LOS ANGELES, CA-

Alright.

That’s it.

I’ve HAD IT.

Every pair of jeans I own is destroyed.

(more…)

AUVERGNE, FR-

It is the last week at school before the holidays.

You remember the feeling.

The anxiety is growing.

The excitement is about to reach the tipping point.

(more…)

NASHVILLE-

I am walking the veranda at the Mall of Green Hills, the
suburban Nashville shopping center
where Nashville’s elite fling their
cash - not your average Sears and Penney’s mall with its gape-eyed limpers in
diabetic socks.

(more…)

SARANAC LAKE, NY-

I live in a village of old people.

Well, at least we’re way above the national average.

The dating sucks.

I try to avoid it.

(more…)

LOS ANGELES, CA-

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Was a foul-mouthed, philandering fucktard

Of a tennis-elbowed twit

With a petting zoo soul
And a hemorrhoided harpsichord
Playin’ the soundtrack to his goodbye-cruel-world of a life…

(more…)

SACRAMENTO, CA-

If you’ll remember from last time, I’ve been hoping for a car accident.

I’m not suicidal.

I don’t want a fatal car accident.

Just one that causes more than $9,000 in damage to my vehicle.

The thing is: I owe a lot of money on my car and have gap insurance, which pays off my loan if the car is totaled.

It’s become a bit of an obssession, this hoping for an accident. (more…)

LONDON-

I said to my brother, “I’ve just been reading a book on Evelyn Waugh.”

He said, “Evil in war? That sounds like a hardcore book.”

(more…)

PARIS-

My absolute favorite moment during my recent visit to the maternity ward was when Philippe whipped out the list of restaurants.

His second daughter, my future sister-in-law Aurélie, had just a few hours earlier brought her first child into the world, a baby boy.

The photos of little Simon had been snapped, his first presents had been unwrapped, and new dad Guillaume’s back had been slapped.

While Philippe’s fourth grandchild slept quietly on his mom’s tummy, it was time to get to the serious matter at hand: where were we going to go for dinner?

Thus, out came the list.

Somehow, he had had enough foresight to prepare a list of about eight restaurants located near the Maternité Ste. Félicité in the 15th arrondissement, and as the clock ticked past 8 pm and visiting hours wound down, we were ready to celebrate at an appropriately researched local eatery.

Serious matters such as cuisine are never left to chance here in Paris. (more…)

THE DEEP SOUTH-

I don’t do drugs.

Never have.

But I know people that do.

Drugs seem to work.

(more…)

LOS ANGELES, CA-

O’ Son and Daughter of Noble Birth
Now the time has come for you to seek a path
As your breath stops, visions will appear
And while on this journey from life into death
If you find yourself calling out,
(more…)

CHICAGO, IL-

If you didn’t already hear, a truck driver entered the Citigroup Center building in downtown Chicago last week and locked the exits on the 38^th floor with a chain he hid in a bulky manila envelope.

(more…)

LOS ANGELES, CA-

Let me tell you a little story.

A little ditty.

About Jack and Diane.

(more…)

SALT LAKE CITY, UT-

From 1989 through 1992, I lived in Gainesville, Florida.

During the first two years, I earned an M.F.A. in poetry from the University of Florida. During the last year, I worked in a bookstore.

I enjoyed working in the bookstore, mainly because of my coworkers. They were a pretty groovy bunch.

One weekend, several of us took a field trip to a local tattoo parlor, where we got the same tattoo done, though in different colors, and on different parts of our anatomy.

(more…)

SACRAMENTO, CA-

I’m a bit of a hypochondriac.

I’m not a germaphobe or anything like that.

I don’t carry around a handkerchief with which to open doors.

Nor do I refuse to use public phones.

But I have been known to diagnose myself with diseases.

Some such diseases have included arthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome, melasma, walking pneumonia, strep throat, asthma and carpal tunnel syndrome. (more…)

CHARLOTTE, NC-

The other day I got a call from a friend who told me he’s getting a divorce. This will be his second divorce. The first one lasted six long years. They were both young and thought they were in love.

(more…)

NASHVILLE-

My last post was a short piece on Britney Spears’ alleged purposeful flashing of her scarred and tired privates and how somehow we might grasp such an event (which is not nearly as surreal as it would have been ten years ago) as symbolism, more parable from the Powers that be concerning our growing obsession with fame even as the warnings become more graphic that fame is a character carnivore, a soul-eating virus, a cancer in the bones, despite the constant hammering of revelation, the death of privacy and prudence, the gorging buffet of information, still our necks are soft and open, begging this necrotic tiger for his cancerous fangs.

(more…)

AUVERGNE, FR-

The official workweek here in France is 35 hours.

That’s right, the maximum number of hours a full-time employee is allowed to work is 35.

This law is enforced.

However, I have recently found out why.

It’s not to have more time to read the paper in a café or shop for haute couture. They need the other seven to ten hours the rest of the world spends working to wait in line.

(more…)

SAN DIEGO, CA-

How’s that for a back-handed apology?

Maybe I could be a politician, after all.

So as you know, I went to Eastern Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving weekend.

(more…)

LOS ANGELES, CA-

The other day I woke up early
Went over to Mickey’s Early Bite
For some breakfast

When I got there
I noticed that Albert Einstein

(more…)

SALT LAKE CITY, UT-

When I was younger, seeing people litter used to really bother me.

In grade school, for example, my friend Pam and I would stomp around the schoolyard at recess, picking up litter off the playground and singing the theme song from the sitcom “Laverne and Shirley” at the top of our lungs in a rather aggressive fashion.

(more…)