BIRMINGHAM, AL -

Right. So I’m enjoying a leisurely breakfast the other morning, tapping away at a new column for Gonzo Politico over a bowl of New and Improved Old World Corn Gruel, when this god-awful beeping sound nearly caused me to dump steaming hot gruel in my lap (And, you don’t have to be Einstein to figure out that: Gruel + Groin = Unbridled Obscenity).

You know the beeping sound I’m talking about. The one that indicates the backward locomotion of a freight carrying vehicle. Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Upon further investigation, I was actually rather excited to discover the vehicle in question backing into my own driveway. I couldn’t recall having purchased any oversized consumer goods lately, so I thought maybe a large and very generous gift was aboard this vessel. A pinball machine? A trampoline? A Nordic Track home fitness system? A dune buggy? A giant chocolate Jesus sculpture?

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

And hello GRUEL WORLD!!!

That’s right, call me a sell out, but I’ve once again succumbed to the siren song of corporate monies. First it was the Jumex Corporation, along with the Obtuse Angle Corporation, and now ladies and gentlemen, I’m pleased to announce my unquestioning servitude to:

Have you tried this stuff yet? Talk about stick-to-your-ribs goodness for the whole family!

The old Old World Corn Gruel is really good, don’t get me wrong, but the new and improved Old World Corn Gruel is, well, out of this world! See, the R and D geniuses at the Old World Corn Gruel Corporation were obviously in a pickle — because how do you improve upon perfection, right — but then, after what I hear was over three months of round-the-clock tinkering, they did it!

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

This is kinda how I’ve felt for a while now, regarding a whole slew — yes, one entire slew! — of unfinished and otherwise aborted TNB posts.

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

This is something I’ve been wanting to talk about for a long time. Before the Steve Dupont Corporation’s Backlog Dept. was even created. Heck, before the Steve Dupont Corporation was even created.

What you’re looking at below is an instruction manual page for my Olympus OM-G 35 mm camera. I received this camera as a gift from my dad when I was a youngster, maybe 13 or 14. An Internet search led me to a site called Camerapedia.org, which lists the OM-G as having been deployed by the Olympus Corporation in 1983.

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

First, let me make one thing clear. I don’t purport to know at what time THE END will come, or in what manner — for either myself or the human race. For your sake, let’s hope they come in this order …

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

1) Dawson: “Like baby nipples? On the bottles? Show me nipple soaking and washing!”

[ERRRRNT!]

2) Dawson: “Nut soaking and nut butter … really? Nut soaking and nut butter? Okay. Survey says!”

[EEEERNT!]

3) Dawson: “This hot pink mama says Cocker. Give her Cocker!”

[PING!]

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

He says the key to getting readers is being reliable. Giving them what they want and expect from TNB, on a regular basis, consistently and without fail.

Therein lies the problem. I just can’t do that I don’t think.

I’m very reliable in a lot of ways, but maintaining a blog has never been one of them. Which is nice about TNB, because the other contributors can pick up the slack … insofar as the contributions.

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

See, I haven’t had much “free time” lately, which is why my TNB participation dropped to zero a few months back — just to nothing, overnight, and lasting many a fortnight.

Well, I finished this HUGE GIGANTIC project I was working on — The Penske File, basically.

Better yet, I finished the project last Friday, so when I woke up Monday morning, I was officially hostage to my own free time. I could do anything I wanted, as long as I used my own time. And so I read the newspaper.

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

Cocker! Right? Cocker! You with me?

Felt like I needed a quick-hitter to get me back in the realm of The Communicato, as opposed to The Incommunicato. Or, if you prefer, The Saddle of the Talking Horse (rough translation from Latin).

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

So I go to the farmer’s market this morning and get a big ‘ole basket of Chilton County, Alabama peaches. If you can find a sweeter, juicier more pleasurable peach to eat, well, congratulations.

That’s one peach of a peach you’ve got there.

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

The “lived to tell about it” part is kind of obvious, I guess. Just so you know it’s not being told, dare I say, from …

BEYOND THE GRAVE!

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

I’m going to blog about some stuff. Dudes!

Like, current events and stuff.

Seriously, I’m going to –

‘blog” about current “news items” of the day and whatnot, and deliver my analysis to YOU, the NervousBreakdown dotcom reader, within just a day or two. Three days max (business days).

Don’t make me remind you about Rome, and the Romans and what have you. The overall painstakingness and time-intensiveness of things.

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

You Can Get Some Stuff Out of the Blasted Notebook and Off to the Safe Confines of a Hong Kong SuperServer? Izzen Tit!?

Good band name maybe in Eastern Europe. Or Kansas.

Izzen Tit! With an exclamation mark. “We ARE Izzen Tit!” the lead singer would trumpet.

Yeah, just Eastern Europe and Kansas, pretty much …

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

And this guy, Bugman (BUG-min) … let’s say, Morris Bugman, this guy knows from the time he’s only two or three years old that he wants to be an exterminator. When he grows older and fulfills that desire - that destiny, as he sees it - I imagine Bugman might look something like this:

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BIRMINGHAM, AL -

I took yesterday off. Thursday. For business purposes, actually, as I had two meetings with potential freelance clients. A bank in the morning and a personal training facility in the afternoon. Two very different
meetings.

One in a corporate boardroom, well appointed with oak and brass. And then one in which I sat, as one might expect, in a seating area, but not a “waiting room” or “lounge” so much as two chairs and a table, upon which sat a display case holding at least four varieties of brochure I hadn’t seen before (I just thought they had the one brochure, from what I gathered on my first visit). Nevertheless …

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BIRMINGHAM, AL-

A bunch of, like three, four, dudes just swept through
the office with a giant cart.

“Computers!” they shouted. “Shut ‘em down!”

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BIRMINGHAM, AL-

Emphasis on IS.

As in, I’m surprised that I find it so funny.

And, yes, I do hate myself for it.

Which is clearly why I can’t get it out of my head, hating myself being a sort of comfort zone, for those times when I’m sick of loving myself.

My head - not so clear, by the way.

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BIRMINGHAM, AL-

You know what? Forget that “won me” stuff - I WILLED me a lectern, people!

Can you feel it?

The Power of my Will?

You need to declare power of attorney for a living will to be enforced, by the way. A little free legal advice for ya. From someone who doesn’t even play a lawyer on TV.

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BIRMINGHAM, AL-

Circle. Square. Rectangle. Triangle. Oval.

I drew these myself in less than five minutes, total!

And here’s the kicker — I’m only 33 years old!

Now, you’re probably thinking one of a couple things:

1) This guy is more full of shit than a Port-o-Let at the Nebraska State Fair (Nebraskans shit a lot)

2) Richy Rich over here probably went to some fancy-shmancy art school like they advertise on TV

3) If he’s 33, I’m entertainment legend Jerry Lewis.

Well folks, I’m afraid to say you’re mistaken on all counts - assuming you’re not entertainment legend Jerry Lewis.

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