Saturday, April 29, 2017
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Aaron Dietz Archive

Aaron Dietz

7 Mysteries from My Life I’d Like Solved

October 18th, 2009
by Aaron Dietz

SEATTLE, WA-

1. There was this time I got some water out of the faucet, turned the faucet off, left the room, and then came back five minutes later and the faucet was on. I’d sure like to know what happened there.

(No one else in the house had been anywhere near the kitchen, and I distinctly remember turning that faucet off.)

2. I saw a light in the sky in New Mexico that I can’t explain. I was sleeping in a guest bedroom in pitch black darkness when all of a sudden it wasn’t dark anymore. (more…)


Aaron Dietz

Most Memorable Moments from Grade School

September 17th, 2009
by Aaron Dietz

SEATTLE, WA-

This is a list of my most memorable moments from grade school, by year.

I stole this idea from Erika Rae, partially because it’s a good idea and she did it well, and also partially because I’m partial to lists. Lists are cool.

Kindergarten–My memory’s fuzzy. I think I read a lot of dinosaur books.

First Grade–I raced J_______ to be the first one to finish each assignment. Occasionally it came down to who could run to the teacher’s desk faster. I was a total nerd (and still am).

Second Grade–I cut my finger and blood was running everywhere, but I was too shy to ask for help. For a while, I hid it under my construction paper. Eventually, the teacher saw blood and took over. (more…)


Aaron Dietz

I’ve Decided Not to Reject People

August 5th, 2009
by Aaron Dietz

SEATTLE, WA-

A few weeks ago I started a literary publication called SPAM Publishing.

Now I have to deal with submissions and the impossible challenge of deciding what to publish.

How do I get myself into these things?

(more…)


Aaron Dietz

A Thousand Words: I Have a Fear of Heights; I Went Skydiving Anyway

July 26th, 2009
by Aaron Dietz

LONGMONT, CO-

I’m at the airport, confident. I’ve never had vertigo in a plane before, so I’m not worried about jumping out of one.

Besides, my dad is jumping, too, and I don’t want to wimp out on him. Mom is here, too, documenting the whole thing in photos, so if I wimp out, there will be photographic evidence of my cowardice. (more…)


Aaron Dietz

Twitter Advice for Johnny Depp, Mary Lynn Rajskub, and You

June 24th, 2009
by Aaron Dietz

SEATTLE, WA-

Let’s start with the Twitter advice for you, since the majority of you fit into that category. If you’re Johnny Depp or Mary Lynn Rajskub, you can skip to the relevant section.

Scenario: You are you. You’re on Twitter. If you’re totally lost, you can get the basics from Greg Olear, but whether or not you hit Olear’s brief survival guide, I’m going to tell you what Twitter is:

It’s a site where people type what they’re doing into the Internet and then nobody reads it because nobody cares.

(more…)


Aaron Dietz

In Case of Death by Traffic, Tell My Mom I Love Taiwan

May 27th, 2009
by Aaron Dietz

WU-FONG, TAIWAN-

I’m in a car, fearing for the lives of everyone around me (my life included). The rules that govern Taiwanese traffic are apparently more like guidelines, and this frightens me.

My girlfriend is driving. She swerves the car into the right lane. How did she know there weren’t any motorcycles approaching on the right? I have no idea. It’s too complicated for me to keep track of.

Pedestrians wander into the street like New Mexican stray cattle. How do drivers avoid hitting them? I have no idea. It’s total chaos.
(more…)


Aaron Dietz

Actually, Youth isn’t that Big of a Turn-On

April 25th, 2009
by Aaron Dietz

SEATTLE, WA-

A friend and I were walking to the Mecca for a drink. He’s had bad romantic luck lately, so we were talking about future prospects and whatnot.

He mentioned the reality of the situation: he will only date people much younger than him.

I was a little surprised.
(more…)


Aaron Dietz

Diagonal Lines Are Your Friends

April 6th, 2009
by Aaron Dietz

SEATTLE, WA-

It’s 6:02pm. I’m leaving work. At the building where I work, I have two options:

1. Take the shortest path by walking through part of the driveway.

2. Walk a longer path by sticking to the sidewalk.

I take the short path. And I can’t help wondering about the people who take the longer path.

It’s as if they feel obligated to obey the whims of a landscape architect they’ve never met.

(more…)


Aaron Dietz

Why Does Everyone Always Have to Have Stuff Going On?

March 18th, 2009
by Aaron Dietz

SEATTLE, WA-

I sit down at the bar, next to a friend.

He says, “Hey, what’s been going on?”

I take off my jacket. He waits. I take a moment.

Then I say, “Tell me: why do people always have to have stuff going on?”

He doesn’t say anything, so I keep going.

(more…)


Aaron Dietz

Burning the Small Bills to Stay Warm

February 23rd, 2009
by Aaron Dietz

SEATTLE, WA-

I’m having the Monday coffee with CP and SK. SK has only a dollar in cash and asks if I can get the rest of his drink.

“Sure,” I say. I pull out a twenty dollar bill. I don’t have anything smaller.

“I’m on the twenty dollar diet,” I say. “I only pay with twenties.” It’s supposed to be a joke but I have no idea where I’m going with it until I notice that CP also has a twenty out and ready.

“See? CP’s doing the same thing. It’s rough out there. We have to burn the small bills just to keep warm.”
(more…)


Aaron Dietz

Hooray, I Don’t Make Toothpaste

February 8th, 2009
by Aaron Dietz

SEATTLE, WA-

An empty cargo boat is sitting in the Puget Sound with nothing to do.

I see as many as three of them at once sometimes from the window of my apartment.

Tonight, my girlfriend is going to cut my hair, which might be the reason the Northwest is in a recession.
(more…)