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Jonathan Evison Archive

Jonathan Evison

A Thousand Words: And You Wonder Where I Learned How to Party?

July 23rd, 2009
by Jonathan Evison

SEATTLE, WA-

These are my grandparents, Grandma Sweetie and Papa Owen, standing on their porch in Inglewood, not eight blocks from the Forum, where they lived for thirty-odd years. Allegedly, a white picket fence once stood in front of the house. But as far back as I can remember, the white picket fence just sort of laid there. And it wasn’t white. For the last ten years or so, their house had no front door. Don’t ask me why. Just a screen. No lock. This is Inglewood we’re talking about! But nobody ever gave Sweetie and Owen trouble, and I’m pretty sure that had nothing to do with the fact that Papa Owen looked like a juice man for Santa’s mafia.

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Jonathan Evison

I’m No Travel Writer, but the Galapagos Were Cool Part 2

February 5th, 2009
by Jonathan Evison

SEATTLE, WA-

Part Two: Clusterfuck In Quito; JE In Ecuador

I am inspired by Ecuadorian inefficiency. The average Ecuadorian citizen spends roughly forty percent of his life standing in line. If I went into the postcard business, and I was going to design a postcard for Ecuador, it would be a bunch of poor schlubs standing in line at the Mega-Maxi. And maybe a couple rich people cutting in front of them. And grocery carts stacking up everywhere.

We went to a Christmas Eve banquet in Quito with Lauren’s folks. Pretty nice spread—one that got cold awfully quick when the priest dumped his motorbike getting to the hotel. The little dude arrived a half-hour late, sweating profusely, though otherwise intact, and wrestled his robe thingy over his head. He began placing all his sacrosanct goodies about—his bible, his candles, his music stand, his ghetto blaster. We were looking at forty-five minutes time he got to praying.

And praying.

And  praying. (more…)


Jonathan Evison

I’m No Travel Writer, but the Galapagos Were Cool

January 26th, 2009
by Jonathan Evison

SEATTLE, WA-

Part One: The archipelago.

I’ve decided I wanna come back as a Galapagos sea lion. Seriously. They’re livin’ the dream. Bountiful food, no predators, plenty of companionship. They loll around in the sand most of the day lounging all over each other, waddle around looking for shade, or a good meaty ass to rest their head on, do a little fishing now and again, take an occasional dip just for the hell of it—seriously, they’ve got it dialed in. They are truly joyful creatures to watch. The bulls are a little surly at times, and downright scary when you get too close to them in the water,  but the mothers and the babies are nothing less than playful when you swim with them—and they’re amazing swimmers, too, totally graceful and athletic. The penguins are amazing swimmers, too,  kinda sprite-like in their quickness, now-you-see-them-now-you don’t. Manta Rays freak my ass out. It’s like somebody ran over a shark with a steamroller then mated it with a flying saucer. (more…)


Jonathan Evison

Accepting the Charges; How I Almost Became a Father and Other Near Misses

May 30th, 2007
by Jonathan Evison

PUGET SOUND, WA-

Parthenon

 

Writing caregiving essays recently, has put me in the mind of my first marriage, and its disastrous conclusion (recall the surfing Buddhist who happened to be my best friend), which in turn got me to thinking about its disastrous beginnings, which got me to wondering how we ever made it six years in the first place. 

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Jonathan Evison

A Brief But Heartfelt Tribute to My Mother (Okay, Your Mother, too) from a Shameless Mama’s Boy

May 10th, 2007
by Jonathan Evison

PUGET SOUND, WA-

Donnareed

As I was saying, I’ve been catching flashes of you today, curlers in hair, pushing that ancient lawn mower over our ancestral land (an acre of swamp), when there was nobody else to do it, so that I might muddy myself in it–playing football, groping neighbor girls, and whatnot. I’ve been catching sour whiffs of your dreaded stuffed bellpeppers today, your inedible spaghetti sauce—oh, and that other gruel, the one with the lima beans—and it actually smells good all these years later. Okay, better, it smells better.

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Jonathan Evison

How I Became Walt Disney and Why Librarians Cringe When They See Me Coming

April 26th, 2007
by Jonathan Evison

PUGET SOUND, WA-

Wd

 

There’s a certain way you talk to Georgie if you want results, and by results, I mean cooperation, I mean if you want to avoid a black eye, or if you don’t want him fleeing out the basement window when your back is turned, or biting your thumb off at the knuckle, or throwing one of his celebrated fits in the pizza aisle of QFC, or pushing you through a sliding glass door.

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Jonathan Evison

The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving (Everything You Need to Know to make $8.34 an Hour)

April 3rd, 2007
by Jonathan Evison

PUGET SOUND, WA-

If I’m going to be honest with myself, financial necessity delivered me to my present occupation as a
caregiver more than any humanitarian impulse. I was broke when duty called me to minister those less fortunate than myself, so maybe I’m no Florence Nightingale.

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Jonathan Evison

My Family is Weirder Than Your Family– TRUST ME . . . (and I Swear I’m Not Making This Shit Up)

March 13th, 2007
by Jonathan Evison

PUGET SOUND, WA-

My_old_man

My old man in a nut shell: he’s too proud to wear a hearing-aid, yet he has no qualms whatsoever about donning a Donald Duck visor with two squares of cardboard fastened behind his ears, and strolling down Viking Way on his afternoon errands.

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