter interview by his girlfriend Kelly’s highly traditional parents. He talks about how he’s working hard and saving up.
Kelly’s mother: Oh, for a house.
Ryan: Yeah. Or an Xbox.
The look on their faces is priceless.
Public Enemy remains as one of the best live shows that I’ve ever seen. After that night, my heart will never again believe the hype.
Is X Box the generation separator?
I’m glad you wrote this… I turn another year older in two weeks and I’ve been thinking a lot about getting older. It’s stupid, but it doesn’t matter what age you are - turning older means a change, and change is hard to face.
I’ve become scarily calm and sensible in the past year. It’s weird, because that’s just not who I consider myself to be. I mean, who thinks of themselves as a CS case waiting to happen? No one. You say, “It’ll happen to everyone but me…” Indeed, I thought I was the one person who wouldn’t become a little more sensible.
I mean, I still enjoy getting in trouble from time to time, but those times are fewer and father between. I wonder when CS will find me…
And yes, I shared your notion that CS was brought about by the loss of ability to score with hot chicks (or VN’s - Visually Nang (’Nang’ meaning awesome in Pakistani-Glaswegian youth dialect))… I wonder if that’s the case. Personally, I’ve always been more interested in girls a few years older than me.
Scientists are rapidly trying for a cure to CS. I think I have a lot of crankiness from old legal problems but the rots are many. I look forward to growing older tho, I saw Mitch Ryder awhile back and thought, ‘that’s how I want to be when I’m his age.’ Then, like Burroughs, I’ll simply drop over dead one day!
I’m mostly worried by the rate that C.S. encroaches upon me… I’m still young in years, but I believe me C.S. factor is set about twenty years too high. When I’m sixty I’ll probably be one of those crazy old geezers who beats kids on the street with a stick.
Also, I hate Lil Wayne.
God, I remember the days before cell phones. Bliss.
I get nostalgic when I get a letter in the post. Isn’t that weird? What amazes me is how quickly we adapt. I remember getting our first computer, our first push button phone, our first remote control. These were exciting days and I’m still a little bit amazed when I see little kids handling these devices with no thought required.
I catch myself turning into a cranky old fart quite often and it does worry me. The only problem is that trying to be ‘hip’ can make you seem more of an old fart than not trying.
Can’t win for trying I guess…
What I find weird is that I remember days before cell phones, computers and e-mails. I remember only having five tv channels.
I’m convinced this is why I’m isolated from the rest of my generation— I remember all that and I fucking miss it. It wasn’t until college (high school) that I had to use computers reguarly.
I hate watching all these kids playing around with fancy gadgets I barely understand. I hate that whenever anything remotely interesting happens people’s automatic reaction is ‘ooh, we should take pictures for Facebook!’
people want me to get ‘Skype’ now. what the fuck is ’skype’?!
What really makes me cranky is that I have a cell phone now, tho I was a hold out for awhile. I succumbed!
Promise you’ll never text.
Text?
LOL (that’s textspeak for “laugh out loud”)
I hope we don’t all end up with brain cancer. That would really make me cranky.
You’re a lovable cranky old fart.
Thanks Brin, I’m making you an honorary fart.
I agree with Brin, very lovable.
This is such a great post, and I have to say, I too, am a cranky old fart in many aspects. I have no idea who Lil Wayne is. I’m kind of out of it, like that.
Thanks for making me laugh first thing on a Saturday.
Thanks Megan, I’m getting all the cranks out of the closet.
David,
I’m a cranky old fart too.
We are legion.
Strength in unity!
Somewhere I have a paper I wrote about
Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop” and
Ecclesiastical themes.
I refer to the Greek.
The gist was that this generation has been called the first
that are more afraid to live than die
and I think it is reflected in the music and culture
and choices and a certain nihilism
and belief that one had better grab
all one can get today because
there may not be a tomorrow.
Of course its a shallow ,unbalanced and naive
grasping - mostly concerned with loveless faceless sex
chemical mood enhancement and vicarious violence and thrill (XBox)
but still, in that fatalistic view Lil’ Wayne is more
than capable of being an icon.
He’s goofy and weird and trippy
and nerdy and cool
and the perfect antidote to
hip-hop’s history of taking themselves
far too seriously.
When 50 Cent tried to ride some of Wayne’s momentum
by starting beef Wayne replied
“Fitty, that nigga too big to fight. Sides’ I aint bout
that. I’m bout these girls.”
Brilliant.
Emptiness, Emptiness!
Eat Drink and be merry
for tomorrow we die
Oh man, that comment was too long.
Sorry.
Feel free to cut that.
I should have just made a reply post!
That was great, I loved it. Never too long. You’ve given me much to think about.
David, great post. Reminds me of this quote from Mencken, in which he says that men are at their best in their forties: “In their fifties they start to decline, but in the forties they are at the maximum of their villainy.”
Irwin and Benton are two of the youngest dudes on here, and I just realized now that, biology be damned, they are both grumpy old men (which is probably why I like them).
I recommend reading a book called The Portable Curmudgeon, an excellent bathroom book of cranky old man quotes, such as this:
“One of the great joys unknown to the young is that of Not Going.” - J.B. Priestly
G
As Richard Pryor said, “You don’t get old bein’ no fool.”
Amen.
I need a new bathroom book, been reading Pound’s ABC of Reading which makes you feel illiterate and stupid. Pound was another cranky old fart, unfortunately he became a fascist fart of a crank but had his moments. Thanks Greg, looking forward to Killer.
I think Pound later blamed insanity for his fascist phase. He was institutionalized for a period.
Oh, and our own Nick Beldares has recently written a bathroom book, once you’ve worn out The Portable Curmudgeon. A friend owned the latter, and I had great fun turning through it.
Nobody will ever collect and publish the sayings of OSU football recruits, to state the obvious.
It’s been really interesting to see people go from regular mail to Twitter. But it’s also really horrifying.
I’m disgusted by a lot of things that go with online communication, yet when it increases awareness about things like what’s happening in Iran, I can’t help cheering.
XBox? I still have an original Nintendo. But then, I broke down and bought a Playstation II because LEGO Star Wars was available on that platform (two things I grew up with–pre-Star Wars life is something I can’t comprehend at all). And then I got a $250 gift certificate to Best Buy (for blogging, of all things), and not knowing what to buy, I got a Wii. This may all sound like gibberish, but it may make you feel better to know that it IS gibberish. Goo-goo-gah-gah, XBox 360 Lil Wayne Hannah Montana Idaho. Tomato.
In the future, all words will be one syllable. Or less.
When I interned at Playgirl, it seemed to me that all the male models were the same. Under “hobbies” was, inevitably, “working out.” Working out? Is that even a hobby? And the amount of times I saw “N/A” under the category “favorite books”… Too many to count.
One need not be fifty to be an old crank, apparently. But you manage it with much much charm.
I’m late in commenting, obviously. Out of town, etc.
I was about to say that crankiness has nothing to do with age, but Marni has beaten me to it. Even as a kid, I was usually the odd man out in matters of taste. People look far too much to conventional barometers — age, gender, nationality, etc. — in accounting for character.
Only now do I read through some of the other comments and see that James Irwin, who just turned twenty, sounds a kindred spirit. The world has more than enough people in agreement and can use a few more curmudgeons — and by that I don’t mean trolls. Them we’ve got in multitudes.
I don’t think I was cranky in this manner when I was younger. I am demanding of the younger generation, why I don’t know. I am demanding of everyone I guess. I want people to explore beyond the best seller list I guess. But I don’t think I am a troll. Haven’t gotten that far yet. Hope your car is fixed.
Yes, that’s it exactly, its a Play Mate mentality! You hit it on the head. Turn offs? Rude people.
Favorite food? Cheese cake! Thanks for the nice comment tho I dpn’t know how chraming I am. It’s nice to think so however.
Hi Dave,
There is indeed a medical cure for CS. Its called marijuana.
I can remember you and me getting high and enjoying the ridiculous boastings of Dr Dre.
Young kids seeming too different? Smoke some marijuana with them (beware of corrupting minors, etc.). Cross-generational friendships thrive on pot.
Oh…and don’t smoke 60’s weed. Be modern and smoke 2009 weed.
The biggest problem with smoking weed to get rid of crankiness is that you start getting all pissed off about weed being illegal and then you become a Legalisation Crank (been there…done that).
Is Crank a drug reference, or is that just me?
Piet
What kind of drug addled expatriate are you Piet de Best? You should give up all those fine Dutch drugs and find Jesus. He sells a really fine brand of Chronic, I hear. But anyway, I’ve known more than my share of cranky pot heads, they always fight over the Oreos. So nice try, there is no cure for CS, not sex, not pot, maybe some Dilaudid and Absinthe but not much else. Thanks for trying.