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The aggression will not stand

Archive for July, 2006

R Kent

Michel Houellebecq is a Raging Sexaholic Adept at Splicing Raunchily Pornographic Material Into a Sociological Treatise on the Meaninglessness of 21st Century Western Man’s Existence

July 31st, 2006
by R Kent

PARIS-

Michel Houellebecq has been all the rage among French intellectuals and pseudo-intellectuals alike for the past decade or so. (more…)


Smibst

The Mom & Pop Strip Bar, or: You Don’t Have to Go Home, But You Can’t Stay Here

July 31st, 2006
by Smibst

GLENSIDE, PA-

The plan was simple:

A bachelor party.

And yet, it wasn’t so simple.

Because there was a good chance that it would be the last one.

The last bachelor party.

After a whirlwind two years of weddings and electric slides, the marriage boom among my friends was starting to wane. (more…)


Megan Power

The Most Obvious and Most Easily Fixable Failure of Humankind: Examples of Incredibly Maddening Packaging

July 31st, 2006
by Megan Power

SAN ANTONIO, TX-

I think we can all agree that humans certainly have not even come close to living up to our potential.

The fact that we only use 10 percent of our brains is one, perhaps obvious, example.

But nowhere is the evidence more abundant than in your seemingly innocuous refrigerator.

(more…)


Rich Ferguson

Who Will Save Your Soul: A Recount of How Jewel, Bad Poetry and Plumbing Only Added To My Very Crappy 1998 Life

July 30th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

 

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

It’s 1998
I’m holed up in a cubicle
At a dead-end office job
I’m feeling trapped

Trapped like a stuffed animal in one of those claw machines

Something like this

(more…)


R Kent

The French Government’s Plan to Rejuvenate Their Labor Market Ran Into a Wall When They Proposed an Idea That Would Actually Reduce the Unemployment Rate Because French People Would Rather Riot in the Streets Than Earn a Living

July 25th, 2006
by R Kent

PARIS-

French people don’t like to work.

It’s not enough that they have approximately 420 days of vacation per year here.

It doesn’t matter that they’ve basically institutionalized ‘half-day Wednesdays,’ as if it were some sort of happy hour promotion going down at the local Applebee’s. (more…)


Smibst

The Olive Garden, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Globalization

July 25th, 2006
by Smibst

PHILADELPHIA, PA-

At first it didn’t make sense.

Even to me.

I’m an intellectual, for Christsake.

I play chess.

I’ve read Ulysses.

(Or, at least, I wanted to.)

I know things.

And yet, I love the Olive Garden. (more…)


Greg Boose

Life of Kleptomania Avoided With No Help From the Art Director of Pearl Jam’s 4th Album or Promotional Pens

July 24th, 2006
by Greg Boose

MOORHEAD, MN-

I don’t consider taking pens from restaurants and stores to be stealing.

If a waiter at a Mexican eatery uses a pen with that eatery’s name printed on it, then I consider it okay for me to put it in my pocket.

They’re free.

For me, not them.

I’m sure those pens cost the restaurants something.

I’m also reasonably sure that the cost of the pen is factored in to the price of the items on the menu.

(more…)


Megan Power

The Incredible Story of How I Managed to Freeze My Own Ass in Time

July 22nd, 2006
by Megan Power

SAN ANTONIO, TX-

Everyone watches Internet porn.

And research shows that pretty much everyone has viewed pornographic material at work, too, intentionally or not.

Internet porn is doing more than setting the mood in dens across the nation.

(more…)


R Kent

The next time you’re feeling especially patriotic and thinking of slathering yourself in red, white and blue body paint, or whatever colors may represent your country, stop and think if it’s really necessary, because there are other more subtle ways to celebrate your nation

July 15th, 2006
by R Kent

PARIS-

The Fourth of July is celebrated on the fourteenth of July in France.

They call it Bastille Day.

Actually, no they don’t.

We Americans call it Bastille Day, because it was on July 14, 1789, that French citizens upset with the monarchy stormed the Bastille in an act that sparked the French Revolution.

(My fiancée, who knows much more about French history than I certainly do, just read that line and said ‘that’s a simplification of facts’, but you can read more on it elsewhere if you like.)

French people just call it ‘La Fête Nationale’.

But they don’t go around saying ‘Bonne Fête Nationale’ to each other.

They also don’t dress up in red, white and blue.

No face paint whatsoever, and no patriotic bikini tops. (more…)


R Kent

After a life-long love of baseball, am I really ready to throw away so many happy years of marriage to shack up with soccer, and what is it about Les Bleus that is leading me down that path?

July 11th, 2006
by R Kent

PARIS-

I’m ashamed.

Recently I was so caught up in the World Cup that I missed the All-Star Game.

What happened to me?

I was such a normal kid, growing up with a basketball hoop in the driveway, running pass patterns in the yard, oiling the baseball glove every spring.

Where did I go wrong?

How did soccer become so important to me?

Yeah, I know, I live in France now.

It was bound to creep in a little bit.

But man, missing the All-Star Game?

Is there any acceptable excuse? (more…)


Rich Ferguson

Hot Dog on a Stick, Be My Metaphor

July 9th, 2006
by Rich Ferguson

 

LOS ANGELES, CA-

 

Just before my friend, Jett, passed away
I was working on a piece of writing
That I felt reflected certain aspects
Of our lives

Part of it went like this:

(more…)


Zoe Brock

Aging Lords of Rock Don Spandex, Spew Fire, and Frighten the Author Into Submission With Hellish Musical Spectacle… And She Loves Every Crappy, Deafening, Smacked-Out Cracker Minute of It

July 7th, 2006
by Zoe Brock

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA-

In the immortal words of Rob Lowe

It’s all about last night, baby.

Last night I laughed until I cried.

Last night I banged my head until it threatened to disconnect from my neck.

Last night I un-earthed my rock roots, and found that I didn’t have to dig very far at all.

Last night I discovered, up close, what 30,000 Lycra-clad bogans can smell like in a closed environment.

Last night I found Rock Heaven.

Last night a fireball singed off my eyelashes.

Last night I saw human frailty come head to head with Rock n Roll.

Last night…

Zoebrockimage_1

… I went to a KISS concert.

(more…)


Brad Listi

Welcome to This Strangely Engaging Collective Exercise in Unusual Online Entertainment

July 5th, 2006
by Brad Listi

LOS ANGELES, CA-

Okay then.

Welcome, everybody, to thenervousbreakdown.com.

People have been asking me lately what this site is, and what it’s all about.

I always tell them that I don’t really know yet.

“As we get going,” I say to them, “I tend to believe that the site will tell us what it is, rather than the other way around.”

I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it sounds good, and people seem to like it, so I keep repeating it in an effort to sound knowledgeable.

On a general level, I guess you could call thenervousbreakdown a multi-blog site.

Or a multi-phlog site.

Or a collective experiment. (more…)