Hey everyone, guess what?
I’ve got my period.
Lets all celebrate the fact that my boobs have swollen into two huge, lumpy, over-ripe rock melons; I’ve grown a zit on my cheek that’s big enough to name “Junior” and enroll in kindergarten; my mood is lurching precariously between highly emotional and intensely ferocious; my back hurts as if someone’s inserted an electric carving knife into my fifth lumbar vertebrae; and I want to eat an entire cacao plantation in ancient Maya, along with the little people that farmed it, those horrible Jesuits that sold them out to the Spanish, and all of their pets.
Periods are fucked.
And there’s nothing moreannoying when you’re BLEEDING TO DEATH than having some blowhard pussy-foot around the topic of menstruation by referring to it as “the fairies visiting,” or asking you if you’ve “got the painters in.”
Give me a break.
I’ll paint you a new face in a minute.
Come a little closer, my friend, and I’ll give you a fistful of fairies….
Right in the throat.