Thursday, April 27, 2017
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Adam Cushman Archive

Adam Cushman

Film Review: Funny Guy

October 27th, 2009
by Adam Cushman

LOS ANGELES-

A light bulb dangles in a Northridge, California motel room. Streetlights glow through cracks in the blinds. Trembling hands dump a bottle of Bacardi 151 on the head of a shirtless Philip Seymour Hoffman. Said hands strike a match. Enter the flames. The screams.

A revolutionary comedian’s head has just caught fire.

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Adam Cushman

A Thousand Words: Grandmotherland

September 15th, 2009
by Adam Cushman

LOS ANGELES, CA-

Vaselina operates five port-a-potties next to Kazanskaya Cathedral off Nevsky Prospect in St. Petersburg. In Russian, she’s a Babushka, which means grandmother. Whether Vaselina really has grandchildren makes no difference. She’s one of an army of old post-Soviet women who pour down streets and sidewalks with pocketbooks clutched in one hand, plastic bags of raw meat in the other, linebackers who will, without question, run you the fuck down if you step in their path, especially if you’re inostranetz (foreigner).

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Adam Cushman

10 Things You Say that Make Me Want to Do Bad

August 9th, 2009
by Adam Cushman

LOS ANGELES, CA-

10. Inappropriate

Here’s the email I got from Genevre.

“Ok, I first thought you were creepy in the bar when you tried to kiss my neck and told me I smelled like blue toilet water. But now I get it that someone told you about my being attracted mainly to Jewish men. Facebooking me and asking if I’m a Hitler sympathizer confirms the creepy part I mentioned earlier. I understand your ploy. I do not find you attractive. In fact, your even writing me when you have a very lovely wife is wildly inappropriate. Please leave me alone?”

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Adam Cushman

Cache

July 20th, 2009
by Adam Cushman

LOS ANGELES, CA-

Nobody likes a smartass. Take it with a pinch of salt. Thank God it’s Friday. Love it or leave it. Take pride in your work. Hold your head up high. Be a man! Are we having fun yet? Only the good die young. It takes one to know one. Say cheese! Some of us work for a living. Why me? Give peace a chance. Be all that you can be. Great minds think alike. I need to do some soul searching. I don’t know who I am anymore. I need a vacation. That’s the pot calling the kettle black. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Don’t sweat the small stuff. That’s life in the big city. No one said life had to be fair. Whoever smelt it dealt it. How was your weekend? A penny saved is a penny earned. Bite the bullet. Take one for the team. Only the strong survive. In God we trust. An eye for an eye and we’ll all be blind. We will not forgive. Once you go black, you never go back.

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