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You are a golden god

Archive for August, 2006

Rich Ferguson

Ojai, California: It’s Not Just About Yoga Retreats, Health Spas, Cool Bookstores, and Wine Vineyards…It’s Also About Mylar Balloon Farms, Busted Pianos by the Side of the Road and One Hell of a Motorcycle Bar

August 23rd, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

It all starts with me being asked
To play some music for a yoga retreat in Ojai

Ojai
The place that takes its name
From the Chumash Indian word A’hwai, meaning “moon”

(more…)


Greg Boose

I Didn’t Get Married By a Guy Wearing a Leather Mask Who Was Backed by a Band of Demonic Robots, But Somebody Did

August 22nd, 2006
by Greg Boose

FARGO, ND-

At the end of May, I went to a wedding.

And I’ll have to agree with the horseman in the end of that clip from Rambo 3:

“A wedding. Isn’t life difficult enough?”

(more…)


R Kent

Spitting is an Important and Valuable Ability That Should Not Be Frowned Upon by Upper-Class Elitists Just Because It May Be Slightly Unattractive

August 10th, 2006
by R Kent

PARIS-

My fiancée does not know how to spit.

Physically, she cannot spit.

Seriously, who doesn’t know how to spit?

Spitting is something we all do every day.

It’s quite useful, in fact.

Without the spitting mechanism, it is quite difficult to brush one’s teeth. (more…)


Greg Boose

Fishing in Minnesota’s Nipple Can Frighten a Man Who’s Never Seen Muskrat in the Mouth of a Muskie

August 10th, 2006
by Greg Boose

MOORHEAD, MN-

I went up to Lake of the Woods over Memorial Day weekend.

This section of Minnesota is the northernmost part of the continental United States.

People from the area call it ‘the nipple’.

To get to the tip of that nipple, my girlfriend and I had to go into Canada, and then back into the US.

(more…)


Rich Ferguson

An Open Letter to LA as Written Through Me and a Bunch of Billboards and Other Things I Saw While Out Running Errands Like Getting Water, Xeroxing, and Other Stuff

August 10th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

 LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

Oh LA

I want to be your shirtless Sunshine Superman

(more…)


Megan Power

Minor Medical Emergencies and the Subjective Scale of Pain: A Brief Encounter with Extremity Laceration

August 9th, 2006
by Megan Power

SAN ANTONIO, TX-

Not too long ago, I was vertically slicing an avocado for a dinner salad and nearly severed my left pinky.

It’s the cutest knife.

Look at the pretty red handle:

(more…)


Rich Ferguson

All the Times I Stuck Something Up My Nose and Couldn’t Get It Out, and Other Such Confessions About My Life

August 8th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

 

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

All the times I stuck something up my nose and couldn’t get it out: 2
All the times I said “Under Dog”
Instead of “Under God”
When reciting the Pledge of Allegiance as a kid: 41

15 by accident; 26 on purpose

(more…)


R Kent

Now That The DaVinci Code Has Finally Run Its Course After a Bazillion Copies Sold, a Painfully Dull Movie, and Controversies Too Numerous and Too Stupid to Mention, Can We All Just Get Back to Our Lives?

August 7th, 2006
by R Kent

PARIS-

If you really call yourself Catholic, and you really believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and you believe that Jesus never married, that He died on a cross and was resurrected, if you believe all this, what do you care if some stupid author writes a book saying you’re wrong?

Dan Brown struck gold three years ago with his–do I really even have to say the name of the book at this point?–and good for him.

Earlier this summer, Imagine Entertainment released a movie based on the book. (more…)


Megan Power

Contemplating the Futility of Worrying About My Worries While Living in a Culture of Rampant Anxiety

August 7th, 2006
by Megan Power

SAN ANTONIO, TX-

Last December, at a torturously early Chamber of Commerce networking breakfast, I won a Dale Carnegie public speaking course.

(Proof that good things can come out of dropping your business card into fish bowls.) (more…)


R Kent

Even if Mel Gibson is stupid and I am naïve, we both agree on one thing regarding war, and it really has nothing to do with Jews

August 7th, 2006
by R Kent

PARIS-

Yes, Mel Gibson has issues with Jews.

His drunken comments to a Malibu cop confirm that he holds a certain amount of animosity toward Jews.

In his alcohol-fueled rant, Mel accused Jews of starting all wars.

While I believe this statement does demonstrate his dislike of Jews, I also doubt he literally believes what he is saying.

If anyone takes that comment at face value, then they’re doing so either to make a few clever jokes at his expense – nothing wrong with that at all – or they’re just being naïve. (more…)


Greg Boose

I Dream of Norwegian Men Shaking My Hand and Giving Me Back My Property

August 6th, 2006
by Greg Boose

MOORHEAD-FARGO-

I’m obsessed with playing disc golf.

When I moved to Moorhead-Fargo, one thing that made me feel better was that the area had two courses and another on the way.

Here’s me throwing a disc on the Moorhead course:

Gregboose4aa_1

That bag at my feet holds my discs.

I carry about five in there: two drivers, two mid-rangers, and a putter.

(more…)


Zoe Brock

Rambling Incohesively About Home and How to Speak Australian Like a Bonza Native While Surviving Fierce Creatures in the Land Down Under Where Women Glow and Men Chunder (Which Means “Vomit”)

August 6th, 2006
by Zoe Brock

LOS ANGELES, CA-

If ‘home is where the heart is,’ then by definition (unless you’re in the habit of ripping that still-beating muscle out of your body and leaving it behind while you travel), home is wherever the hell you are.

I travel a lot.

My cardiac organ tends to travel with me, an assumed companion.

I’ve never formally extended it an invite, and it’s never requested to be left behind.

My heart and I, sharing one passport and one constitution, have wandered the globe for years, sharing adventures and gleaning knowledge that we promptly forget in a haze of tequila bedlam.

(more…)


Rich Ferguson

Headbangin’ Through the Heartland with Ghost Voices in My Head and a Bloodstream Full of Cheap Speed

August 6th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

 

LOS ANGELES-

 

It’s 2005
My ’84 Chevy Caprice—a great big V6, 3.8 L, dented, gray upholstered floating sofa
Dies unexpectedly

I phone my brother in Jersey
He says he has a ’95 Toyota Camry with only 44,000 miles
He’ll give me for a great deal
The only problem is I have to fly back east to pick it up

(more…)


R Kent

Be Careful Not to Open Your Mouth When You’re at a Fancy Dinner Surrounded by a Bunch of Upper-Class French People and They Start Talking About Wine, Because I’m Sure Whatever You Have to Say Will Sound Really Stupid

August 3rd, 2006
by R Kent

PARIS-

French people don’t like wine.

Like?

No, you like lollipops.

You like fireworks. (more…)


Smibst

Mel Gibson, a Road Warrior of Ignorance, or: Mad Max, Beyond Blunderdome

August 3rd, 2006
by Smibst

PHILADELPHIA, PA-

Mel Gibson’s alleged anti-Semitic meltdown last week raises a few important questions.

One: Does Gibson hate Jewish people?

Two: Do the things we utter when we’re drunk really count?

Three: Where the hell is Danny Glover? (more…)


Rich Ferguson

That’s Not The Sound of a Customer Choking on a Chicken Bone, It’s The Sound of Me Choking on Koo Koo Roo Art

August 2nd, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

Something I’ve found myself doing recently
Is going to my nearby Koo Koo Roo Chicken

And ordering green beans and a soda

Here’s a picture of my meal

(more…)


Greg Boose

Standing in My Living Room and Hoping That the Neighborhood Children Hurt Themselves Might Not Be Ethically Advisable, But It Gives Me Something to Do

August 1st, 2006
by Greg Boose

MOORHEAD, MN-

There is a tall tree right outside my bedroom window.

Its branches are perfect for climbing.

Several wild children live on my street, and they are always playing outdoors.

Their posse consists of about four boys and two girls, all under the age of ten.

They are home-schooled by an obese woman who lives in the apartment house next door.

They constantly seem to be on recess.

The girls love to run circles around my rectangular building in the early morning, screeching and giggling.

(more…)


Zoe Brock

I’ve Had Enough. Period

August 1st, 2006
by Zoe Brock

CASCAIS, PORTUGAL-

Hey everyone, guess what?

I’ve got my period.

Yippee!

Lets all celebrate the fact that my boobs have swollen into two huge, lumpy, over-ripe rock melons; I’ve grown a zit on my cheek that’s big enough to name “Junior” and enroll in kindergarten; my mood is lurching precariously between highly emotional and intensely ferocious; my back hurts as if someone’s inserted an electric carving knife into my fifth lumbar vertebrae; and I want to eat an entire cacao plantation in ancient Maya, along with the little people that farmed it, those horrible Jesuits that sold them out to the Spanish, and all of their pets.

Give.

Me.

Chocolate.

Now.

Periods are fucked.

And there’s nothing moreannoying when you’re BLEEDING TO DEATH than having some blowhard pussy-foot around the topic of menstruation by referring to it as “the fairies visiting,” or asking you if you’ve “got the painters in.”

The Painters?

Give me a break.

I’ll paint you a new face in a minute.

Come a little closer, my friend, and I’ll give you a fistful of fairies….

Right in the throat.

(more…)