Saturday, April 29, 2017
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We don’t need no thought control

Suzanne Burns Archive

Suzanne Burns

Candy is Dandy or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Sugar

February 13th, 2009
by Suzanne Burns

BEND, OR.-

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, I am sitting here with a frown stretching the corners of my mouth, realizing that I have an inherent distrust of people, especially women, who shun sugar. Those who know me know my obsession with baked goods. And no, I am not sedentary. I love to workout just as much as I love to eat M&M’s. I am not lonely, fat or “unstable” unless you count my weekly reading of The National Enquirer, my weekly viewing of VH1’s Sober House (Did Shifty really go into cardiac arrest, and who knew Andy Dick was actually a sensitive and thoughtful man?) and my illicit trips to Wal-Mart to buy laundry soap and light bulbs. What I want to know is when sugar became taboo.

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Suzanne Burns

Farewell Bend, Welcome Back

February 10th, 2009
by Suzanne Burns

BEND, OR.-

Big towns are all alike; every small town is small in its own way.

In 1980, Bend, Oregon, was a town large enough for two Albertson’s grocery stores but small enough to host the annual cow chip bingo at Vince Genna stadium. Big enough for two high schools but small enough for one fine-dining restaurant, the Beef and Brew, locally famous for the individual loaves of bread delivered to each table on polished cutting boards.

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Suzanne Burns

Bunco: Something Close to the American Dream

January 24th, 2009
by Suzanne Burns

BEND, OR.-

Last December I found myself the substitute player at a Bunco party where every one of the thirteen women was a former high school cheerleader. Me, the person who skipped any high school assembly remotely promoting “spirit” to drink coffee at Denny’s, the classic dichotomy of us vs. them, the jocks vs. the Goths, intense as gang warfare. When I received the invitation, a cheery call from my sister-in-law, a twinge of post-angst nostalgia ground beneath my thirty-five-year-old bones. Through familial obligation and social politeness, I was coerced to befriend the enemy.

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