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The flogging will continue until morale improves

Archive for November, 2006

Rich Ferguson

So What If Beyond The Light There’s Only Smoke and The Smell of Cheap Whiskey

November 30th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

 

Forgive me, Lord
Last night something happened over at Monroe’s Bar

Started with me minding my own business
Drinking beer in the blue and golden glow of jukebox light

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Dawn Corrigan

Certificates of Awesomeness, Excellence, and Approval; and Neuticles

November 30th, 2006
by Dawn Corrigan

SALT LAKE CITY, UT-

Last summer, my friend Amanda attended Teach for America’s Summer Institute.

Dawncorrigan25a
                      Amanda

Teach for America’s Summer Institute is kind of like boot camp for teachers.

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Lenore Zion

Every Now and Then, a Movie Like “Sextette” Comes Along and Makes Me Really Want to Reach Old Age So I Can Break Out Into Song and Fondle Myself in Public

November 29th, 2006
by Lenore Zion

LOS ANGELES, CA-

Over Thanksgiving week, lots of stuff happened.

My little brother and his girlfriend got engaged.

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Smibst

On God, Dilbert, Podiatry, and the Unnecessary Cruelness of It All

November 29th, 2006
by Smibst

PHILADELPHIA, PA-

Let’s face it:

God can be a dick sometimes.

There’s no two ways about it.

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Rich Ferguson

Sure Rolfing Can Be An Extremely Weird and Painful Experience, But Not as Weird and Painful as Some of the Shit That It Can Bring Up

November 28th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

 

It’s a Friday afternoon
I’m on a folding table in my living room
Getting rolfed by this woman
Who comes highly recommended by friends

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Dawn Corrigan

Things to Do with Feathers and Hair (Bonus Christmas Gift Idea Also Included!)

November 28th, 2006
by Dawn Corrigan

SALT LAKE CITY, UT-

For years, I’ve been puzzled by this building, which is located at 1455 South 1100 East in Salt Lake City:

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The reason for my puzzlement is this sign, identifying the building as headquarters of the IDFL Institute.

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Kip Tobin

Hitler And Jesus Are Not Only The Most Popular People In The History Of The World But The Easiest (And Most Common) Answer To The Speed Dating Question That Should Never Be Asked

November 27th, 2006
by Kip Tobin

MADRID-

Andy Johnson introduced me to Dorothy last year.

Dorothy and I have recently become good friends.

She asked me if I wanted to try speed dating and I agreed.

“At the least, it’ll be an adventure,” she said.

“Or a decent TNB post,” I said.

(more…)


Emma Ashwood

In Which We Mock a Marketing Gimmick, Reveal our own Anti-Gimmick Gimmick, and Rend our Clothes in Despair at Inappropriate Attempts to Stimulate our Jaded Appetites

November 26th, 2006
by Emma Ashwood

LONDON-

Meet the C’mons.

The C’mons are fabric puppets. They are positioned as a Gorillaz style band from Barcelona. Of course, if you’ve heard any of their tunes, which all feature the repetitious lyrics, ‘C’mon, c’mon, c’mon…’ (ad infinitum), you might be a tad suspicious.

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Jennifer Duffield White

The Warren Miller Virgin Breaks A Golden Rule, Nearly Ruins The Movie, And Makes a Gear Geek Pray for Snow

November 19th, 2006
by Jennifer Duffield White

SARANAC LAKE, NY-

Mountain towns have a strange social dynamic.

A lot of us live in our own little micro-worlds of specific adventure sports.

We go through phases of being social and then being hermits.

Some weeks the only time I’m around more than two people is when I’m sitting in a gondola stuffed with seven other skiers, riding to the top of Whiteface Mountain.

My thighs crammed against theirs, barricaded by high-tech, abrasion-resistant pants and thermal underwear, might also be the closest I get to touching another human being some months.

November is all about the buildup in this town.

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Rich Ferguson

Meeting The Girlfriend’s Parents For The First Time, Or My Hair’s Real But I Bought My Tits on E-Bay

November 16th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

Picture the scene

My girlfriend and I were recently in New York City

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R Kent

Tales From the French Wedding, Part III: The Inquisition and Mother Teresa, the St. Bartholomew’s Eve Massacre and Pope John Paul II, and How to Get Married in the Catholic Church in France

November 16th, 2006
by R Kent

PARIS-

My fiancée and I have been together for over three years and will marry in December, despite the following two facts:

I love sports.

And I am a practicing Catholic.

Maybe in a future story I’ll discuss the former, and how she must really love me, because she is probably the only Frenchwoman in the world who knows how to keep score at a baseball game, but today, as we approach our wedding day, I thought it might be interesting to write about the latter. (more…)


Meghan Elizabeth Hunt

The Metal Squish Approach to Saving a Life: Why Pink Isn’t So Bad After All

November 15th, 2006
by Meghan Elizabeth Hunt

COLUMBIA, MD

Everyone has a cause, something that stirs them to participate in humanity.

Some people campaign for Darfur aid while others are donating members of the ONE Campaign.

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Reno J. Romero

When You’re Drunk and Just Broke Up with Your Girlfriend, Don’t Call Your Brother Who Still Drinks and Fondly Remembers the Days When He Screwed Anything That Moved

November 15th, 2006
by Reno J. Romero

LAS VEGAS, NV-

You heard him, Wykowski, into the water.”

—Sgt. Toomey, Biloxi Blues

When I was twenty-five I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. It was very sad but it had to be done. She came over to my apartment, got her things and that was it. It was over. A couple of nights later I had too many beers and called my brother, Gabriel. I told him that I felt like crap, that I was a wretched person, that I cheated her, that she was a good girl, just not the girl for me.

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Bryan Richards

Given the Choice Between Nothing and Drinking with Frank Sinatra, I Choose the Latter

November 15th, 2006
by Bryan Richards

 

SEATTLE, WA-

I sometimes think about heaven and wonder if the place really exists.

I’d like to think that it does, of course.

Who wouldn’t?

Obviously, if there is no afterlife to look forward to then the only alternative would be to expect a complete, utter abyss filled with absolutely nothing. (more…)


Rebecca Adler

Have a Secret, Share a Secret, Send a Secret, Post a Secret; Or Meet Frank Warren, He Collects Secrets

November 15th, 2006
by Rebecca Adler

SACRAMENTO, CA-

One of the most interesting phenomena of the Internet is the way it can easily turn an average person into a somebody.

Some people probably would become famous on their own.

Like the band OK Go, which already had a few albums out before their YouTube video of “Here it Goes Again” became an Internet Cult Classic, earning them a spot on the MTV Music Awards this year.

But the Internet hasn’t only made obscure bands famous. (more…)


Kaytie M. Lee

NYC Part II: Watching The New York City Marathon from Just Past the Halfway Point Makes Me Feel Like a Great Big Lump, Or, Catching a Glimpse of Lance Armstrong and his Entourage

November 14th, 2006
by Kaytie M. Lee

SAN DIEGO, CA-

My friend, Grant, was on the track team in high school.

He quit.

He told me, and I remember this visibly, that someone on the
team (maybe a captain, maybe not) that one of the runners told him that running
brought him “closer to God.”

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Rich Ferguson

A Brief Selection of Overheard Bits of Conversation From My Day-to-Day LA Life Interspersed With Random Voices Floating Around in My Head

November 12th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

“…It’s funny what clowns can do with balls these days…”

“…It’s Friday, you can eat calamari…”

“…Did she just not know what balsamic vinegar was?…”

“…Talking toilets and attacking toilets, it’s all just so stupid…”

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Jennifer Duffield White

Body Language Gets a New Meaning With A Map, A Bike, Flowers, And The Red Light District of Amsterdam

November 12th, 2006
by Jennifer Duffield White

SARANAC LAKE, NY-

 

A while back, I seriously considered going back to school for a second degree in geography.

There is nothing rational or professional I would have done with such a major.

I am just obsessed with places and landscapes.

I love maps, especially the arced lines of topographical maps.

Eventually, I realized I was not willing to put myself $40,000 into debt for this obsession when I could just move and write about it instead.

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R Kent

Tales From the French Wedding, Part II: The Invitations, or How to Make Your Guests Feel Like Leprous Pariahs

November 10th, 2006
by R Kent

By R Kent

PARIS-

As the six of you who regularly read this column know, I am getting married in December.

With the majority of invitations out and the RSVPs already rolling in, I’m learning the differences between French and American invite lists.

Recently, I got a call from Isabelle’s dad Philippe.

Philippe and my dad are old business colleagues.

I’ve known him since I was about nine.

An intelligent and erudite man, I have learned a lot from him and enjoy our usually witty repartee. (more…)


Zoe Brock

Arty Farty#4: I Can Play the Kazoo with My Hoo, Can You?

November 9th, 2006
by Zoe Brock

MELBOURNE, AU-

This story is the final installment of my Arty-Farty series, a small collection of tales about art, pretentions (and the lack thereof), and the miracle of each artist’s ability to showcase things from the relevant and humbling to the spectacular and the inane.

This story was supposed to be about my trip to the circus.

Zoebrock12aa

It revolved primarily around a video that I filmed and edited and posted on YouTube specifically for this blog.

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