Twitter Advice for Johnny Depp, Mary Lynn Rajskub, and You
June 24th, 2009by Aaron Dietz
SEATTLE, WA-
Let’s start with the Twitter advice for you, since the majority of you fit into that category. If you’re Johnny Depp or Mary Lynn Rajskub, you can skip to the relevant section.
Scenario: You are you. You’re on Twitter. If you’re totally lost, you can get the basics from Greg Olear, but whether or not you hit Olear’s brief survival guide, I’m going to tell you what Twitter is:
It’s a site where people type what they’re doing into the Internet and then nobody reads it because nobody cares.
I mean, seriously. Or at least, that’s 99% of the traffic there*.
The other 1% are the people who say something interesting once in a while. This will hopefully be you, by the way. Let’s look at some examples.
A boring Twitter post:
Saw a movie.
Still boring, but at least it’s more specific:
Saw the new Terminator movie.
Still boring, but at least making an attempt to share a valid thought or opinion:
Saw the new Terminator and thought it was boring.
And now, something somewhat better:
Saw the new Terminator. Why was Christian Bale fighting on the side of the humans?
And so on. Look, I thought of some great examples but I’m saving them for my updates, because of course I’m on Twitter.
But you get the idea: Unless you’re already famous, you can’t afford to be boring. Well, I mean, you CAN afford to be boring, since Twitter is free, but if you are using Twitter in some kind of hope that others read your posts, it’s not in your best interest to be boring.
It helps to understand where true social networking success comes from. While the majority of social networking is indeed primarily typing text into textboxes and clicking a button, the success comes from what you type, not from having typed something. It’s quality that makes the grade, not your mad skillz at entering stuff into textboxes and clicking Submit.
Okay, got it? Pretty simple, really. Let the world be interesting.
Scenario: You’re Johnny Depp. Everyone knows you as someone who is always doing something strange or crazy or amazing.
On Twitter, then, you should be boring. This works because no one on the planet can imagine you doing something boring. Thus, a Twitter post equivalent to Put on shoes = OMG LOL Johnny Depp put on his shoes!!!11!!! LMAO!!!11!!1!!
I mean, seriously, Johnny Depp could never put on his shoes–that would be insane!
Scenario: You’re Mary Lynn Rajskub. Truth be told, you can do whatever you want. I’ll still follow you.
*Statistic not actually gathered from anywhere or valid.
Tags: Greg Olear, Johnny Depp, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Social Networking, Twitter, you
Have… have you used that Terminator line yet? Because if you haven’t…
I think we should all use it. People will think it’s a movement. You start. Then you can say you started a movement. How many times do we that in our lives? I’d guess about two.
my problem with twitter is that everyone can read what you write. there’s no privacy.
ATTENTION EVERYONE! Ignore Ben’s comment. He needs his privacy.
the sort of attention whore on Twitter *want* you to read everything they write.
Thats right TNBers, I’m calling you all whores!
As Brad asked me to join, I guess that makes him my pimp…
I admit it. I’m on Twitter to get attention. And to follow Mary Lynn Rajskub.
Um. Am I total idiot of not knowing who Mary Jane Rajskub is?
(resisting to urge to Google)
I joined Twitter so I could participate in the Twitter Film, and now you tell me I have to perform like a Organ Grinder’s Monkey too?
Clap on.
Corrections:
1. resisting theurge to Google
2. perform like an Organ Grinder’s Monkey
TNB, like Twitter, (and FB) needs edit buttons.
Mary Lynn Rajskub is still fairly obscure. I first ran into her on Mr. Show (absolutely lovely), and then completely fell in love with her pushy-sister character in Punch Drunk Love. I rue the day that she was welcomed on to the cast of 24, because I really don’t want to have to watch all of those episodes, but I fear I must, if I’m to be called a true fan. Or whatever.
And you never need Google anything. All you do is ask questions where people usually hang out and post stuff and someone will at least Google it for you. It works, I swear!
Thanks for the “ping,” Aaron.
Do you get Twitter anxiety? I get it all the time. I’m always trying to be entertaining, or at least relating something somewhat interesting, but mostly it comes out weird. Which isn’t that odd, when you consider that I’m a novelist — I mean, I can’t even write a short story, and I’m supposed to speak in 140 characters? Yeah, right.
Plus, Michael Ian Black and Diablo Cody just fart out funny tweets. Which is intimidating.
You know what else it’s good for? Determining if celebs are smart. Samantha Ronson, for example, is very smart. Not that that’s surprising. But I like to know shit like that. And Shaq once posted a joke that made me laugh.
Right - Twitter anxiety. Totally!
And I end up posting stuff and then second-guessing it. Like, “Maybe no one will get that.” Or, “That wasn’t funny. I don’t know why I thought that was funny.” And yeah - seeing what others are spitting out is often a downer.
But…I keep coming back for more punishment.
Sometimes arcane is fun, too…a few weeks ago, Brad’s tweet was this: “Laslo Holyfield.” And man, did I laugh. But I don’t know how many other people did.
I did.
I admit: I’m not cool enough to know what that’s about. Some kind of boxing thing? I’d try to figure it out by Googling it, but thanks to Kimberly M. Wetherell, I’m honoring a No-Google policy on all questions sparked by TNB today.
It’ll take a ‘Real Genius’ to figure it out.
(and actually, that’s a double-whammy clue, considering it takes into account two Batmans [Batmen?] one old, one new.)
Kimberly, seriously. ‘Batmen’ is one of my favourite words. For some reason, I also like describing a plural of episodes of Letterman as Lettermen.
I know a moral imperative from a hole in the wall, but I’m still missing connections. Val Kilmer to…Laslo Holyfield…. Hm. I’m just not remembering names, or something.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089886/
Now that’s arcane.
I know you did, K-Dub, which is why I love you so. Well, one of the reasons.
And Aaron, no one’s claiming any of this is cool.
I am. It’s cool. We’re cool. We. Are. Cool.
Aren’t we?
If knowing Real Genius isn’t cool, then my whole reading of cool is messed up.
I always seem to be warding off the mobs whacking away at twitter and its users (and yes, I am one).
Twitter doesn’t get enough credit. Occasionally I’ll drop 120-character-boring-person posts (”my computer crashed for the 5th time this afternoon. i just picked it up from IT.”) But mostly I use my account to follow FOX, Souplantation (yum!), Jinx, Felicia Day, and sports scores. I know when X tv show gets bumped to a new night or when Souplantation has Tuesday night deals, or The Guild Season 2 is up for sale (finally!).
I suppose I internalize this as a more legitimate use of Twitter so I’m always speaking up for the service.
It’s an incredibly valid way to get information, like your examples you mentioned, as well as all that craziness in Iran. Where would Iran be now without Twitter? It may end up owing a thought-revolution to the site, and that’s pretty amazing.
Aaron,
Can you actually twitter Mary Lynn Rajskub?
I’m going to go look.
Oh BOO!
There is a site for her, but she’s never there. It’s just a bunch of fans making stuff up.
Way to let me down, Aaron!
Wait. Then who’s this? http://twitter.com/rajskub
Am I following the real one? I need to know!
Aaron, you found the REAL one! I just got some fan site.
I will never disbelieve you again.
Oh no - please disbelieve me any time you wish. I’m often wrong. Like, once every century, at least.
I have very nearly given up trying to think of clever things to say on Twitter. I’m not clever. I mostly just respond to tweets from those who tweet me. Which I shall do any second now. If, that is, anyone has tweeted me. I don’t know why they would, seeing that I’m not clever and never have anything good to tweet.
If you’ve given up trying to be clever, then at least you’re authentic, which is VERY rare in Twitter-space.
Yes, but it won’t get me “noticed.” Good God, that writers are reduced to such desperate lengths!
Seriously. Though I think writers do tend to have SOME advantages when it comes to typing words into textboxes. I mean, at the least there’s a slight mastery of grammar and such.
I’m rubbish at Twittering. I like to think its because I’m far too verbose to be funny in 140 characters.
But really it’s because I’m not as funny/interesting as I like to think.
I use twitter to: reply to tweets
whore my writing
The social uses for Twitter are not to be overlooked. The quality rating of a reply is much less important - it’s almost like just by replying you gain cool points with SOMEONE because you’ve acknowledged their existence.
Keep working it that way, yeah? It’s a decent way to go.
I hated Twitter. I kept hearing about it, and as with annything popular I decided it was stupid, shit and whatnot.
I literally only signed up because Brad said me a message telling me I’d made the ‘TNB Twitter Hall of Fame” and that piqued my curiosity; I *had* to sign up to see what it all meant.
And since I did it’s been great. As most of TNB use it to whore themselves/utilize technology to promote their craft, its mostly TNB writers.
This is as opposed to Facebook where I largely talk to and befriend readers/fellow commenters.
If TNB was a print thing, Twitter would be the TNB bar when we were done writing. And it does feel good to reply/get a reply from a fellow writer. I genuinely feel more part of something for being there. It’s *FUN.* And who doesn’t like fun?
If you don’t like fun, you’re not having any.
And I always say, if you can’t make something fun, you’re not doing it right.
Good thoughts, Mr. Irwin. I, too, enjoy the TNB atmosphere on Twitter.
i don’t really like to follow celebrities. i can only follow them if i secretly want to make out with them, like nathan fillion. i follow him. and actually, i think i follow a bunch of them. but i don’t want to make out with them all. the point is that i want to make out with nathan fillion.
he’s my mary lynn rajskub.
i went to go follow you on twitter, but apparently i already do. i really don’t understand twitter. it’s totally not all that cool.
Yeah, even celebrities that I think are really cool I don’t follow. It’s pretty much just Mary Lynn Rajskub.
And I’m not sure what you think isn’t cool about Twitter, but…I can agree in many ways. What Twitter and other social networking sites are doing is making the gross and ugly stuff of humanity much more transparent. In some cases, this is good (take Iran, which is basically having a cultural revolution solely because people can use cell phones to update the world on current events there - the ugliness in Iran SHOULD become more transparent), but in some cases it’s not so good (it’s essentially millions of people saying “Look at me! Look at me!” over and over again.
As social networking continues, I’d like it to evolve to a point where it starts making good things about humanity more transparent, too. Right now it’s pretty highly concentrated on the bad.
(I can’t believe I had to look up Nathan Fillion - Firefly! Yeah, he’s got a certain thing. It’s very charming.)