SEATTLE, WA-

1. There was this time I got some water out of the faucet, turned the faucet off, left the room, and then came back five minutes later and the faucet was on. I’d sure like to know what happened there.

(No one else in the house had been anywhere near the kitchen, and I distinctly remember turning that faucet off.)

2. I saw a light in the sky in New Mexico that I can’t explain. I was sleeping in a guest bedroom in pitch black darkness when all of a sudden it wasn’t dark anymore. (more…)

SEATTLE, WA-

This is a list of my most memorable moments from grade school, by year.

I stole this idea from Erika Rae, partially because it’s a good idea and she did it well, and also partially because I’m partial to lists. Lists are cool.

Kindergarten–My memory’s fuzzy. I think I read a lot of dinosaur books.

First Grade–I raced J_______ to be the first one to finish each assignment. Occasionally it came down to who could run to the teacher’s desk faster. I was a total nerd (and still am).

Second Grade–I cut my finger and blood was running everywhere, but I was too shy to ask for help. For a while, I hid it under my construction paper. Eventually, the teacher saw blood and took over. (more…)

SEATTLE, WA-

A few weeks ago I started a literary publication called SPAM Publishing.

Now I have to deal with submissions and the impossible challenge of deciding what to publish.

How do I get myself into these things?

(more…)

LONGMONT, CO-

I’m at the airport, confident. I’ve never had vertigo in a plane before, so I’m not worried about jumping out of one.

Besides, my dad is jumping, too, and I don’t want to wimp out on him. Mom is here, too, documenting the whole thing in photos, so if I wimp out, there will be photographic evidence of my cowardice. (more…)

SEATTLE, WA-

Let’s start with the Twitter advice for you, since the majority of you fit into that category. If you’re Johnny Depp or Mary Lynn Rajskub, you can skip to the relevant section.

Scenario: You are you. You’re on Twitter. If you’re totally lost, you can get the basics from Greg Olear, but whether or not you hit Olear’s brief survival guide, I’m going to tell you what Twitter is:

It’s a site where people type what they’re doing into the Internet and then nobody reads it because nobody cares.

(more…)

WU-FONG, TAIWAN-

I’m in a car, fearing for the lives of everyone around me (my life included). The rules that govern Taiwanese traffic are apparently more like guidelines, and this frightens me.

My girlfriend is driving. She swerves the car into the right lane. How did she know there weren’t any motorcycles approaching on the right? I have no idea. It’s too complicated for me to keep track of.

Pedestrians wander into the street like New Mexican stray cattle. How do drivers avoid hitting them? I have no idea. It’s total chaos.
(more…)

SEATTLE, WA-

A friend and I were walking to the Mecca for a drink. He’s had bad romantic luck lately, so we were talking about future prospects and whatnot.

He mentioned the reality of the situation: he will only date people much younger than him.

I was a little surprised.
(more…)

SEATTLE, WA-

It’s 6:02pm. I’m leaving work. At the building where I work, I have two options:

1. Take the shortest path by walking through part of the driveway.

2. Walk a longer path by sticking to the sidewalk.

I take the short path. And I can’t help wondering about the people who take the longer path.

It’s as if they feel obligated to obey the whims of a landscape architect they’ve never met.

(more…)

SEATTLE, WA-

I sit down at the bar, next to a friend.

He says, “Hey, what’s been going on?”

I take off my jacket. He waits. I take a moment.

Then I say, “Tell me: why do people always have to have stuff going on?”

He doesn’t say anything, so I keep going.

(more…)

SEATTLE, WA-

I’m having the Monday coffee with CP and SK. SK has only a dollar in cash and asks if I can get the rest of his drink.

“Sure,” I say. I pull out a twenty dollar bill. I don’t have anything smaller.

“I’m on the twenty dollar diet,” I say. “I only pay with twenties.” It’s supposed to be a joke but I have no idea where I’m going with it until I notice that CP also has a twenty out and ready.

“See? CP’s doing the same thing. It’s rough out there. We have to burn the small bills just to keep warm.”
(more…)

SEATTLE, WA-

An empty cargo boat is sitting in the Puget Sound with nothing to do.

I see as many as three of them at once sometimes from the window of my apartment.

Tonight, my girlfriend is going to cut my hair, which might be the reason the Northwest is in a recession.
(more…)