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TNB 3.0 - Coming Soon! 
The Nervous Breakdown is proud to announce the impending launch of a brand new and greatly expanded version of the site. It's all happening sometime this Sunday, November 15th. Please stay tuned. This should be interesting.

Brad Listi, author and founder of The Nervous Breakdown, issues a brief video transmission to officially announce the imminent launch of TNB 3.0 on Sunday, November 15, 2009. Like all TNB contributors, Mr. Listi is very excited about this new development, but it may not show as well as it should, because he is heavily sedated somewhat sleep-deprived. Regardless: Exciting times. Stay tuned.
Suzanne Burns

Aldactone For Hair Loss

January 5th, 2015
by Suzanne Burns

Aldactone For Hair Loss

Shopping for a bra is probably not that high on your list of fun things to do. With this in mind, you probably also don’t put a lot of thought into it. Eventually, this will result in the purchase of bras that simply are not good fits for your body. The skills that are required by a fashion expert, which are an artistic eye, the ability to design things, and a really creative personality and skill set, are all applicable to the cosmetology industry.

On behalf of Expert Village at Jean Paree, I’m Gloria VanWoerkom and I’m taking Rebecca through some steps of ordering wigs http://www.alicewigs.com/wigs/browse/u-part-wigs.html and what’s going to happen is, a lo of people that are ordering, there are several different colors that I didn’t mention.

They purposely wore them to portray different appearances such as appearing older and to distinguish the class they belonged to. The different hair colours of signified a different status; say for instance, military men wore white, the tradesmen wore brown and other professionals wore grey.

Different types of hats and caps have been used since ages to fulfill the needs of ever-changing fashion trends and religion as well as to symbolize social status, communal identity, professional rank Cheap Remy Hair Ponytails (especially in the military and armed forces) and guard the head, the seat of the superior human intelligence, against forces of nature.

So if you’ve ever been to Comic-Con or if you are into comic books and anime and graphic novels, comics, I mean they are always drawing, you know the women in these like wigs and maybe they are in like a tight body suit or a good example of a cosplay wig could be Storm from X-Men, you know she’s in a costume, it’s playful, it’s fun and it’s a wig.

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Suzanne Burns

Shop On-line For Gorgeous Promenade Clothes Underneath $100

May 3rd, 2014
by Suzanne Burns

Shop On-line For Gorgeous Promenade Clothes Underneath $100

Promenade evening is a as soon as in a lifetime experience, one final celebration earlier than graduation and a chance to celebration with friends who will probably be transferring far away to school in just a few months. SweetiePie: Nice to see you round :) I hope this hub may also help discover inspiration to many brides and make their wedding ceremony preparations more enjoyable. An off-the-cuff outdoor get together around the campfire helps teenagers to chill out and ring in the New Year with friends and family. You possibly can choose from their broad collection of attire which are created by completely different designers. Whether or not you are planning with an outside reception or a conventional church marriage ceremony with the reception held in the basement, listed here are a number of suggestions for ensuring you get the proper DJ in your marriage ceremony. Beautiful, charming in addition to consolation is on you might want to appear on your good promenade dresses.

Dresses those are heavily featured on our sites are: Quick One Shoulder Sequin Costume, One Shoulder Sequin http://www.ohhmylove.com/occasion-dresses/party-dresses.html Embellished, One Shoulder Sequin Embellished Dress, Strapless Sweetheart, Scoop Neck with Lengthy Sleeves, Scoop Neck, Sleeve Black Homecoming,Sleeveless Black Cocktail, Sleeveless Fitted, Sleeveless Halter, Sleeveless Purple Dress, Black, Sequin Sleeveless, V Neck Sleeveless, Strapless Chiffon Child doll Promenade Gown, and lots of extra you breathtaking dresses you may’t even imagine.

The most effective factor concerning the promenade costume is that you’ll find a wide range of favor and assortment reminiscent of evening dresses, cocktail clothes, celeb dresses, social gathering dresses or formal clothes. Considering the rising development of the promenade night time there are many promenade dresses specialists available in the market. Wedding is the event where everyone participating in the wedding likes to look grand and different.

There may be just a few flower women for a parade relying on the attraction the rest they are chosen. The halter prom gown in Clarisse promenade dresses line could possibly be cocktail or ground size. The beauty of sarongs is they are often worn again, particularly if it is a vacation spot marriage ceremony the place you’ll be spending time there after the ceremony. Whether or not it’s animal prints or floral prints, prints change the look of a One Shoulder Costume instantly giving it a long bridesmaid dresses extra informal search for days of lazing on the seaside or a night night time out with buddies.

Most marriage ceremony association is completed in accordance with themes and the clothes are prepared to emphasize the themes. With the different tendencies in vogue, the types of the attire have additionally modified. Thus, after the publicity near within the path of the promenade starts, the school college students start buying pepped up about their prom low cost evening dresses. In their cocktail clothes you’ll find one thing that flatters your physique and all you have to do is wear one of them and loosen up and enjoy the occasion. Every of their dresses in addition to gowns is unique however all are made with sophistication.

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Suzanne Burns

Low cost Marriage ceremony Attire Do Not Necessarily Imply Poor High quality

March 23rd, 2014
by Suzanne Burns

Miraculous Floor-Length One Shoulder Beading Dress
Low cost Marriage ceremony Attire Do Not Necessarily Imply Poor High quality

As a bride it’s usually assumed that your principal choice is to do with http://www.lovelinessdress.com/chiffon-bridesmaid-dresses.html the dress you’re going to wear in your massive day. You can even construct your own, choose the color, measurement, and your necessities, get the proper “classic marriage ceremony clothes”. Moreover, our price is very inexpensive, don’t miss it, get a classic marriage ceremony dress from BrideOfTheSea. A range from traditional white bridal gowns to other colours wedding dresses, or a particular bridal gown made by your requirement. All the bridal robes are fabricated from best quality wedding materials corresponding to satin, tulle, chiffon etc, and many of them have hand-made embroidery detail as nicely. At Nexteve, a superb vary of prom dresses have been displayed that adjustments the trends of the markets.

Feeling and looking out like a princess in your marriage ceremony doesn’t should be expensive since you can obtain this look with cheap wedding ceremony attire. You won’t need to push a mammoth amount of currency to seem in your prom nighttime, you may have to hold out a tiny quarrying however good high quality deals can be originated. Inexpensive Prom attire must be guardedly selected for distinction as well as strong, making secure you’ve your specific, dimensions available whilst inserting the order. Theme is a factor one has to keep in mind relating to the party dresses.

You can guarantee it by checking the online shops that has giant collection of newest and cheap prom dresses for commerce. The evening attire or for that matter any occasion put on clothes are weaved taking into account the latest materials and cuts to offer the outfit a surprising look. Every girl would wish to look beautiful, catchy and engaging on her prom evening and prom dresses are the precise highlights. Many people shell out an excessive amount weding dreses of cash and spend time to buy the costume for the Dee-day. It is proved that wholesale prom clothes are the very best clothes that one can purchase within the funds.

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Suzanne Burns

Find The Most Elegant Night Clothes At LA PIAZZETTA DI CAPRI

February 28th, 2014
by Suzanne Burns

Find The Most Elegant Night Clothes At LA PIAZZETTA DI CAPRI

Promenade is likely one of the most exciting of all events when one is in highschool. You will have to not search by way of jumbled up stuff, saving your many time, which is very important to save lots of if you’reready for prom. long evening dresses The wholesale get together dresses can be found in lots of fashionable designs which give female look to the ladies. Simple strapless and sleeves gowns appealed to ladies of limited means who wished to look elegant and have fun. Yes, inexpensive and comfortable.Affordale price is essential in your tight wedding regard to the the compfortable attire, i feel a right dimension and elegance is indespensible.

Relating to a cocktail celebration, the most popular imaginative and prescient is nothing however a scorching lady in a sexy gown with good legs. If it’s a casual workplace celebration with simply the workers and their families, a woman should be at liberty to wear a enjoyable and flirty cocktail gown. Not always homecoming is http://www.ohhmylove.com on your accomplice but also for a pricey one like a father or a brother.

When you choose a little bit promenade costume for your upcoming celebration, will probably be very sleek and my opinion, black clothes are born to be elegant. Black is a color which will be styled in many ways, making it doable so that you can have clothes to suit all seasons in various materials as well. Many of the dresses incorporate Italian silk and lace, two of the effectively-liked fabrics by the European royalties a few years ago. Other than these three colours, many different colours of promenade clothes like inexperienced, white and black can be found out there.

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Suzanne Burns

Lace Wigs On-line Extra Choices And Better Deals

January 29th, 2014
by Suzanne Burns

Buying Low-cost Entrance Lace Wigs

You might confront all sort of problems when using and choosing your favourite lace wigs, this blog is a open flatform for us to share expertise of using lace wigs. For a range of actually beautiful human hair wigs check out , quick wigs dissipate quite a bit much less hair to allow them to be a number of a whole bunch of dollars cheaper than some long wigs. Synthetic wigs are cheaper, however the very low cost fashion wigs that you just discover online don’t look actual enough.

After the precise tresses are neatly pulled back, critiques applying your full lace wig using adhesives. The theatrical wigs present to be great in your performer very properly because the make-up artists. Most make-up artists suggest wigs into the theatre artists as this saves them appreciable time in creating the hair. Over the artists it saves them away from the fear utilizing a great amount hair gels and sprays to get the hair each time they carry out. The wigs present artists a chance to live in the type totally bad concerned their coiffure. The best selling and most popular full lace wigs are inspired by the types of Beyonce.

This is perhaps a motive why wigs are presently in. Despite the truth extensions are in’ right this moment, wigs are less expensive you will should wish to change your search for enjoyable or for an goal, wigs are pockets-pleasant.

Girls develop what is called feminine-pattern baldness resulting in female hair loss whereby the hair turns into thin and very sparse over the whole scalp. Baldness with ladies can cause numerous psychological elements as properly adding extra stress and ultimately they find yourself on a merry-go-spherical state of affairs. These types of wigs aren’t as painful as using extensions and provides the phantasm that the hair is definitely growing directly from the scalp. Lace entrance wigs for black girls are constructed from very fantastic pieces of lace within the entrance of the cap. The development of those wigs is a really intricate process and may take a long time to assemble.

It is simply one other approach that wigs may help people really feel higher about the best way they appear and feel. Loads of girls wear wigs each day and their buddies do not even realize it. Some go so far as to get wigs and trim http://www.alicewigs.com/wigs.html them to totally different lengths in order that their hair will appear to be growing! Women and men wore wigs, although it was more standard for men to put on cheap Wigs wigs than ladies.

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Suzanne Burns

Unique Prom Dresses Ideas

January 2nd, 2014
by Suzanne Burns

Black Wedding Dress Ideas

The most interesting aspect of the marriage party other than bride and groom is the bridesmaid as sometimes the bridesmaid takes away the party’s attraction to her by the beautiful dress and her personality. Tags: where to get cheap prom dresses and where to find cheap prom dresses We supply more than 100 thousand high-quality dresses and famous brand bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses at inexpensive prices.

You may decide to visit the brick and mortal shop of the outlet to buy, but that will be time consuming and stressful, not to talk of how expensive such endeavor can turn out to be. It may be better to just stick with online purchase as this helps remove stress and the goods can get delivered within a very short period of time.

Cheap Little Black Dresses 2014 UK doesn’t mean the dress is not chic and beautiful Those famous prom dresses are so expensive on account of they are designed by famous designers, while sometimes http://www.ohhmylove.com/occasion-dresses/homecoming-dresses.html Cainozoic designers will bring you even more surprises.

Getting dressed is something that girls of all ages, always looked forward to. Especially, when there is a formal occasion coming up in school, finding the right dress, can sometimes be a little confusing.

Whether you are going for a special party, school dance, junior prom, graduation or any other formal occasion, the right choice can set the tone for the entire evening and make you feel like a princess.

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Suzanne Burns

Wigs & Hairpieces For Thinning Hair

December 22nd, 2013
by Suzanne Burns

Hair Wigs Try Out Some Amazing Ones

In years past, African Americans in particular had trouble finding an adequate choice in human hair wigs to select from. Most fashionable ladies with long hair,now let us changed their attitude to create (black coffee / black purple) short hair is fashion representatives, fresh and refined to be cool is a fundamental fashion。The dark black line is ideal for short hair and dark eye makeup and dress nude color lip color, blush colors can be cold of course, under the cheekbones the crowd seemed low-key, deep, but hard-edged, very suitable for the occasion at a very high degree of fashion。If you are a long hair, part it on the back of the head tied in a pony tail and clip closely circling a small number of fixed posts tight, if necessary, to make it smooth and compact with put on networks, fixed around wearing a wig.

A light color (blond) Large over-ear curly full lace human hair wigs to create the image of Hollywood nostalgia, fit to participate in the party’s theme of nostalgia.Deserve to look line of roughness, false eyelash and red lip, you must be the queen of the party.

In short hair or medium hair girls not happen overnight, strong layered long wigs can meet your aesthetic play fast and loose。In the season change your style in front of your friends to show their multi-faceted!Light brown is appropriate, it does not look heavy, young and can go to a online wigs shop to choose a slightly Large selection of Remy Hair Bulk 2015 lace front wigsWear method as above:You just put the wig twisted ray ray, then every strand of hair from 1 / 3 cut the hair at the sharp,After the hair cut all are forced to shake it loose, then wear a wig in accordance with the procedure: Portal, fixed, you will http://www.alicewigs.com/mens-kids-wigs/mens-wigs.html find that the production of their own design and hairstyle is so stylish and innovative.

The truth is, many outlets offer low-priced wigs for Halloween, taking benefit in the fact that Halloween is receiving nearer and many shoppers would acquire costumes and wigs not simply for the kids, but teens also.

A fashion iconoclast in later life he became a recluse at his family’s Wiltshire estate, Wilsford Manor..Stephen Tennant would sometimes stop traffic in nearby country towns by going shopping wearing tight pink shorts or a tablecloth as a skirt.

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Suzanne Burns

Oh My What Dress Will I Wear

December 20th, 2013
by Suzanne Burns

How To Choose Human Hair Wigs That Suit Your Style

Wigs for cancer patients are manufactured for replacing original hair that has been lost due to intake of drugs and chemical treatment that cancer patients have to undergo. Certainly, there might possibly http://www.alicewigs.com/wigs/browse/party-wigs.html be hardly any factor to generally be stressed that our frizzy hair wigs wont turn up like you would imagined-with the entire opportunities earlier than you-you will automatically look at an item youll get proud of meant for years.

When you are planning a party, you have an option to have activities that are tried and true, or incorporate new and unique elements to allow everyone to do something fabulous and fun like makeovers which change your appearance and give everyone a chance to have fun with makeup and wigs to change their looks!

Anyone who has ever watched the movie “Dirty Dancing” has seen the characters putting on wigs and checking out how they look with hair of different lengths and colors, and web sites galore offer sites to use digital cameras and take a photo, use software, and see yourselves with hair of a different color and style.

You can buy used wigs or hairpieces from beauty shops, charity stores like Goodwill or Salvation Army, clean and disinfect them, and allow kids of all ages to use them to play dress up. These can be bought very inexpensively and donated back to the charity when you are through with them.

The New York-based designer followed up on his enthralling, over-the-top Paris debut last season with a display that had all the trappings of a blockbuster show - with fashion and theatrics Clip in Hairpieces in equal doses.

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Suzanne Burns

Why Do Women Wear Wigs

December 16th, 2013
by Suzanne Burns

How To Dye Human Hair And Synthetic Lace Wig

Although nothing equals the pleasure of owning your own hair on the head, it so happens that Lace Wigs Online 2015 sometimes you lose out on the fight to win back lost hair and might be on the path to baldness. I can wear curly short wig on Monday to be an office lady; I can wear long straight wig on Tuesday to be a school girl; and on Wednesday I wear a stylish wig to be a party girl…Therefore, a Don’t take for granted wigs are all at high price.

A lot of people who lose hair seriously will choose wearing wigs,a great wig has good help for hair choose a suitable wig is very important, full lace wigs and lace front wigs are very popular for hair loss,because the high quality,looks very natural and lifelike when wearing, the most important is that full lace wigs are good for hair loss.

There are so many people with the problem of losing hair, that is somewhere making them publicly complex, but now they will go to face such situations as they are having all kind of wigs to add style to their personality and also make them feel younger and good.

Coming to the variety then there are real hair wigs that are in demand from most of the people, as they look natural and even better than synthetic hair wig, well there is a choice depends on what you want in your wig and how you will going to wear it and how much time you can spend to take care of.

Another variety of wigs are Synthetic hair wigs, these http://www.alicewigs.com/hairpieces.html are mostly used by so many people, and hence they are having different styles, for example the wigs that are used in some shows and theme parties like Halloween, in which lower quality fiber is used, these wigs are cheap and look like a wig.

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Suzanne Burns

A Simple Guide For Removing Lace Front And Full Lace Wigs

January 19th, 2013
by Suzanne Burns

Discover A Good Kinky Lace Wigs Online To Accentuate Your Looks

Whenever you the human hair wigs, what usually enters your mind is that they are simple hair accessories that add fashion statement hence elevating your beauty. For others, these wigs are just mere aids in covering their baldness since they’re undergoing therapy. However, if you from these wigs closely and learn more approximately them, you uncover that there’s above what meets the eyes. Have you ever wondered why numerous celebrities are so preoccupied with them? It is because these hair pieces are very stimulating.

Easy maintenance is one of the biggest advantages analysts synthetic lace front Bob Wigs Online Shop wigs. Maintenance is the biggest problem for your traditional hair wigs, specially when these face water. But, when the synthetic wigs are washed, the style and flexibility remain an identical. However, there are certain epidermis products that happen to be required preserve these wigs in proper condition. Beneficial purchase these discount synthetic lace wigs, make confident you ask the sort of products you should use for taking its care and handling.

If you need to buy a wig, you will discover that there’s a lot of options one could use. First you need figure out whether you want to wear synthetic wigs and Women Wigs. Synthetic wigs are likely to be feel older than the natural ones and also quality could be affected by external factors such as heat, for instance. They will also provoke irritations if you happen to possess a sensitive skin. women wigs are actually more expensive, but usually are very well certainly the most natural look and lasts beyond any alternate. The versatility of human hair are, of course, unique. Authorities that even these real hair lace front wigs can often purchased at unbelievably low prices, with there being websites give discount hairpieces.

One with the options these salons offer is “sewing” the wig on to your head (using your remaining hair just as the thread). Can cause deterioration on your remaining hair, but the possible for assorted years or indefinitely.

Lace Wig shampoo and lace cleansers aren’t one globe same. Some Lace Wig shampoos are equally meant for the hair on the lace wig while others are multipurpose to cleanse out remaining glue from lace and cleanse the scalp. You will need both products so make sure you read what your buy before select.

After their initial appearance, the us going for Fashion Wigs was at abeyance for several years until its revival in the 1700s considering that the resulting was utilized cover baldness and presumably enhance ones appearance. Diet plans . also a necessity because encouraging person he knows people were very unhygienic and the infestation of head lice was established. Most shaved their heads and donned the easily manageable Fashion Wigs.

Consider a color. You might like to in order to your normal hair color of your hair replacement. A person can try something wild and crazy. It’s even easy to get highlights in a wig. Much doubt, select a lighter shade because darker hues can overwhelm facial area and send you to look paler.

The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfully wise men — who brought gifts to the Babe inside of manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas http://www.alicewigs.com/hairpieces.html presents. Being wise, their gifts were question wise ones, possibly bearing the privilege of exchange in case of processing. And here I’ve lamely dealing with you the uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a toned who most unwisely sacrificed for additional the greatest treasures to their house. However in a last word towards wise for these days allow it to sadly be testified that of all who gave gifts, these two were the wisest. Regarding who give and receive gifts, regarding example they would be wisest. Everywhere they are wisest.

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Suzanne Burns

Something About Human Hair Wigs

December 27th, 2012
by Suzanne Burns

Something About Human Hair Wigs

Wigs are an artificial arrangement for human hair loss as it helps to hide the bald patches. The idea of heat resistant synthetic hair wigs came up in the mind of wig manufacturers when they saw that their customers were not happy http://www.alicewigs.com/wigs/browse/mens-kids-wigs.html about damaging their hair pieces while taking out the Thanksgiving turkey from the oven.

Other service providers for cancer patients include Y-Me National Breast Cancer Organization, Crickett’s Answer for Cancer, Canadian Cancer Society, Duke Cancer Patient Support Program, Wigs for Kids, etc.

Therefore learn about the several different types of constructions in hairpiece caps of wigs for cancer patients that provide added benefits answering unique individual needs of some women whether Cheap Weft Extensions Online Shop 2015 you chose ultra light weight caps, monofilament caps, or special caps of wigs for cancer patients.

These wigs articles generally fall into three categories: Lace front wigs lace on the forehead, only the front edge of the wig and go on from the ear, on the one hand the wig on the other side of the ear.

Even though New Zealand holds the credit for being the first country to give women the right to vote in 1893, it was not until 1919 that women of New Zealand were permitted to run for the state legislature.

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Paul A. Toth

Secret Lives of the World’s Greatest Composers: Mozart

June 8th, 2012
by Paul A. Toth

Despite my ability to fluently write and speak thirty-nine different languages, the four Ph.D.’s I’ve earned, my work as an archeologist, forensic pathologist, pre-Socratic philosopher, neurological surgeon, mime, locksmith, zoologist, and janitor - despite it all — I could never rest until now, when I can finally share the results of the eighty-five years I’ve spent unveiling the secret lives of music’s greatest composers.

It started with a hobby, my part-time position as an unlicensed psychiatrist, which prepared me for this project. It may well be said that this physician failed to cure himself, much less his patients, but my gracious colleagues ensured me they, too, never failed to fail.

Born immune to the culturally-bankrupt “music” known as the blues, I found my succor in Western culture’s highest achievement: the arrangement of notes into compositions that required great minds to explain how the masses could pretend they enjoyed the greatest music the world has ever ignored.

Leaving that task to others, I instead chose to explore the lives of these almost-tolerated geniuses. I selected my subjects based on a simple litmus test: Had they served as the subject of at least one major motion picture?

And with that, let us begin with the obvious and regress to the oblique as we explore the secret life of Mozart.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born in 250 A.D. to Roman parents, Irrititus Alotus, a hot-tempered shoes salesman, and Lustus Allmaleus, a seductive and highly-successful nymphomaniac. When pulled from the womb, Alotus immediately struck the boy in the head with a frying pan. Mozart, whose parents waited fifteen before naming their child, was rendered deaf in both ears and suffered brain damage as a result of the assault, which in turn led to the one factual element portrayed by 1997 film Amadeus: a mind-splintering giggle that would result in many more blows to the head.

To escape Alotus’ violence, Mozart fled to the Galapagos Islands in 1200 B.C., building a canoe with botched crosses imported from Jerusalem and employed as torture devices during Rome’s Spanish Inquisition.  Incredibly, modern scientific technology has proven Mozart the first human being to ever visit the islands.
Landing at Santiago, Mozart endured temperatures as low as 69 degrees. He survived by constructing a three-bedroom bamboo hut. In freezing temperatures, Mozart solved his boredom by studying the sounds made by birds and insects. Despite having never heard a single musical instrument or undergone the slightest musical training, Mozart translated these sounds into musical notes. Soon, he began carving his first compositions in tree trunks.

“The Tree Compositions” disappeared over the following 2600 years. Only one example remains. It was discovered by Charles Darwin in 1965 and immediately Fed-Ex’d to Art.com. But Darwin discovered something far more compelling in 1323, facts recorded but deleted from his never-completed journal, “Sex, Sex and More Sex.” By using MRI technology, forensic mythologists, aided by physician handwriting interpreters, recovered much of the deleted material in their examination of Darwin’s notes. In doing so, they revealed one of the biggest secrets of Mozart’s life.

In those passages, Darwin remarked upon observations he deemed unnecessary to his theory. The notes, rambling and nearly unintelligible due to the penicillin-resistant strep throat Darwin contracted in 1769, contain only a few lucid passages. One of those passages will forever change our understanding of Mozart.
Darwin writes, “One day on Santiago, while studying the Arctocephalus galapagoensis, I noticed that dozens of these creatures had apparently been violated in a region of the body the naming of which would be unsuitable for this journal’s audience. (Note to self: This may sell. Rethink decision later.)  I knew only one man had been to this island before me: Mozart. I recognized immediately that this supposedly- cultured man, barred from relations with women until he departed Galapagos in 1892, was the culprit, foisting himself upon these helpless creatures. With one mission remaining, I stopped in Haiti on my way home and consulted a witch doctor, requesting that he cast a curse upon Mozart.”

The Arctocephalus galapagoensis, or Galapagos fur seal, and specifically fur, propelled Mozart into a promiscuity that began the moment he returned to civilization. Leaving in the same craft that had carried him to Galapagos, Mozart eventually landed on the shores of Kazakhstan in 1899, completing a six-year journey. During the voyage, Mozart carved new compositions into the floor of his canoe, creating leaks and the need to drink and spit out the waters threatening to literally sink his ship.

Upon his arrival, the boat promptly disintegrated. Local villagers, frightened by the wig Mozart had taken to wearing during his Santiago years, grabbed the remaining boards and beat the composer out of what senses remained. From that day forward, Mozart, already deaf, lost the ability to feel, see, taste, and smell.
The villagers left Mozart to the lack of his lack of devices. He spent the night on the beach and, testing his abilities, learned that the only sound he could still produce was the giggle that had led to giggle. Tortured by memories of an unconsummated love for one of the seals, and tormented by hallucinations of frying pans, Mozart sprinted into the vast and flat plains populated by intellectually-vacuous peasants, a scene familiar to those who’ve visited Kansas.

As spears, arrows and rocks grazed his flesh, Mozart unknowing headed into the desert that would eventually become known as Russia. He arrived in Moscow, exploding with musical ideas and his sexual obsession with the fur seals he would neither forget nor ever see again.

He wandered the streets. At one point, which most historians date as occurring sometime between the years of 1498 and 1814, Mozart happened across a street pianist. Hearing the notes he had until then merely imagined, he frantically searched for the source, but he saw no birds or insects, only the man on a bench, tapping upon a strange device. Stopping between pieces, the pianist looked up and noticed the disoriented and half-naked human specimen now leaning on his piano, eyes closed. Assuming Mozart to be a narcoleptic idiot, the pianist took his unconscious superior to the local hospital. It was there that hospital records, only recently released by the Russian government, tell another secret tale.

Familiar with the disorder, Mozart’s doctors treated him by way of cocaine. Released from the hospital with a lifelong prescription for the drug, Mozart rode the White Pony for the rest of his years. Fortunately, the doctors had sympathized with the senseless, giggling composer, and before his departure, gave him enough money to support his living at hotel for two months. Mozart, walking on cocaine legs, covered the one hour walk in thirty-five seconds. The doctors, knowing his inability to speak, had made arrangements with the hotel, and Mozart was attended to with special care by the matron, one Zhamaryspechikov Zavajhanovovich, a widow whose inheritance had made her a wealthy business owner. Nevertheless, Zavajhanovovich was lonely and often “visited” her male lodgers late at night.

In this manner, Zavajhanovovich went to Mozart’s room at midnight. Upon opening the door, she witnessed the composer in a furious cocaine power-wanking session, in which it can be surmised that Mozart’s mind was filled with visions of fur seals. Knowing an opportunity when she spotted one, Zavajhanovovich stripped off her clothes and revealed another kind of fur, then pounced upon her willing prey. Mozart and Zavajhanovovich married half an hour later.
Now living permanently in the hotel, Zavajhanovovich taught her husband how to write. One day into the honeymoon, Mozart could communicate his thoughts in thirteen languages, and, except for his music, this provided his sole means of communication.

One morning, Mozart handed Zavajhanovovich a note in which he asked that she go to the market and purchase for him new ears, eyes, tongue, nose, and “if possible,” nervous system. When she responded with the silence of the stunned, Mozart jotted a second note: “Never mind. But please obtain 185 exterminators to eradicate the liquid spiders dripping from the ceiling, which is melting.”

Thus, we arrive at the solution to a psychiatric mystery. Often diagnosed as bipolar, Mozart instead developed paranoid schizophrenia from his constant use of cocaine. Recent studies solidified the diagnosis by revealing that 100 percent of paranoid schizophrenics hallucinated insects, birds and fur seals whenever listening to Mozart’s music via I-Pods supplied by researchers.

Deeply worried, Zavajhanovovich took Mozart to the office of a charlatanosk, the era’s equivalent of a psychiatrist. This charlatanosk, centuries ahead of his time, provided the exact treatment a modern psychiatrist would administer in such a case, doubling Mozart’s medication. This doctor, whose name remains unknown, became Mozart’s lifelong friend, and the doctor’s monthly requests for greater compensation were met with instant approval. Mozart recorded the sole in his diary. Having protested for ten minutes, he writes, “Liquid spiders began dripping from the ceiling, which was also melting.” He instantly paid the requested fee.

Mozart’s career left the launching pad in 1413, just as the Russian Revolution began. Zavajhanovovich, labeled a bourgeois capitalist by the newly-formed government, was arrested and sent to Siberia during what historians would later call “seventeen days that changed some of the world for a while.” Mozart proved immune to sorrow; he reports in his diary that he “never stopped imagining my sweet wife as a far sweeter fur seal.”

His career survived the chaos to come, then thrived as communist officials rushed to witness the “giggling idiot.” After expressing his desire to copulate with Stalin’s mustache, Mozart was arrested. Though originally pre-sentenced to death, Mozart’s fortunes turned when Stalin recognized that executing the world-renowned prisoner would create too great a public relations crisis. He was released in 1642 and sent to the czar, who proclaimed the composer a Hero of the Soviet Union.

The final secret of Mozart’s life regards his death. Long the subject of intense scrutiny and conspiracy theories, not to mention a good film plot, the secret facts can now be revealed. For reasons unknown but documented by the secret witness account left by Stalin himself and made public by a different dictator yesterday, Mozart’s final words - or word - proves the power of the supernatural: “Voodoo,” he said, and breathed his last breath. A Haitian witch doctor’s curse had killed one of the world’s greatest composers.

In honor of the dead hero, Stalin arranged for the shipment of Mozart’s corpse to Galapagos, where he was buried with 25,000 fur seals executed by NKVD guards in a “Soviet Supreme Sacrifice” attended by 65,000 birds, 3,000,000 insects, and the ghost of Charles Darwin. But one last secret occurred in Mozart’s afterlife, for Soviet secret police records note that Stalin had become so obsessed with the composer that he shaved his mustache, which was placed in the coffin that now rests somewhere beneath the florid surface of Santiago Island.

Suzanne Burns

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Sarah Maizes

My Child Has Autism and it’s Awesome!

December 2nd, 2009
by Sarah Maizes

LOS ANGELES, CA-  As the mother of a child with autism…

I don’t have anything else to add to that, but I got your attention didn’t I?  Don’t feel like a sucker.  You’re not the only one.

It has come to my attention that whenever I say “As the mother of a child with autism…” people instantly pay attention.  They presume I’m wise and sagely, and they’ll take virtually anything I say as gospel.  It’s quite fabulous really.

The statement could be followed with something as simple as “…I like kids chewable vitamins” and people will take this into serious consideration.  “Hmmm…maybe chewables ARE better for kids than gummies.  I mean, she would know, her child has autism.”

I didn’t ask for this.  I didn’t plan on having a child with autism.  I didn’t want to have a child with autism, but lo and behold, I do.  And it sucks.  But when you have a child with special needs and you’ve put in the hours and years of dedication to the process of helping that child as I have, shouldn’t I enjoy a few of the perks?

Well, people thinking I am really smart is one of them.

When I say “As the mother of a child with autism, I buy mostly organic fruit.”  It is met with a collective “Oooooooooooo.”

When I say “As the mother of a child with autism, I have my kids ride their bikes at least twice a week.”  I hear a united “Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.”

Believe me, I don’t actually think I’m saying anything interesting or even noteworthy.  I’m usually not.  And God knows, whatever I’m yapping about is almost always unsubstantiated.  I’m a busy woman.  Sure my kid has autism, but that doesn’t mean I know any more than the average bear.

But people can’t help but think I have something valuable to say.  It appears to be a natural gut reaction to think “Oh, she’s the mother of a child with autism.  She must know a lot about child development.”  Or, “Wow, her kid has autism.  That sucks.  Even if I don’t agree with her, I feel sorry for her and I’m going to give her whatever she wants.”

I’d love to say I’m above it, but I’m not.

It’s wonderful.  If I’m at school and I want my daughter to have a better seat in class, I just say “As the mother of an autistic child, I think mine should sit in front.”  If I’m out with friends at a movie I can say with great authority, “As the mother of an autistic child, I think the characters were extremely well-drawn.”  Or, let’s say we’re driving to the valley and I just don’t want to be stuck on side streets.  I’ll say “As the mother of an autistic child, I think we should take the highway.”

I suppose I shouldn’t expose myself to the world and tell people I’ve figured this out, and I certainly shouldn’t use my own family’s misfortune to take advantage of others when I can get away with it.

But I did, and I do.  And now, I’m headed out to dinner with some friends.  I’d like to have a couple of cocktails, so I’m thinking I’ll casually ask “who wants to be the designated driver?”  We’ll all look at each other and then I’ll point to one of them and say “As the mother of an autistic child, I really think you should be the one driving.”

And it will work.

At long last, I’ve found my silver lining.

David S. Wills

Meeting a Messiah

November 11th, 2009
by David S. Wills


His name was Daniel and I think he was a paedophile. Whether he was or he wasn’t, he certainly was a violent and delusional man, and his brief stint in my life was alarmingly full of coincidence and fear.

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Slade Ham

Silent Warrior

November 10th, 2009
by Slade Ham


It started at 3:00 am and it didn’t stop. It was relentless. It’s the second attack in as many weeks and my sanity may suffer for it. I am under siege from the most well trained, mosquito assassin on the planet.

I have forever been aware of the buzzing annoyance that describes most mosquitoes. This one though, this one is a special breed. With a regular attacker, you can isolate it by its sound. You listen to it as it gets closer and closer and then slap the last place you heard it. I’ve killed them by the thousands over my lifetime, and I’m afraid that’s why they’ve sent this demon warrior after me. The Uruk-Hai of the insect world.

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Kip Tobin

The Athiest and the Believer

November 8th, 2009
by Kip Tobin


The atheist and the believer walked together on the path that followed the highway, looking for light.

Everything visible was dampened gray, as if some colossal waterlogged blanket was thrown on top of their sky and hung there, dripping. Incessant raindrops had been pricking their faces for over two hours, and the cutting wind foretold the road ahead without visible end. The others had gone ahead, and they couldn’t see anything except for the highway to their right, the miry path directly in front and the snow-quilted fields to the left that were melting reluctantly in the cold rain.

The panorama was muddy, leaden, soppy.

Read more »

Simon Smithson

On Change

November 8th, 2009
by Simon Smithson


A friend of mine doesn’t meet new people easily. It’s possible he may be suffering from a touch of Asperger’s (if there is such a thing as a ‘touch’ of Asperger’s). In familiar situations, he likes to dominate - by putdowns, by attack, by withholding attention. But as soon as a random, unknown element - a new person, for example - is introduced, the strength and the bluster vanish from him. He goes strangely quiet; backs down like a loudly-barking Chihuahua suddenly confronted with a pit bull. The more distinct and different a stranger, and their appearance and lifestyle, is from my friend and his, the more difficulty he has meeting their eyes. In the absence of common ground, my friend becomes unsure, and intimidated. He has no way of bridging the gap, and suddenly his confidence in his own position collapses like a house of cards. Those of us who know him well can see the uncertainty and the fear creeping up in him until, finally, when we are alone, he will confide in us ‘I didn’t like that guy.’ Read more »