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Smells like victory

Archive for December, 2006

Lenore Zion

Is Your Ass a Destructive Force? Find Out Here!

December 21st, 2006
by Lenore Zion

LOS ANGELES, CA-

Alright.

That’s it.

I’ve HAD IT.

Every pair of jeans I own is destroyed.

(more…)


Maureen Quinlan Jouhet

Holidays: Christmas in France is Not Necessarily about the Presents, but You Already Knew That

December 21st, 2006
by Maureen Quinlan Jouhet

AUVERGNE, FR-

It is the last week at school before the holidays.

You remember the feeling.

The anxiety is growing.

The excitement is about to reach the tipping point.

(more…)


Jennifer Duffield White

Red Cowboy Boots Are Not a Precurser To Gray Hair, Or How Johnny Winter Rocks My World

December 19th, 2006
by Jennifer Duffield White

SARANAC LAKE, NY-

 

I live in a village of old people.

Well, at least we’re way above the national average.

The dating sucks.

I try to avoid it.

(more…)


Rich Ferguson

Nothing Goes Down Better With a Mouthful of Holiday Grog Than a Good Ol’ Rudolph Rant…

December 18th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

 

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Was a foul-mouthed, philandering fucktard

Of a tennis-elbowed twit

With a petting zoo soul
And a hemorrhoided harpsichord
Playin’ the soundtrack to his goodbye-cruel-world of a life…

(more…)


Rebecca Adler

My Survival Instinct Won’t Let Me Crash My Car Even When the Perfect Opportunity Presents Itself

December 18th, 2006
by Rebecca Adler

SACRAMENTO, CA-

If you’ll remember from last time, I’ve been hoping for a car accident.

I’m not suicidal.

I don’t want a fatal car accident.

Just one that causes more than $9,000 in damage to my vehicle.

The thing is: I owe a lot of money on my car and have gap insurance, which pays off my loan if the car is totaled.

It’s become a bit of an obssession, this hoping for an accident. (more…)


Emma Ashwood

Evil in Biography: or How To Score Yourself a Great Death by Finding Your Parachute

December 15th, 2006
by Emma Ashwood

LONDON-

I said to my brother, “I’ve just been reading a book on Evelyn Waugh.”

He said, “Evil in war? That sounds like a hardcore book.”

(more…)


R Kent

While Welcoming New French Children into the World, Never Forget the Importance of Comfort, Cuisine, and Naming Rights

December 14th, 2006
by R Kent

PARIS-

My absolute favorite moment during my recent visit to the maternity ward was when Philippe whipped out the list of restaurants.

His second daughter, my future sister-in-law Aurélie, had just a few hours earlier brought her first child into the world, a baby boy.

The photos of little Simon had been snapped, his first presents had been unwrapped, and new dad Guillaume’s back had been slapped.

While Philippe’s fourth grandchild slept quietly on his mom’s tummy, it was time to get to the serious matter at hand: where were we going to go for dinner?

Thus, out came the list.

Somehow, he had had enough foresight to prepare a list of about eight restaurants located near the Maternité Ste. Félicité in the 15th arrondissement, and as the clock ticked past 8 pm and visiting hours wound down, we were ready to celebrate at an appropriately researched local eatery.

Serious matters such as cuisine are never left to chance here in Paris. (more…)


Rich Ferguson

The Los Angeles Book of the Dead: Words to be Recited to Those at the Time of Their Death in This City

December 13th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

 

O’ Son and Daughter of Noble Birth
Now the time has come for you to seek a path
As your breath stops, visions will appear
And while on this journey from life into death
If you find yourself calling out,
(more…)


Greg Boose

Daydreaming About A Man Entering Your Workplace With a Gun Gets You Nowhere But Down

December 13th, 2006
by Greg Boose

CHICAGO, IL-

If you didn’t already hear, a truck driver entered the Citigroup Center building in downtown Chicago last week and locked the exits on the 38th floor with a chain he hid in a bulky manila envelope.

(more…)


Lenore Zion

Helpless People Can Be So Cute When They Don’t Clean Their Toes

December 11th, 2006
by Lenore Zion

LOS ANGELES, CA-

Let me tell you a little story.

A little ditty.

About Jack and Diane.

(more…)


Dawn Corrigan

The Illuminated Man and Other Interesting Dead People

December 11th, 2006
by Dawn Corrigan

SALT LAKE CITY, UT-

From 1989 through 1992, I lived in Gainesville, Florida.

During the first two years, I earned an M.F.A. in poetry from the University of Florida. During the last year, I worked in a bookstore.

I enjoyed working in the bookstore, mainly because of my coworkers. They were a pretty groovy bunch.

One weekend, several of us took a field trip to a local tattoo parlor, where we got the same tattoo done, though in different colors, and on different parts of our anatomy.

(more…)


Rebecca Adler

People Who Say Seasonal Depression Doesn’t Exist Are Probably Right, But I’m Still Convinced I Suffer From It

December 11th, 2006
by Rebecca Adler

SACRAMENTO, CA-

I’m a bit of a hypochondriac.

I’m not a germaphobe or anything like that.

I don’t carry around a handkerchief with which to open doors.

Nor do I refuse to use public phones.

But I have been known to diagnose myself with diseases.

Some such diseases have included arthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome, melasma, walking pneumonia, strep throat, asthma and carpal tunnel syndrome. (more…)


Reno J. Romero

The Joy of Chinese Food and The Doomed Seeds of Divorce

December 11th, 2006
by Reno J. Romero

CHARLOTTE, NC-

The other day I got a call from a friend who told me he’s getting a divorce. This will be his second divorce. The first one lasted six long years. They were both young and thought they were in love.

Ring

(more…)


Maureen Quinlan Jouhet

A Meeting with the Man Who Doesn’t Smile and Feeling Sorry for the Woman Who Has to Have Her Nervous Breakdown In Public

December 10th, 2006
by Maureen Quinlan Jouhet

AUVERGNE, FR-

The official workweek here in France is 35 hours.

That’s right, the maximum number of hours a full-time employee is allowed to work is 35.

This law is enforced.

However, I have recently found out why.

It’s not to have more time to read the paper in a café or shop for haute couture. They need the other seven to ten hours the rest of the world spends working to wait in line.

(more…)


Kaytie M. Lee

I’m Sorry if You Think I’m Morbid for my Fascination with Eastern Pennsylvanian Graveyards, Churchyards, Cemeteries, and Mortuaries, because It’s not Morbidity, It’s Realism

December 7th, 2006
by Kaytie M. Lee

SAN DIEGO, CA-

How’s that for a back-handed apology?

Maybe I could be a politician, after all.

So as you know, I went to Eastern Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving weekend.

(more…)


Rich Ferguson

Breakfast Isn’t Just Plain Old Eggs and Coffee Anymore When There’s Einstein At The Grill

December 7th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

 

The other day I woke up early
Went over to Mickey’s Early Bite
For some breakfast

When I got there
I noticed that Albert Einstein

(more…)


R Kent

Don’t Expect French Museum Workers To Be As Geeked Up As You Are When You Visit the Star Wars Exhibit At Their Science Museum

December 6th, 2006
by R Kent

Paris-

In a never-ending quest to increase my knowledge of the scientific world, I metroed across Paris to the 19th arrondissement, in the north of the city, to visit the Cité des Sciences et de l’Industrie – Paris’ science museum.

There I found the monolithic building, one of the Mitterand-era monstrosities that seems more at home in Soviet Russia, where every human being was apparently 15 feet tall, or at least so it would seem, based on the size of the steps outside, leading to the museum.

Inside the great airplane-hangar sized hall, I knew immediately that I was in a science building.

I knew this because there were lots of blue and white tubes running the length of the ceilings, and down the walls.

Nothing screams ‘Science!’ like large air duct-like tubes of various colors.

These are the staple of any good science museum architecture. (more…)


Rebecca Adler

I Hate Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda, but I Can’t Help Asking: Would Children Have Saved My Marriage? (Or: My Conversion, Part 2)

December 5th, 2006
by Rebecca Adler

SACRAMENTO, CA-

Don’t wait until you’re ready to have children. You’ll never feel ready. - Bishop White, Mormon church.

Periodically through the years I would feel guilty about having given up my faith and I’d go back, only to remember why I’d left in the first place.

It was about a year before I went back to church the first time.

Donald and I needed someone to marry us and my dad reallly wanted a Mormon bishop. (more…)


Kaytie M. Lee

Don’t Ask Me How I Came to be in Amish Country, PA, on the Day Before Thanksgiving, Because it’s Still a Blur of Black Wool, Straw Caps, Scooters and Intercourse

December 4th, 2006
by Kaytie M. Lee

SAN DIEGO, CA-

My husband, Michael, grew up near Amish Country, PA (i.e. Lancaster County), so naturally whenever we visit the area I insist on a tiny road trip.

My reasons are twofold:

1) It’s Amish

(more…)


Rich Ferguson

Friday Night Conversations About Elvis Presley, Marie Antoinette, Life Lessons Learned While Dressing Up, and the Possibilities of Henry Kissinger Getting His First Period

December 3rd, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

 

It’s another Friday night
I’m relaxing on the couch with my girlfriend

The lights are low
The candles are burning
So’s the patchouli incense

(more…)