SANTA MONICA–
The following video documents an experience I had with a new health product containing lemur semen. If you, like me, sometimes question all the crazy things people do in the name of health, I invite you to watch.
Please visit here before reading on… (more…)
SANTA MONICA, CA–
While walking around in Santa Monica the other morning, I saw a “Missing Pet” sign on the Whole Foods bulletin board. I walked closer, expecting to see an image of a missing Shih Tsu or possibly a labradoodle. Surprisingly, it was not a cat or a dog but rather a gerbil that went missing. The sign read as follows:
MISSING GERBIL
His name is Bruce but he responds to Xiaoping
Characteristics: great teeth, pretty brown coat, singed tail
Please call me if you find him. Reward $17.90
I know what you must be thinking, and I agree. I freakin’ ran home and called the number! Not because I found the gerbil but because I was curious as to what kind of person would post such a sign! (more…)
SANTA MONICA–
“Those that mind don’t matter. And those that matter don’t mind.” –Dr. Seuss
She was walking out of Nordstrom and I was walking out of Hooters when I ran into her a few weeks back. Krey Zbitch, a woman I’d known since 6th Grade, had gotten a hold of me on Facebook thus sparking an odd resurgence in our friendship.
“David it’s so great to see you,” she said. “Why don’t you come over for dinner next week? I’m having the same crew. But please don’t bring that loser friend you brought last time.” She winked.
Then she smiled and walked away, not knowing that ‘loser friend’ is my favorite cousin from Florida. You just never knew what was gonna come out of her mouth. (more…)
SANTA MONICA-
I’m often asked about my p—s. There’s seems to be so much curiosity so I’d like to share some details.
1. My p—s seems small but actually feels quite big when inside.
2. People ask if I need to plug my p—s into a socket to get a charge but what’s so cool is that it charges itself.
3. My p—s doesn’t move that fast but does it really need to?
4. What’s so great about my p—s is that I hit the pump only once a week…if you know what I mean. (more…)
SANTA MONICA–
“You will begin to touch heaven in the moment that you touch perfect speed. And that isn’t flying a thousand miles an hour, or a million, or flying at the speed of light. Because any number is a limit, and perfection doesn’t have limits. Perfect speed is being there.” Richard Bach
It was late at night and I sat in bed, bleary eyed and checking out a few text messages.
One lady, Rainie Liu, wrote, “I’m excited to see you tomorrow at your workshop. I’m bringing a whole bunch of my friends.”
I replied with a text, “Awesome Rainie! Can’t wait to see you and your posse.”
My cell phone has an “auto-correct” feature which I soon discovered doubles as a dirty old man. The phone changed the word “posse” to “ pussy.” In other words, Rainie was about to read: “Awesome Rainie! Cant wait to see you and your pussy.” (more…)
SANTA MONICA, CA
Many years ago before I became a yoga teacher, I was lucky enough to enjoy dinner with one of the great American yoga gurus. I asked where he finds inspiration, because of course, I wanted to know who was guru to the guru. He told me the inspiration comes from silent meditation retreats otherwise known as Vipassana. Wow I thought. This guru goes straight to the Source for inspiration. Bad ass. So I looked into this Vipassana to see if I might be able to use any of my Starwood points. After realizing the rustic nature of the silent meditation experience, I hesitated but then recognized that if I was truly going to become a yoga teacher, I needed to follow in the footsteps of the gurus.
So I drove 6 hours to the Yosemite region for a weekend silent meditation retreat for beginners. I must admit I was nervous. And rightfully so. The days consisted of 3 hours of meditation, 1 hour of breakfast, 3 more hours of meditation, 1 hour of lunch, 3 hours of meditation, 30 minutes to walk around, 3 hours more of meditation, dinner and sleep. I thought I was doing great until halfway thru the weekend. I was suddenly asked to leave when the management found a half-empty bottle of muscle relaxers in my dobb kit. (more…)
SANTA MONICA, CA–
We all have crushes. Sometimes they are innocent…like when you’re in 3rd Grade. And sometimes they are not as innocent…like when you’re married and lust for another. Can you relate?
There’s a chapter in my book (which launched today-hip hip hooray!) sharing a fool-proof way to determine if the other person reciprocates your crush. The following video is based on that chapter and teaches how to decipher the body language of a hug. (more…)
SANTA MONICA, CA-
You are about to view a video. Let me set the scene. It was June 1985. My Little League team made it all the way to the championship game. I was a mediocre hitter and figured to buckle under the pressure of the big game. But as you are about to see, the Gods smiled down upon me and I hit not one, but two runs in the big game. Over the past 24 years, I’ve shared this highlight with countless friends, colleagues, and many first dates. And all too often, after watching this video, someone will say, “It’s great…but what’s with the limp fives?”
SANTA MONICA, CA-
“My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.” Rodney Dangerfield
I had finished teaching a yoga class at a studio in a somewhat remote area on the East Coast. One student named Anasoli sat with me afterwards chatting about exotic chocolate, medicinal marijuana, the Grateful Dead, and various topics commonly discussed among hippies.
As we wound down the conversation, Anasoli said, “Well my husband and child just pulled up outside.”
But she wasn’t going anywhere.
Her little boy ran into the studio screaming, “Mamma, mamma! I’m thirsty.”
Anasoli said to me, “Larbird needs to drink before we hit the road.”
The boy lifted up her shirt and began to suck on his mommy’s teet. Ordinarily, I would think nothing of it. But this boy wore a Boston Celtics jersey with “Garnett” on the back, and had oddly defined calf muscles. Point being, he was quite old to be breastfeeding. (more…)
SANTA MONICA, CA-
Lately I’ve been jogging to increase my cardiovascular strength and decrease my girth for the upcoming book tour. The little earbud headphones don’t stay in my ears so I jog with the Bose Noise Reducing headphones. Yes they are a bit awkward and I’ve been told that jogging with them gives me a striking resemblance to Warren from the movie There’s Something about Mary (see above photo). One thing that’s unclear…when jogging on roads and coming to a red light, do you stop and let your heart rate decline…or do you jog in place and keep it going?
A few days ago, I was jogging along my usual path down Montana Avenue to Ocean Avenue. I stopped at a red light and began to jog in place. A car of high school kids pulled up at the light next to me. Due to my headphones, I couldn’t hear them, but I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the kids were speaking to me. Maybe they needed directions? Or maybe they wanted to know if I enjoyed my Bose Noise Reducing Headphones?
While removing the headphones, I heard one of the high school kids in mid-sentence saying, “…loser ever!”
“Excuse me I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you!?” I screamed, out of breath and still jogging in place.
“I said you’re the biggest loser ever!” the high school kid screamed again. (more…)
SANTA MONICA, CA-
“The road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom; for we never know what is enough until we know what is more than enough.” –William Blake
After having been flown to NYC to teach a Yoga + Chocolate workshop at an international PR event, I attended the ensuing party on the top floor of a skyscraper. It was ultra-glam and I was feeling pretty darned good about myself. Grabbing another fancy hors d’oeuvre that slid gallantly across my palette, and sipping on a fine cocktail, I found myself surrounded by very “fabulous” types. I ended up spending the better part of the evening hob-nobbing with the following:
Rita, an architect from Spain who was quite conservative in her button down. Already a bit tipsy, Rita told me in broken English, “I had sex with my yoga teacher once. He has a grande dong so you tell me that you es professor de yoga and I see you with grande dong. No?”
“Oh how wonderful,” I replied. What else was I supposed to say to her. (more…)
SANTA MONICA, CA-
“Is there a ninja in your pants? Cause your ass is kickin!” -Super Cheeseball
In 9th Grade, I decided to start lifting weights. The idea being that if I could cultivate some biceps, maybe it would balance out the zits on my face and enhance my appeal to the opposite sex. So I joined the Nautilus Plus gym in the Town & Country mall in Encino, California. Not bothering to get a trainer, I’d show up and do curls with the barbells. That’s all I’d do. Just curls. Oh yeah, I’d also stare at the most gorgeous girl I’d ever seen, Andrea Sarrity, a lovely blond in 10th Grade at Birmingham High School in Tarzana.
I’d go to the gym almost everyday and do curls while staring at Andrea on the stationary bike, Andrea on the nautilus machine, Andrea talking to the trainer, Andrea getting a drink of water, Andrea in aerobics, Andrea doing sit-ups, Andrea laughing, Andrea breathing. (more…)
SANTA MONICA, CA-
“Health is the intuitive art of wooing nature.” W.H. Auden
A trip to a Whole Foods market is always a pleasant adventure if not an education in wellness. From the delicious olives to the fine wines and exotic cheeses to the organic goat milk ice cream, who doesn’t love Whole Foods?! Needless to say, the samples are always my highlight. A few months ago, I was venturing through the aisles when I came across a sampling of an odd product called Ghizz.
“Interesting,” I said. “Is it organic?”
“Does a bear poop in the woods? Is the Pope Catholic? Is your yoga teacher insane?” the Ghizz employee quickly replied. “Try some.”
