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Bryan Richards Archive

Bryan Richards

A Thousand Words: One Fat Baby

August 31st, 2009
by Bryan Richards

SEATTLE, WA -

I was a fat baby.

My mom loves to remind me of this fact. I was so large that strangers used to ask why this toddler of hers was having such a hard time sitting up on his own. It pained my mother to have to tell them that this toddler was actually a six-month-old baby, barely old enough to digest solid food.

Apparently, not only was I something closely resembling a small hippo as a baby, I was also riddled with terrible skin; acne so bad that she had to keep a hanky on hand to collect the ooze and scabs that would erupt throughout the day. She frequently recalls the many times that she would carry me home after a day of shopping or a long walk, crying in shame and anger at the fact that so many folks felt compelled to remind her of my minor deformities.

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Bryan Richards

Socialism is So Cool

May 19th, 2009
by Bryan Richards

SEATTLE, WA -

In Barcelona there are only a few things that really concern the local citizen. The first and probably most important concern is whether or not their beloved “Barça”, or FC Barcelona, will prevail in the next match. In Barcelona, fútbol (football/soccer) is king. The entire city, minus the tourist trap centers, shut down so that loyal Catalans can gather together to enjoy the beautiful game. It’s a weekly event in Barcelona and a wonderful tradition for an outsider to witness.

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Bryan Richards

And So We Turn to “Prophets” to Show Us the Way

December 30th, 2008
by Bryan Richards

SEATTLE, WA-

“These are tough economic times.”

We hear that phrase so often these days that we’re likely to dismiss it as altogether benign and inconsequential. Most in this country don’t read, watch or listen to the news anymore, but for those of us that do that phrase is so overused that we’ve begun to turn the page or change the channel anytime we hear it.

I mean, we don’t need to hear about this Recession, Economic Downturn, Market Correction – whatever it’s called – so often that it makes our ears ring and eyes bleed. Most of us need only look into our own bank accounts to know that there’s a fundamental problem with our economic system. But, the talking heads keep babbling on, scaring us all into a frenzy of (dare I say) responsible financial behavior.

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Bryan Richards

Call Me Naive, but I Honestly Think I detect a Movement

February 4th, 2008
by Bryan Richards

SEATTLE, WA-

Tomorrow’s a big day.

The whole country is buzzing about “Super Tuesday” and all of the possibilities that may ensue.

As a matter of fact, this primary season has actually garnished a lot of attention within popular mainstream culture; a first in my lifetime. (more…)


Bryan Richards

A Simple Hat to Make Me Proud

December 13th, 2007
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA-

I got a new hat the other day. 

I’m not at all a trendy guy, but I’ve seen this particular style make a comeback in recent months and I have to say I am extremely pleased by it.

So, I got one the other day and I haven’t taken it off since.

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Bryan Richards

Goodbye for the Last Time, Mr. Richards. Goodbye.

October 8th, 2007
by Bryan Richards

SEATTLE, WA-

This will be the last time I ever write about him.

For one, the memoir genre is beginning to become saturated and played-out. The last thing this blog-laden society needs right now is another memory from an obscure nobody. As if anyone else would care about the time I broke my wrist in the second grade, or the time when I choked on a penny and had to bare the brutal Heimlich maneuver handed out by my great-grandmother. (more…)


Bryan Richards

The Fourth Grade: The Awkwardness of it All

June 27th, 2007
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA

The fourth grade was such a powerfully awkward year for me.

It was the year that my mother first learned that I couldn’t see more than ten feet in front of me. I was forced to wear thick and wide wire-rimmed glasses. It was a heartbreaking and bank-breaking moment for my mother, a single woman raising two kids on her own. (more…)


Bryan Richards

An Open Letter to The Youth of the 1960’s: What the Hell Happened?

May 17th, 2007
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA-

I have a question for anyone who lived in the United States between 1960 and 1975.

What the hell happened?

How, after an era ripe with a sense of longing for social justice and a drive toward a new type of nation, could we have lost the nerve that had been so prevalent during the time?

Okay. That’s two questions. I know. (more…)


Bryan Richards

A Little Bit of Self-imposed Phlog Therapy: Onset Panic and The Fear of Failure

April 3rd, 2007
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA-

Panic

I hate panic. I detest anxiety.

Every now and then, anxiety will come upon me like a herd of elephants down an elevator shaft. It falls to my guts slowly but deliberately. And when I see it coming, there’s nothing that I can do to stop it. (more…)


Bryan Richards

Science has Found Another Way to Poop on Our Party and Why This Time We’d Be Better Off Actually Heeding Their Collective Wisdom

March 19th, 2007
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA-

It’s official.

We’ve wondered and daydreamed long enough. We can set aside our delusions and let it go.

Apparently some of the world’s most reputable physicists have gathered to declare that humans will never be able to travel back in time.

Damn it!

I guess it’s time for all of us to get our shit together, people. (more…)


Bryan Richards

The Joy of Knowing that I Have Not Yet Destroyed the Possibility of a Happy Life for My Daughter

February 17th, 2007
by Bryan Richards

SEATTLE, WA-

I am the father of a seven year old little girl.

As would any rational parent, I believe - without a doubt - that my daughter is by far the most beautiful, smartest and most lovable child to have ever inhabited this undeserving earth.

And who could deny me my pride?

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Bryan Richards

Immature Boys Do Foolish Things and Always Grow To Regret Them

January 27th, 2007
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA-

They say that broken bones can heal themselves to become stronger than they ever were before. People claim that this is especially true for children, as their developing bodies will refuse to let a little fracture impede their growth.

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Bryan Richards

The Memory of a Cold Ohio Winter Makes Me Wish I Had Smoked the Joint

January 4th, 2007
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA-

I haven’t seen the man in over ten years. I haven’t spoken to him in nearly four years.

Yet, I think of him every single day of my life.

There are few anecdotes that I care to share about my father. My memories of him are sparse and I have very rarely encountered anyone who wished to speak of him. He left when I was five, maybe six years old. My sister was three. My mother was twenty three.

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Bryan Richards

Given the Choice Between Nothing and Drinking with Frank Sinatra, I Choose the Latter

November 15th, 2006
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA-

I sometimes think about heaven and wonder if the place really exists.

I’d like to think that it does, of course.

Who wouldn’t?

Obviously, if there is no afterlife to look forward to then the only alternative would be to expect a complete, utter abyss filled with absolutely nothing. (more…)


Bryan Richards

The Panic of Turning Thirty Has Left Me Looking Back on My Life and Hitting Myself on the Head with a Large Hammer

November 7th, 2006
by Bryan Richards

SEATTLE, WA-

In twelve days I will be thirty years old. 

If the current life-expectancy projections stand, and if I don’t do anything stupid that would end my life sooner, I should keep ticking for another 47 years. I suppose that’s not so bad considering all the things that could happen over the course of that time. I’m sure that I have many eventful days ahead of me. (more…)


Bryan Richards

I Mean, It’s Not Like I MEANT to Leave the Toilet Seat Up

October 26th, 2006
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA-

We all make mistakes. 

At least that’s how the saying goes.

Mistakes are just like defecation… You do it, I do it, celebrities do it, clergymen do it, and politicians do it more often than the rest.

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Bryan Richards

Erections, Baseball, Boobies and Jesus Are Enough to Make a 12-Year-Old Boy Wonder if Heaven Just Isn’t the Place for Him

October 19th, 2006
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA-

I hated the sixth grade. 

Twelve is perhaps the most ridiculously confusing age in a young boy’s life. It’s an age filled with erections, guilt, panic, paranoia, hair, sweat, baseball, girls, grades and uncertainty.

Come to think of it, that sounds a lot like twenty-nine. (more…)


Bryan Richards

Why My Atari 2600 Does Not Make Me Cool “In a Retro Sort of Way”

October 12th, 2006
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA-

I’ve never been good with video games.  

In fact, you could say that I have been an embarrassment to my generation when it comes to the art of gaming.

The better part of my high school and college years were predicated on the shame and ridicule that this ineptitude wrought. I just couldn’t get the hang of it.

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