PHILADELPHIA, PA-

I don’t watch Ultimate Fighting for the same reason I don’t watch replays of the planes hitting the towers.

I want to keep my innocence. 

The other day I was sent a video clip of two girls doing something extremely heinous. I didn’t click on it.

When I was younger, I wanted to lose my innocence as soon as possible. But now, I want to hang on to what little I have left.

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PHILADELPHIA, PA-

Recently I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in live local music shows: the infiltration of teen bands, organized and financed by the Paul Green School of Rock. If you’re not familiar with the “school of rock” (which members are quick to point out is different from the movie of the same title, but not different from the documentary Rock School, which is about the Paul Green School of Rock) it’s, well…pretty much just like the movie and the documentary. It’s parents paying money for their kids to pretend to be rock stars.

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NEW YORK CITY, WALL STREET-

Ladies and Gentlemen:

I think you all know why I called you down here, so I might as well address the elephant in the room right away. I wanted you to hear the news straight from the horse’s mouth, so you’re not walking around with your tail between your legs, wishing you were a fly on the wall for this meeting. As you know, we’ve been experiencing a bear market, which has thrown a monkey wrench into the lion’s share of our profits.

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PHILADELPHIA, PA-

What is scary? Fear interests me because it’s probably the emotion I experience the least. I laugh a lot, sure. Get bummed out. Nervous. Anxious. Giddy. Bored. But rarely scared. I rarely get truly, deeply scared.

A couple of movies freaked me out. But only a couple. Five, to be exact.

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PHILADELPHIA, PA-

…she never learned how to walk on a leash,

or how to speak-

never stopped begging.

But she could give you her paw, 

and she could sit. With or without command.

The end came quickly. Stopped eating. Vet said massive kidney failure.

All over in a week. (more…)

PHILADELPHIA, PA-

The drunk post is feeling overwhelming nostalgic about nothing at all.

It’s about waking up the next morning and wondering what the hell you’ve typed.

It’s about watching Youtube concerts that you saw when you were younger, and remembering yourself in the crowd.

It’s about watching Dead Milkmen clips and longing for Philadelphia…while you live in Philadelphia.

It’s about beer stained blotches on your keypad.

It’s about being connected with everyone you’ve ever known…and not feeling connected. (more…)

PHILADELPHIA, PA-

The Wife and I just returned from a lovely trip to the Bahamas. And while I had fun, I’m always reminded of two things when I go to the Caribbean: 1.) Boy, it’s hot here. 2.) Man, the Jersey shore sucks compared to this.

I grew up going to New Jersey shore points, places like Ocean City, Avalon, and Wildwood. And I continue to take my family there to this day. I love the boardwalk, relish the brown water. But the Jersey shore has a major problem: overregulation. It’s too serious. Too many rules. No fun. I think it should look to the West Coast and abroad to find examples of how to actually have a good time on the beach…and I’m not talking paddle ball.

7 Ways to Improve the Beach: (more…)

PHILADELPHIA, PA-

Love can be flowers, or chocolates, or cards…but it’s not. Love is ripping an ice scraper over her windshield at 6:15 in the morning…when everything is dark as death and the car is crusted over like a tomb.

Yeah, that’s what love is.

PHILADELPHIA, PA-

We’d like to end tonight’s report with a sports story. But it may not be the sort of tale you’re used to hearing. It doesn’t involve touchdowns or home runs or multimillion dollar contracts. Rather, it’s a story about one brave boy with a big heart.

In many ways, Jim Feldman is a typical high school junior. He likes Batman, X-Box, and of course, girls. But there’s something else that makes Jim a special student here at Kennedy High School in northern Ohio.

Jim Feldman also likes bong hits. (more…)

PHILADELPHIA, PA-

John Updike did not influence my writing. The first time I read his sentences I thought: well…I can’t do that.  And I never tried. Updike, who died on Tuesday at the age of 76, was a writer to be admired, not imitated. His prose style was the literary equivalent of photorealism, and his deconstruction of suburban life revealed a witty sociologist with a deep understanding of human motivation.

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PHILADELPHIA, PA

As we enter the teeth of winter here on the East Coast, things can get a little bleak. Gray skies. Frozen ground. In the hopes of melting a little ice, I’ll post some haiku poems that I wrote last spring and summer. Enjoy.

after a long winter-

the grill ignites

on the first try

my daughter’s two favorite M&M colors

are yellow and brown-

and green (more…)

PHILADELPHIA, PA-

Recently, I joined 45 million other Americans and signed up for FACEBOOK. If you don’t know, FACEBOOK is an on-line community that allows users to reconnect with old friends and family members. And it works! In the past three days I’ve talked to an old high school buddy, a former co-worker, and an uncle that molested me in 6th grade. What a coincidence! Much like any community, there are a number of rules and etiquette suggestions that users should follow. If you’re new to FACEBOOK, or thinking of joining, you may want to read the following tips for getting started.

1.) Selecting a Photograph

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PHILADELPHIA, PA-

I hang out with two groups of friends. One group I’ll call Sports Guys. The other, Music Guys. Which one are you?

Here’s how it breaks now: Sports Guys like some music, but Music Guys rarely like sports. Music Guys enjoy going to concerts and shows. Sports Guys grow annoyed by the term “shows.” Sports Guys go to one “show” a year, and that’s when their wives or girlfriends demand that they’re treated to the obligatory Bon Jovi concert that occurs in late July. A Music Guy would kill himself at a Bon Jovi concert.

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PHILADELPHIA, PA-

During the spring of 2008 I was selected among thousands of nominees to participate in the Fulbright teacher exchange program. My destination: Zhuhai, China, where I would spend six months teaching English to Chinese teenagers. Two weeks before my planned departure I received a fascinating phone call. Due to the economic recession, the Fulbright program was being modified and my destination altered. Instead of Zhuhai, China, I would spend the next six months in Allentown, Pennsylvania. I chuckled at this twist of fate and continued joyously packing my bags, eager to embrace this new cultural experience!

As I write this, I have just returned to my hometown of Philadelphia after a wonderful and thought-provoking six months in Allentown. Below are dispatches from my tattered travel journal. Enjoy!

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PHILADELPHIA, PA-

You won’t read this because I’m not a hot chick. Let’s face it: anything is more interesting when written by a hot chick. To tell you the truth, if I didn’t write this blog, I wouldn’t read it myself. (Even as I type this sentence I’m wondering if The Office is a new episode.)

Blogs by hot chicks are just better because everybody wants to know what a hot chick is thinking. We want to get inside of their minds…borrow the keys to the Ferrari and it drive around for a while. (more…)

PHILADELPHIA, PA-

(I’m a high school English teacher. Here’s a parody of the freshman essay.)

Book Report: to kill A mockingBird

English 9-1     4th Period

      In this book report I will talk about the book to kill A mockingBird written by Harper lEE. Webster’s dictionary defines “about” as “Middle English~ reasonably close to.” And that is why this book is about racism. (Thesis statement.).

  Gregory Peck, played by Attic Finch in the movie, is a lawyer who defends black people and shoots a dog. He is a good man and doesn’t want any trouble and doesn’t want anyone to shoot mockingBirds (although, he is OK with shooting dogs.) Boo Radley (retarded?) never comes out of his house because he lives inside of his house at all times. Except when he saves Scout.

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Yes readers, it’s that time of year for The Nervous Breakdown’s annual HOT LIST. Looking back, 2008 was a strange year. We failed to foresee the rise of virginal boy bands (The Jonas Brothers), but we did nail our election pick (President Romney). We’re sure the upcoming year will prove to be an equally entertaining and sordid 12 months. Here’s what we think will be MEGA-HOT in 2009!

Hot Drug: Claritin

Hot Footwear: grip socks

Hot Color: beige

Hot Dating Trend: speed intercourse

Hot Bird: the ruffed grouse

Hot Hairstyle: thinning (more…)

GLENSIDE, PA-

My old roommate first pointed it out to me about seven years ago.

“Look!” he said, jabbing a finger at the TV screen. “There she is- WHEEL ASS!”

He took a tug from his Busch pounder and slammed it on the coffee table.

“See…the one on the left. WHEEL ASS!”

“Wheel ass?” I repeated. “What are you talking about?”

“You don’t know? Listen. Every Wheel of Fortune episode has one hot girl…or sort of hot girl on it. EVERY EPISODE! One hot contestant. It’s like written in the show’s contract or something.”

“Noooo,” I said. “No way! What about episodes with just three old ladies?”

“Never happens.”

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GLENSIDE, PA-

If you’ve never been to one of New Jersey’s fine beaches, I suggest throwing on any Springsteen album from the mid-80’s while reading this, and you’ll more or less get the vibe.

A few weeks ago I rented a house with my wife and two daughters in the gritty shore town of Wildwood, New Jersey.

Family vacation.

Americana.

We spent most mornings on the beach, and most evenings “walking the boards.” Wildwood’s boardwalk, the longest in New Jersey, is a mishmash of roller coasters, carnival barkers, bad tattoos, salt-water taffy, games of chance, loud tee-shirts, and hermit crabs.

And it turns out my two-year-old daughter NEEDS a hermit crab.

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PHILADELPHIA, PA-

I once wrote a letter to the late author Kurt Vonnegut. This was during college, and as I remember it, the letter was a long, rambling, Jack Kerouac rip-off, full of gusto and undergraduate angst.

Basically, it was embarrassing.

Vonnegut never wrote me back.

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